OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[GoAwayPanarin]

So I’ve been texting this girl for a few months. We hung out a few times but we text pretty much every day. She’s a photographer, so she’s obviously broke. She also has some medical issues; nothing life-threatening but just some quality of life issues with her knees and a couple other things.

The thing is that she always pushes off hanging out. Like wtf, just put me out of my misery already. I said “if money is an issue, I’d happily pay.” And then she got back to me saying how she got bad news from her knee surgeon and needs space.

When she’s done with her space, what’s the best way to phrase how it’s like I’m listening and talking to her about all her issues as if we’re going out, but she never wants to hang out? I think I got the hint that she’s not interested, but I kind of want to word it in a way where I don’t really want to be friends. Or if we are friends, I don’t want to talk to her every day.

@SnowblindNYR you’re the expert

I think you answered your own question.

I'd lead in with how you feel like you're just being used as a sounding board for her to vent her frustrations and then let her know that you aren't really down with being in a platonic relationship with her.

If you really don't want a friendship, you don't owe her one. If she tries to guilt you into one, don't fall for it.

 

[Boris Zubov]

@SnowblindNYR you’re the expert

Last I heard he quit his job & runs a matchmaking service in the Caribbean.

 

[effen]

I think you answered your own question.

I'd lead in with how you feel like you're just being used as a sounding board for her to vent her frustrations and then let her know that you aren't really down with being in a platonic relationship with her.

If you really don't want a friendship, you don't owe her one. If she tries to guilt you into one, don't fall for it.

@Kane One I'd use 'emotional tampon' but that's probably gonna guarantee any faint hope being extinguished. Even if it's accurate.

It's funner tho. Live a little!

 

[effen]

People are what they consistently do. If she consistently treats you like a chat bot, then to her, you are a chat bot.

As an aside, I'm adjacent to a medium amount of VERY online people, and they very much like segmenting out their various online spaces. I've seen some freakouts because a longtime discord friend added them on facebook or something or wanted their number for texting. People get treated like NPCs who need to stay in their lane.

Not a judgment but food for thought in the current age of dating.

 

[will1066]

Last I heard he quit his job & runs a matchmaking service in the Caribbean.

"It's Just Plantains."

 

[will1066]

So I’ve been texting this girl for a few months. We hung out a few times but we text pretty much every day. She’s a photographer, so she’s obviously broke. She also has some medical issues; nothing life-threatening but just some quality of life issues with her knees and a couple other things.

The thing is that she always pushes off hanging out. Like wtf, just put me out of my misery already. I said “if money is an issue, I’d happily pay.” And then she got back to me saying how she got bad news from her knee surgeon and needs space.

When she’s done with her space, what’s the best way to phrase how it’s like I’m listening and talking to her about all her issues as if we’re going out, but she never wants to hang out? I think I got the hint that she’s not interested, but I kind of want to word it in a way where I don’t really want to be friends. Or if we are friends, I don’t want to talk to her every day.

@SnowblindNYR you’re the expert

What's the downside of ghosting her? I think she'd get the hint too and without you even having to say anything. I guess you still want a platonic relationship with her?

 

[Kane One]

What's the downside of ghosting her? I think she'd get the hint too and without you even having to say anything. I guess you still want a platonic relationship with her?

I definitely can’t ghost her. She’d absolutely go insane. I’m also friends with a friend of hers so that won’t work.

I’m going with @GoAwayPanarin ’s advice.

 

[GoAwayPanarin]

Yeah don't ghost. Even if shes an emotional vampire that doesn't mean that you gotta be like that.

 

[Kane One]

Yeah don't ghost. Even if shes an emotional vampire that doesn't mean that you gotta be like that.

Yeah I could never do that.

 

[will1066]

I definitely can’t ghost her. She’d absolutely go insane. I’m also friends with a friend of hers so that won’t work.

I’m going with @GoAwayPanarin ’s advice.

Yeah don't ghost. Even if shes an emotional vampire that doesn't mean that you gotta be like that.

Ok. Then be firm. Be aware that your feelings for her will subconsciously attempt to sabotage you. And she will sense it the second you vacillate. Just tell her straight up what you're feeling out of the current situation.

