OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[NickyFotiu]

Had a tough breakup the past September (over kids). The relationship itself was great, but during the breakup she was cold and angry (my fault). I’ve been torturing myself over whether I should text her just to say “Hi”. I thought it would be shitty on my part to never reach out to her. Is that true? We dated for 9 months.

She wanted to breakup in person and I was too upset to see her. The guilt over that has been absolutely eating me alive over the past few months. Like…constantly.

How I’ve been dealing things since then, well, it hasn’t been going so great. I can’t unsee her as perfect, and it’s literally ruining my life.

You only live once. I'd rather make mistakes than never try. You can always just say that you have thought about her a lot and that you want to apologize for XYZ. Worst comes to worst she will not answer or say screw you. In either case you lose nothing.

 

[bobbop]

Had a tough breakup the past September (over kids). The relationship itself was great, but during the breakup she was cold and angry (my fault). I’ve been torturing myself over whether I should text her just to say “Hi”. I thought it would be shitty on my part to never reach out to her. Is that true? We dated for 9 months.

She wanted to breakup in person and I was too upset to see her. The guilt over that has been absolutely eating me alive over the past few months. Like…constantly.

How I’ve been dealing things since then, well, it hasn’t been going so great. I can’t unsee her as perfect, and it’s literally ruining my life.

If she means that much to you, yes reach out. I once reached out long after a breakup. Worked out pretty well…now have been married to that red haired girl for 48 years.

 

[Barnaby]

I think you answered your own question.

I'd lead in with how you feel like you're just being used as a sounding board for her to vent her frustrations and then let her know that you aren't really down with being in a platonic relationship with her.

If you really don't want a friendship, you don't owe her one. If she tries to guilt you into one, don't fall for it.

Underrated advice.

Fell for that one in the past... I just ended up being absolutely miserable.

 

[Barnaby]

If the question is how she feels could you just ask her?
I personally have had some great female friends so I wouldn't throw that away even if she doesn't seek a romantic relationship. Actually one of my earliest relationships started as just friends.

I think that's very difficult to achieve when it starts off with one person having strong unrequited feelings for the other.

I do believe that we can have great female friends though.

 

[Kane One]

I think you answered your own question.

I'd lead in with how you feel like you're just being used as a sounding board for her to vent her frustrations and then let her know that you aren't really down with being in a platonic relationship with her.

If you really don't want a friendship, you don't owe her one. If she tries to guilt you into one, don't fall for it.

I just started with this. I’ll see what she writes back. But I have a feeling this is going to be pretty much toast. It is what it is.

 

[Boris Zubov]

I just started with this. I’ll see what she writes back. But I have a feeling this is going to be pretty much toast. It is what it is.

If it's toast, it's better to find out now than to drag it out. It sucks, but it's not like you're ending an actual intimate relationship.

 

[aufheben]

If she means that much to you, yes reach out. I once reached out long after a breakup. Worked out pretty well…now have been married to that red haired girl for 48 years.

I’m terrified that she hates me or worse doesn’t even think about me. Unless she suddenly decides she doesn’t want kids there isn’t a way to reconcile. She’s doing foster care on her own now, I guess it’s possible it turns out not what she signed up for.

This one really did a number on me. We broke up five months ago and I’m still not over it, like at all. This is a horrible thing to say but I’m having a harder time now than when my mom passed away. My therapist texts me every morning to make sure I’m still alive FFS.

 

[Kane One]

If it's toast, it's better to find out now than to drag it out. It sucks, but it's not like you're ending an actual intimate relationship.

Yep. But probably going to end a friendship too which still kind of sucks.

 

[Boris Zubov]

Yep. But probably going to end a friendship too which still kind of sucks.

I get that, but it sounds like it was a bit of a one sided friendship if she wasn't considering your feelings. Maybe that's me projecting, however.

 

[Crease]

I just started with this. I’ll see what she writes back. But I have a feeling this is going to be pretty much toast. It is what it is.

A relationship (platonic or romantic) has to serve both people. If it’s only serving her, you shouldn’t feel bad if it ends. It does not make you a bad person. You have to do what’s best for you. No one is entitled to your friendship.

 

[RempireStateBuilding]

I’m terrified that she hates me or worse doesn’t even think about me. Unless she suddenly decides she doesn’t want kids there isn’t a way to reconcile. She’s doing foster care on her own now, I guess it’s possible it turns out not what she signed up for.

This one really did a number on me. We broke up five months ago and I’m still not over it, like at all. This is a horrible thing to say but I’m having a harder time now than when my mom passed away. My therapist texts me every morning to make sure I’m still alive FFS.

