So my girlfriend and I recently-ish broke up after about 2.5 years together, and having moved in together last April. I had posted a few months back about my goings-on and was too depressed to even read through the responses. I appreciate the effort and time people did take to respond, I'll probably actually read through those one day when I'm in a little better space.
But anyway. A lot of our problems stemmed (consciously and subconsciously) from me not wanting/being indecisive about kids. The holidays were a little lonely. Separate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years since we had essentially broke up at the beginning of December. Glad I had my family and some friends around to vent and provide some much needed company.
It's been a relatively quick turnaround for me thankfully. Definitely not what I expected since I'm usually doom and gloom. I've accepted things ending because I wasn't being truthful with myself 1) about how I really feel/felt about having children, and 2) knowing that, what it meant I probably should have done sooner regarding the relationship. I was holding on to hope that if I kept improving on the things she said were bothering her and we just stuck together and went through with having kids, that I wouldn't have a choice but to go forward and handle things. And I think things would have been fine all said and done, but again not truthful to myself and my own feelings.
While being back on dating apps has been slightly depressing, it has been surprisingly rejuvenating looking through a potential dating pool where one of the biggest deal-breakers is more or less decided on before even speaking.
I can relate very much to your situation. Some years ago, nearly 23 years to be exact I had decided that I did not want kids. I was 26 years old and had a relationship end with a girl that I wanted to marry and have kids with. That ending left me pessimistic about having a family. About 4 months or so after that I reconnected with a woman that I had met at the Jersey shore a year prior when I was still in a relationship. She was 5 years older than me. We started seeing each other and were together for about 5 years. She desperately wanted kids. She was in her early 30s and had women's issues that caused her to lose half of her reproduction organs prior to us getting together.
I like you were indecisive about wanting kids. 3 months into the relationship things are becoming serious, 911 happened and that brought us closer together. She said she was giving me 2 years to get my head wrapped around having kids. Long story short 2 years went by I had given up my apartment and moved in with her. I eventually bought a townhouse and we moved there together.
Two more years went by and we were engaged and half-heartedly planning a wedding. My feelings had not changed. I still didn't want kids, I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry her. I felt like I wasn't being honest with her. There were other issues as well that were holding me back. Finally, it was 2006. We had a rocky 2005. I had started a new business and was preoccupied with getting that going, and was working in Real Estate sales for my father. In her mind, things weren't happening fast enough. I tried to explain in vein that these things take time to build. We were fighting a lot and she hap-hazardly moved out. Yet we still spent a lot of time together. She did move back in after a few months, but I regretted letting her move back in. I kind if tapped out and started seeing the girl again which made me swear off having children. Only this time she was engaged and I had unfinished business with her that I needed to get out of my system. When she moved back in I cooled it off with the ex-girlfriend, but I felt that my current relationship was on life support and I let her know that we needed to come together and move past our issues or we can't go on.
The issues never really went away. They were just unspoken. We got along okay, but we were also a boring couple. We were home-bodies. There wasn't anything wrong with that it was who we were. The Rangers had just retired Mark Messier's number, I was lucky enough to go to that game. She was clearly annoyed that I went to the game. I kind of brushed it off, We were talking and I just let her know what I was feeling. I didn't want to get married, I didn't want kids. I just assumed that things would just stay the same. Man, was I wrong. I didn't realize that I basically broke her heart and broke up with her at the same time. She moved out for good 2 months later. I did try to salvage the relationship, but it was too late. She felt strung along, and that I wasted prime child-barring years of her life, and she didn't believe that I could be successful in my business. She wasn't entirely wrong about being strung along. To this day I feel some guilt about this because she never had children.
I spent some months beating myself up, and I decided that moving forward I would be 100% honest about my intentions with anyone I dated. I spent about 9 strong months dating, hooking up etc. When my chick and I got together she was 29 and going through a divorce. I told her flat-out that I did not want kids. Which of course devastated her, but at least I was honest. We spent the first 14 months of our relationship dating, semi-seriously. I kind of knew early on that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We were the exact opposite of my previous relationships. My chick has a career as one of NYC's premier event planners, my trucking business was doing well and growing. We both not only survived the great recession, but we also became stronger and thrived. We were and still are a fun couple.