 

[Lindberg Cheese]

The answer to everything here is “spit on it”

 

[NickyFotiu]

So I’ve been texting this girl for a few months. We hung out a few times but we text pretty much every day. She’s a photographer, so she’s obviously broke. She also has some medical issues; nothing life-threatening but just some quality of life issues with her knees and a couple other things.

The thing is that she always pushes off hanging out. Like wtf, just put me out of my misery already. I said “if money is an issue, I’d happily pay.” And then she got back to me saying how she got bad news from her knee surgeon and needs space.

When she’s done with her space, what’s the best way to phrase how it’s like I’m listening and talking to her about all her issues as if we’re going out, but she never wants to hang out? I think I got the hint that she’s not interested, but I kind of want to word it in a way where I don’t really want to be friends. Or if we are friends, I don’t want to talk to her every day.

@SnowblindNYR you’re the expert

If she reaches out to you and not vice versa than she is interested either as a friend or more. We can never know what its like in her shoes. She may have anxiety about going out that has nothing to do with you. I wouldn't disregard the friendship. She may need a friend and you may be glad in the futire.

 

[DialUp]

So I’ve been texting this girl for a few months. We hung out a few times but we text pretty much every day. She’s a photographer, so she’s obviously broke. She also has some medical issues; nothing life-threatening but just some quality of life issues with her knees and a couple other things.

The thing is that she always pushes off hanging out. Like wtf, just put me out of my misery already. I said “if money is an issue, I’d happily pay.” And then she got back to me saying how she got bad news from her knee surgeon and needs space.

When she’s done with her space, what’s the best way to phrase how it’s like I’m listening and talking to her about all her issues as if we’re going out, but she never wants to hang out? I think I got the hint that she’s not interested, but I kind of want to word it in a way where I don’t really want to be friends. Or if we are friends, I don’t want to talk to her every day.

@SnowblindNYR you’re the expert

Don't even need to understand details or nuance when it comes to this. Never lose sight: you have limited time in life for particular pursuits, it is in your control how you use it, and it is perfectly OK to be self serving when that pursuit is for a relationship/romantic interest.

"My intentions with you were to date. As I pursue that with other people, the time we spend texting will probably lesson and when I get into a relationship, most definitely end. This is the natural course of these things, not personal. Wish you the best, and I have no hard feelings."

 

[will1066]

Don't even need to understand details or nuance when it comes to this. Never lose sight: you have limited time in life for particular pursuits, it is in your control how you use it, and it is perfectly OK to be self serving when that pursuit is for a relationship/romantic interest.

"My intentions with you were to date. As I pursue that with other people, the time we spend texting will probably lesson and when I get into a relationship, most definitely end. This is the natural course of these things, not personal. Wish you the best, and I have no hard feelings."

Yeah. Don't waste time with unrequited feelings. Rarely do unrequited feelings change. The girl either feels a spark or she doesn't.

 

[LokiDog]

Don't even need to understand details or nuance when it comes to this. Never lose sight: you have limited time in life for particular pursuits, it is in your control how you use it, and it is perfectly OK to be self serving when that pursuit is for a relationship/romantic interest.

"My intentions with you were to date. As I pursue that with other people, the time we spend texting will probably lesson and when I get into a relationship, most definitely end. This is the natural course of these things, not personal. Wish you the best, and I have no hard feelings."

Pretty much. Empathy is a skill that everyone should understand how to use, but we’ve swung too far in the wrong direction. I’m sorry your knee surgeon didn’t have good news but he didn’t say “you have cancer”, “we’re cutting your leg off”, or “you’ll never walk again” so the whole “I need space… I just can’t right now” is a giant red flag and I just hang it up right there these days. Stop valuing the feelings of people you know only a little over your own. That might make you a really lovely, likeable person for a while but it’s unsustainable. I’ve skated for 33 years. If a knee doctor told me I’d never skate again today my reaction would probably be “shit, I can’t play hockey anymore? Better get drunk and get laid, since that’s #2 and 3 on the list” rather than telling people that “I need space” to process my devastating news. Some people will only give you headaches and the early you realize it the better. Otherwise you end up married to one.