If it's eating you up so badly, you have nothing to lose with texting her. Worst case, she ignores it or tells you she isn't interested. About 6 months ago, I had reached out to a girl I dated about 3-4 years ago because I felt I really, really f***ed up with not pursuing her harder. Just something about seeing if she was interested in reconnecting. She got back to me a couple days later saying she was flattered, but that she was seeing someone. I went from thinking about her constantly to her not even being a blip in my brain, almost instantly. All of the potential "what-ifs" dissipated in that second and it almost felt like a weight was lifted. I wasn't sitting in a purgatory I created for myself and while it wasn't the response I was hoping for, at least I knew I could re-assign that headspace to other things.

My friend asked me a good set of questions when I mentioned to her that I wanted to reach out to a recent ex: Why are you doing it? Is it to provide closure? For who - you or her? Is it to keep the door open in the future? Is it to provide comfort (and for who)? I said to my friend that I felt my ex deserved a more thought out explanation of things, as the break up caught me off-guard. My friend responded with something along the lines of I didn't have to explain myself after the fact, if she wasn't willing to have an honest conversation about things before breaking up with me out of the blue. And after doing some more reflecting, I realized that I just wanted to hold on to something that had become familiar/part of my routine. I knew we weren't terribly compatible, but I was lonely and thought a relationship was the fix.

Another, slightly more distant ex and I (that I had made a couple posts about in this thread) broke up for similar reasons to you and yours: she wanted 2-3 kids, I wanted 0. For basically all of 2023 I would get these terrible, almost-daily pangs of missing her because I thought she was a perfect match for me. And maybe she was on a personality/temperament level, but the idea of starting a family was too big of a bridge for us to gap. Time and meeting new people has lessened those pangs, and while they still do happen occasionally, I've been able to accept that things weren't going to work out between us, and that there is someone somewhere whose ideals line up with mine. Chances are it's gonna be with someone new, not a retread.

 

[effen]

Kids (them) vs. no kids (you) is an auto-loss. Even if you win, you lose.

Kids are pretty cool though ngl.

 

[NickyFotiu]

I just started with this. I’ll see what she writes back. But I have a feeling this is going to be pretty much toast. It is what it is.

Well one way or another you will have your answer and then you can move on. If she was not meant to be the next one may be. Good luck.

 

[bobbop]

I’m terrified that she hates me or worse doesn’t even think about me. Unless she suddenly decides she doesn’t want kids there isn’t a way to reconcile. She’s doing foster care on her own now, I guess it’s possible it turns out not what she signed up for.

This one really did a number on me. We broke up five months ago and I’m still not over it, like at all. This is a horrible thing to say but I’m having a harder time now than when my mom passed away. My therapist texts me every morning to make sure I’m still alive FFS.

You will either get a positive response or finality. Either way, that’s a better place than where you are today.

 

[will1066]

It's one thing to hold onto hope. It's another to keep getting strung along, consuming time, and the emotional hole only gets deeper. Better to get out while the hole is still relatively shallow.

 

[aufheben]

You will either get a positive response or finality. Either way, that’s a better place than where you are today.

I’m petrified of finding out she’s already seeing someone else.

 

[GoAwayPanarin]

Had a tough breakup the past September (over kids). The relationship itself was great, but during the breakup she was cold and angry (my fault). I’ve been torturing myself over whether I should text her just to say “Hi”. I thought it would be shitty on my part to never reach out to her. Is that true? We dated for 9 months.

She wanted to breakup in person and I was too upset to see her. The guilt over that has been absolutely eating me alive over the past few months. Like…constantly.

How I’ve been dealing things since then, well, it hasn’t been going so great. I can’t unsee her as perfect, and it’s literally ruining my life.

Gonna need few more details on that.

When you say over kids is it that one of you wants them and the other doesn't?

If so, that doesn't typically change and it's a MASSIVE thing. Like as far as deal breakers go, no matter which side of the fence you are on, this is one of those that I think is completely reasonable.

People do change their mind sometimes but its not something either side should really wilt on. Like if someone truly wants kids, they shouldn't have to forego that to be with someone (I've seen this before, it was basically poison for the relationship.) On the flip side, if you don't want them you shouldn't have to force your self to do it. It's a massive commitment to raise another human and it isn't something you should have to "learn to live with" - these people generally make pretty shitty parents, not to mention that it would make you miserable.

If you want a chance to make amends for not ending things the right way, I'd say reach out and see where it goes but don't push it if she isn't interested. If you want to rekindle the relationship and what I wrote above is accurate, I'd strongly suggest that you not do that. You may quell the shit you're feeling right now but what broke you up to begin with would still be an issue and when it rears its ugly head again, its going to hurt so much worse.

 

[RempireStateBuilding]

I’m petrified of finding out she’s already seeing someone else.

And if she is, how is that going to change the last ~6 months, or the next 6? Try not to be so concerned with what she's thinking about/what she thinks about you. Like I did for myself, you're making this inescapable purgatory for yourself that won't end until 1) you truthfully and wholly get over it and move on, or 2) reach out to get answers to your uncertainty.