A little over 2 years in she was having some issues. She went to the doctor and she was told she had cysts on one of her ovaries and needed to have the cyst removed. While they were in there they did a biopsy and discovered that the cysts were cancerous and they removed one side of her reproductive organs. It was like a re-run of my previous relationship, now she is days away from turning 32 and I see the entire cycle repeating itself.
What made it worse was that her doctor told her that her chances of becoming pregnant were only 35%, and he highly recommended a full hysterectomy and that if she wants kids she should do it within the next two years, after that she should freeze her eggs. Needless to say, I am torn. I feel bad for her, but at the same time, I am experiencing relief because I never waivered in not wanting kids.
So all of this happened in 2009. Lets fast forward about 25 months. Things got to the point that she was looking into freezing her eggs, and we were seriously discussing renting my house and moving to Manhattan. Both of us always wanted to live in Manhattan. Her office was in Manhattan and it didn't matter where I lived. I could commute to my truck yard. I had kept an office in my father's real estate office, but when he retired and sold off his share of the company I gave the office up and worked out of my house.
Memorial day 2011. Things are going okay, we are looking to move to Manhattan in the fall. We are driving home from her boss's house in Long Island. Traffic sucks. I didn't want to go. Long story short we conceived our first child in the back seat of a 2005 Toyota 4runner, limited edition on the service road adjacent to the Long Island Expressway. That entire summer she is miserable because she wants kids and I don't, she is extra crazy fighting with me, telling me she is going to move out. Keep in mind we have no idea she is knocked up and I'm at the point if I don't know if can live with this nut job in a one-bedroom Manhattan apartment.
In late July she is waking up in the middle of the night not feeling well etc.. I make her go to the doctor they run every test but a pregnancy test. Finally, on September 14th she realizes she is pregnant, but we think she is newly pregnant. Long story short we basically missed her entire first trimester and my son was born on March 15th, 2012.
I spent the entire 6 months and 1 day that I knew about her pregnancy Anxious, scared, and mad. It took me a long time to accept it, and we had our share of arguments. But it also made me love her more especially watching her give birth and seeing the pain she was in. I was 37 when he was born and it definitely made me take that extra step in my maturity level. Peak maturity to be precise.
IMO my indecisiveness about kids was a combination of being hurt from a previous relationship, fear of bringing a new life into this world, and being deathly afraid of screwing it up. Believe me, when I say this, mistakes have been made. There is no guide to perfect parenting. My son is great, and a pain in the ass at the same time but I am so happy that I have him. He is so smart, and so lazy all at the same time. He wants to be a lawyer. He will make a great lawyer because he can out-argue virtually anyone. He wears you out He is my pride and joy and it gave my chick great joy and the family she always wanted.
After my son was born my chick was in the room holding him and she sad to me that she wanted another one. I told her she was delirious from the painkillers. She hounded me for like 5 or 6 years before she gave up. Nearly three years ago to the DAY of this post, just before Chinese New Year 2020. She informs me that she is going to contact her doctor and move forward with the hysterectomy. I said that's a great idea. We won't have to worry about you developing further issues. I don't think you have to take too many guesses about what happens next. During the height of COVID-19, my daughter was born on October 24th, 2020.
It was the exact opposite of my son, we found out she was pregnant 4 to 5 weeks after conception. It was just bananas. When we sat down and talked about it I said that it may not be what I wanted, again, and it wrecks all of our long-term plans, especially our retirement. We are both in our 40s etc.. But, I also said that I know that we would be better the second time around because we both know what to do and I really wanted a girl. I always wanted a little girl. I was happy I had my son because what male doesn't want a son to carry on the name.
My daughter truly completed me as a person and gave me the family I had dreamed of as a kid until I was 26 years old when I exited what amounted to be a life-altering relationship. My daughter is perfect in every way. She is beautiful and blonde like her mommy. She is the exact opposite of my son and in a great way. She is more outgoing and very girly, whereas he is a little more introverted. She has all the core strength and natural ability to do things and he has to work at them. Both of them are so smart and analytical and will talk your ears off to get their way, and they both love their daddy very much.
The point of this long drawn-out story is that the best-laid plans can go out the window pretty quickly. You never know what life is going to throw at you good or bad. You may find like me that children will fulfill you in a way that you could never have known. In my case, I got lucky when my chick and I hooked up. She is my life and that definitely makes everything better. The best years of my life have been spent with her.
Regardless if you have kids, I hope you and everyone else that reads this find that type of fulfillment in life. It truly is amazing.
Live your best life and don't give up.