 

[effen]

There's also significant "she's seeing someone or pursuing someone she has higher up on the list than you" equity.

That's not anything to get mad at or be bitter about. We all have our preferences. She's almost definitely not being entirely truthful that she needs time to process a doctor's visit (wat??) though, and I would certainly not be the one reaching out to her for quite a while.

 

[NickyFotiu]

If the question is how she feels could you just ask her?
I personally have had some great female friends so I wouldn't throw that away even if she doesn't seek a romantic relationship. Actually one of my earliest relationships started as just friends.

 

[Boris Zubov]

If the question is how she feels could you just ask her?
I personally have had some great female friends so I wouldn't throw that away even if she doesn't seek a romantic relationship. Actually one of my earliest relationships started as just friends.

 

[NickyFotiu]

View attachment 813874

Been friends since 1999 so maybe movies aren't the perfect lead for real life.

 

[Kodiak]

Been friends since 1999 so maybe movies aren't the perfect lead for real life.

I'm a happily married man and my best friend of the past 20+ years is a woman.

 

[Machinehead]

My cat turned 20

 

[SnowblindNYR]

So I’ve been texting this girl for a few months. We hung out a few times but we text pretty much every day. She’s a photographer, so she’s obviously broke. She also has some medical issues; nothing life-threatening but just some quality of life issues with her knees and a couple other things.

The thing is that she always pushes off hanging out. Like wtf, just put me out of my misery already. I said “if money is an issue, I’d happily pay.” And then she got back to me saying how she got bad news from her knee surgeon and needs space.

When she’s done with her space, what’s the best way to phrase how it’s like I’m listening and talking to her about all her issues as if we’re going out, but she never wants to hang out? I think I got the hint that she’s not interested, but I kind of want to word it in a way where I don’t really want to be friends. Or if we are friends, I don’t want to talk to her every day.

@SnowblindNYR you’re the expert

This is sensitive because she has health issues.

That said I once talked to this girl from Bumble for months during Covid times and I asked if she wants to walk in the park she lives near. It was the summer when positivity rates were like 1%. Plus it was outside. She kept saying she was uncomfortable because of Covid and she didn't want to meet yet. My friends were split some said maybe she's afraid of Covid and others said that if she were
interested she'd meet me. Spoiler alert the latter were right.

When I told my wife I want to visit her the first time she got so excited and started looking into resorts and got a deal from one of her friends who was a member. Then she drove me to a resort that was over 2 hours away. This other girl couldn't be bothered to meet me in a park 5 minutes away from where lived. Long story short this woman isn't worth it.

 

[aufheben]

Had a tough breakup the past September (over kids). The relationship itself was great, but during the breakup she was cold and angry (my fault). I’ve been torturing myself over whether I should text her just to say “Hi”. I thought it would be shitty on my part to never reach out to her. Is that true? We dated for 9 months.

She wanted to breakup in person and I was too upset to see her. The guilt over that has been absolutely eating me alive over the past few months. Like…constantly.

How I’ve been dealing things since then, well, it hasn’t been going so great. I can’t unsee her as perfect, and it’s literally ruining my life.

 

[effen]

Had a tough breakup the past September (over kids). The relationship itself was great, but during the breakup she was cold and angry (my fault). I’ve been torturing myself over whether I should text her just to say “Hi”. I thought it would be shitty on my part to never reach out to her. Is that true? We dated for 9 months.

She wanted to breakup in person and I was too upset to see her. The guilt over that has been absolutely eating me alive over the past few months. Like…constantly.

How I’ve been dealing things since then, well, it hasn’t been going so great. I can’t unsee her as perfect, and it’s literally ruining my life.

Separate from everything else, 9 months is still in the infatuation period and she is very likely not perfect, though it's possible she is.

That said, costs nothing to throw out a shortish text that you've been working on yourself and had some breakthroughs and you're really unhappy you handled it so poorly and wish badly you had met in person because she deserved better.

If there's anything more to come, she will initiate next steps.

GL.

 

[Lindberg Cheese]

My cat turned 20

How are her knees? Is she kneedy?