I was equally terrified to reach out to my former fling. It took me a few months to work up the courage to do it, and actually reading her response hurt. But I was so much..I don't know if happier is the right term, but more secure/solid after getting the "thanks but no thanks" response, which just made me feel better overall. I didn't feel that I had to wallow and hope and pray that maybe she was thinking the same way I was - she wasn't, I didn't have to keep sitting and waiting as if it was going to happen, and I was able to start moving on.

The answer you're going to get might suck, but you might be the same as me where you need to hear/read/see it for it to sink in. Otherwise you're just arguing and fighting with yourself, deteriorating your mental space over all the scenarios you make up, and the only person taking any hits here is you. Be honest with yourself as far as what you're trying to do and why, and do what you need to make yourself happy.

Also if you do decide to reach out, don't further torture yourself trying to craft the perfectly worded message. Keep it short and sweet otherwise you're going to be editing it for 3 weeks with a thesaurus and ChatGPT and never send anything.

 

[Kane One]

I get that, but it sounds like it was a bit of a one sided friendship if she wasn't considering your feelings. Maybe that's me projecting, however.

I think I did a bad job explaining. It’s not really one sided at all. Just that she definitely has way more shit going on than I do. It’s not like she doesn’t listen to my issues.

I think I also undersold how f***ed her knees are. Like if she were Bobby Orr, her career would definitely be over. She can’t do anything she enjoys anymore, and this is even post-surgery.

I just spoke to her and told her how I felt about how she hardly ever wants to hang out, then she said she didn’t want to send mixed messages because she had a feeling I liked her romantically.

This time though she said she’s not interested in dating me, but a while back she said she’s not interested in dating at all, so I’m still not really sure if that’s what she meant. I didn’t tell her how I actually felt about her, though.

After all that we then started talking again, then I told her that I need space.

I then started writing my actual feelings on paper but idk if I should give that letter to her.

 

[bobbop]

I’m petrified of finding out she’s already seeing someone else.

if you are going to be miserable either way, call her.

You may be surprised. In a good way. How would you feel if you missed out on that?

 

[DialUp]

I then started writing my actual feelings on paper but idk if I should give that letter to her.

Probably not a good idea. Odds are you won't get what you want out of that.

 

[CasusBelli]

Kids (them) vs. no kids (you) is an auto-loss. Even if you win, you lose.

Kids are pretty cool though ngl.

I know I want kids, but I’m a bit nervous going into things (we’re planning to start trying this summer): having our lives revolve around them and not having them around once they leave for college. I’m terrified of an empty nest after having a full nest, if that makes sense.

 

[Boris Zubov]

I think I did a bad job explaining. It’s not really one sided at all. Just that she definitely has way more shit going on than I do. It’s not like she doesn’t listen to my issues.

I think I also undersold how f***ed her knees are. Like if she were Bobby Orr, her career would definitely be over. She can’t do anything she enjoys anymore, and this is even post-surgery.

I just spoke to her and told her how I felt about how she hardly ever wants to hang out, then she said she didn’t want to send mixed messages because she had a feeling I liked her romantically.

This time though she said she’s not interested in dating me, but a while back she said she’s not interested in dating at all, so I’m still not really sure if that’s what she meant. I didn’t tell her how I actually felt about her, though.

After all that we then started talking again, then I told her that I need space.

I then started writing my actual feelings on paper but idk if I should give that letter to her.

I might come off sounding super insensitive here, but have you given any serious thought about what a relationship would be like with someone who sounds like they are extremely unhappy. Not that I blame her with her health limiting the things she can do. I know from experience how physical ailments can really interfere with quality of life. I'm just not sure I'd want to inherit those issues as part of a new relationship. There's a giant sacrifice for certain things that you might not be fully aware of or even considering in a circumstance like this. Plus it sounds like she needs to heal herself mentally & adapt to her new reality.

I don't want to sound like I'm telling you to bail, I'm just hoping you've considered this & what it actually entails.

 

[Kane One]

I might come off sounding super insensitive here, but have you given any serious thought about what a relationship would be like with someone who sounds like they are extremely unhappy. Not that I blame her with her health limiting the things she can do. I know from experience how physical ailments can really interfere with quality of life. I'm just not sure I'd want to inherit those issues as part of a new relationship. There's a giant sacrifice for certain things that you might not be fully aware of or even considering in a circumstance like this. Plus it sounds like she needs to heal herself mentally & adapt to her new reality.

I don't want to sound like I'm telling you to bail, I'm just hoping you've considered this & what it actually entails.

Don’t worry, this wasn’t insensitive at all.

Yeah I thought it through and idc. I’d still want to go out with her even if she were wheelchair-bound.

 

[effen]

I know I want kids, but I’m a bit nervous going into things (we’re planning to start trying this summer): having our lives revolve around them and not having them around once they leave for college. I’m terrified of an empty nest after having a full nest, if that makes sense.

You'll change as they change. Don't project current you to future you.