OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[kovazub94]

If she means that much to you, yes reach out. I once reached out long after a breakup. Worked out pretty well…now have been married to that red haired girl for 48 years.

Ditto, except a brunette and 22 years.

 

[CasusBelli]

You'll change as they change. Don't project current you to future you.

Thank you for this; I hadn’t considered that.

 

[GoAwayPanarin]

Thank you for this; I hadn’t considered that.

Yeah @effen nailed it but I just wanted to add that my mom was very much of that same mindset.

My sister moved out of the house 8 years ago.... Now my parents do all kinds of cool shit that I wish I could do. They're currently en route to hit up Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. Mom couldn't be any happier.

 

[Kane One]

Probably not a good idea. Odds are you won't get what you want out of that.

Yeah, I thought about it and I’m not doing this.

I have a few job interviews the next couple days, so I’m going to take a break talking to her.

After that, I’ll tell her that I still want to be friends and that I don’t know how to because I like her. I’ll just be honest and see where that goes.

 

[CasusBelli]

Yeah @effen nailed it but I just wanted to add that my mom was very much of that same mindset.

My sister moved out of the house 8 years ago.... Now my parents do all kinds of cool shit that I wish I could do. They're currently en route to hit up Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. Mom couldn't be any happier.

This is awesome to hear; think you. I guess all I could think about was the cost of sending a kid or two to college and then obsessing over the performance of the 401K.

 

[I Eat Crow]

Had a tough breakup the past September (over kids). The relationship itself was great, but during the breakup she was cold and angry (my fault). I’ve been torturing myself over whether I should text her just to say “Hi”. I thought it would be shitty on my part to never reach out to her. Is that true? We dated for 9 months.

She wanted to breakup in person and I was too upset to see her. The guilt over that has been absolutely eating me alive over the past few months. Like…constantly.

How I’ve been dealing things since then, well, it hasn’t been going so great. I can’t unsee her as perfect, and it’s literally ruining my life.

I'll go against the grain here and say that if you want to reach out, do it just to get closure for yourself. Wanting to have kids or not if one of the parties is disagreeing with the other is one of the biggest dealbreakers when it comes to a long term relationship.

Unless you're willing to fall in line with whatever she wants and you see her as otherwise perfect for you, I wouldn't heed the suggestions of trying to get back together with her because it's not fair to you or her if you're still disagreeing on that one major issue.

 

[NickyFotiu]

Yeah, I thought about it and I’m not doing this.

I have a few job interviews the next couple days, so I’m going to take a break talking to her.

After that, I’ll tell her that I still want to be friends and that I don’t know how to because I like her. I’ll just be honest and see where that goes.

I understand your feelings. I really do. It is hard wanting more but I hope you are sure before you throw away the friendship. I did that years ago and regretted it. When you get down to it boyfriend and friend are largely the same outside of some physical stuff a few times a week. Boyfriend and husband are largely the same except that physical stuff goes down and the nagging goes up (partially joking).

 

[Boris Zubov]

I understand your feelings. I really do. It is hard wanting more but I hope you are sure before you throw away the friendship. I did that years ago and regretted it. When you get down to it boyfriend and friend are largely the same outside of some physical stuff a few times a week. Boyfriend and husband are largely the same except that physical stuff goes down and the nagging goes up (partially joking).

This is oversimplifying things a bit. There is way more to intimacy than just "being physical 2-3x a week".

 

[NickyFotiu]

This is oversimplifying things a bit. There is way more to intimacy than just "being physical 2-3x a week".

Yes was speaking in a simplistic manner on purpose.

 

[Boris Zubov]

Yes was speaking in a simplistic manner on purpose.

I don't think that's helpful in @Kane One 's situation. It would actually muddy the waters if there isn't a clear distinction.

 

[NickyFotiu]

I don't think that's helpful in @Kane One 's situation. It would actually muddy the waters if there isn't a clear distinction.

Just want him to be sure before looking away from a friendship. It may feel like what he needs now but I don't want him to regret it years later. Sometimes friends of many years grow in to more. Its his life and 100% his choice. I just want him to be sure he does what he thinks works for him. Not what I say or what anyone else says.

 

[Kane One]

Just want him to be sure before looking away from a friendship. It may feel like what he needs now but I don't want him to regret it years later. Sometimes friends of many years grow in to more. It’s his life and 100% his choice. I just want him to be sure he does what he thinks works for him. Not what I say or what anyone else says.

Since my first post, I changed my mind on not being friends. I still want to be friends and I’m going to tell her how I feel and tell her I hope we can still be friends anyway. And I’m also going to say if we’re friends, we should be able to hang out one on one like normal friends do. If I’m going to try to get over her romantically, and if we become just platonic friends, if she’s not comfortable being able to hang out one on one with me, that’s going to be a dealbreaker as a friendship.

 

[NickyFotiu]

Since my first post, I changed my mind on not being friends. I still want to be friends and I’m going to tell her how I feel and tell her I hope we can still be friends anyway. And I’m also going to say if we’re friends, we should be able to hang out one on one like normal friends do. If I’m going to try to get over her romantically, and if we become just platonic friends, if she’s not comfortable being able to hang out one on one with me, that’s going to be a dealbreaker as a friendship.

That is totally fair. I do have one question. Is her not going out about you or is she that way with everyone? I know a friend that not only doesn't go out but she gets anxiety even when seeing her own family. The only person she hangs with is her ex husband.

 

[Kane One]

That is totally fair. I do have one question. Is her not going out about you or is she that way with everyone? I know a friend that not only doesn't go out but she gets anxiety even when seeing her own family. The only person she hangs with is her ex husband.

As of a couple months ago, she said she wasn’t interested in dating anyone. She had a bad breakup, although it was a while ago but I guess that hits people differently so I’m not going to judge.

Based on talking to her since she said that, I doubt that changed. But I don’t know for sure. Maybe she is now ready to date again but just isn’t into me? Or both? I’m not going to ask that until all this potential awkwardness is over, and even then, idk if I’ll ever ask.

 

[will1066]

That is totally fair. I do have one question. Is her not going out about you or is she that way with everyone? I know a friend that not only doesn't go out but she gets anxiety even when seeing her own family. The only person she hangs with is her ex husband.

Ok that's weird

 

[NickyFotiu]

Ok that's weird

She has a lot of anxiety about being around people. Its very hard on her. I don't judge her though. She is a good person. Just has to work up courage to be around people. I think once she is around people she is okay though.

 

[will1066]

She has a lot of anxiety about being around people. Its very hard on her. I don't judge her though. She is a good person. Just has to work up courage to be around people. I think once she is around people she is okay though.

But the ex-husband is ok. I just thought that part was weird.

 

[NickyFotiu]

But the ex-husband is ok. I just thought that part was weird.

LOL she has lived with him for many years. Divorced him and stayed living with him. Yes unusual.

 

[aufheben]

Gonna need few more details on that.

When you say over kids is it that one of you wants them and the other doesn't?

If so, that doesn't typically change and it's a MASSIVE thing. Like as far as deal breakers go, no matter which side of the fence you are on, this is one of those that I think is completely reasonable.

People do change their mind sometimes but its not something either side should really wilt on. Like if someone truly wants kids, they shouldn't have to forego that to be with someone (I've seen this before, it was basically poison for the relationship.) On the flip side, if you don't want them you shouldn't have to force your self to do it. It's a massive commitment to raise another human and it isn't something you should have to "learn to live with" - these people generally make pretty shitty parents, not to mention that it would make you miserable.

If you want a chance to make amends for not ending things the right way, I'd say reach out and see where it goes but don't push it if she isn't interested. If you want to rekindle the relationship and what I wrote above is accurate, I'd strongly suggest that you not do that. You may quell the shit you're feeling right now but what broke you up to begin with would still be an issue and when it rears its ugly head again, its going to hurt so much worse.

She wanted to foster kids and I didn’t want kids. She told me this from the beginning but I dove in anyway and ruined my life.

 

[LokiDog]

Good news! I’m back in a relationship with the ice and we’re deeply in love. Tell me that doesn’t look better than Nick Bonino!

 

[NickyFotiu]

She wanted to foster kids and I didn’t want kids. She told me this from the beginning but I dove in anyway and ruined my life.

Your life is not ruined. I feel bad that you think that way but please stop telling yourself such things.

 

[gabevh3]

View attachment 814709

Good news! I’m back in a relationship with the ice and we’re deeply in love.

Where is your throat guard buddy?

 

[RempireStateBuilding]

View attachment 814709

Good news! I’m back in a relationship with the ice and we’re deeply in love.

Hope she doesn't give you the cold shoulder!

 

[LokiDog]

Where is your throat guard buddy?

In the hockey bag with my death wish and a case of beer homie

 

[gabevh3]

As of a couple months ago, she said she wasn’t interested in dating anyone. She had a bad breakup, although it was a while ago but I guess that hits people differently so I’m not going to judge.

Based on talking to her since she said that, I doubt that changed. But I don’t know for sure. Maybe she is now ready to date again but just isn’t into me? Or both? I’m not going to ask that until all this potential awkwardness is over, and even then, idk if I’ll ever ask.

Basically same story for me but slightly newer lol how strange .. tho it's pretty much over for me before it began... let me know what you did how it turns out for you .

In the hockey bag with my death wish and a case of beer homie

Well " Love kills" indeed.