Old post, but I saw it quoted and I'll jump in.
It's definitely luck. I've been on 100 first dates, I'm sure. Some just didn't click and went nowhere. Some were one night stands, but obviously, at least one of us, didn't have an interest in a second get together. Some ended up in a handful of dates but fizzled because the chemistry wasn't there. Some ended up with a week, or month, or 3 months of hooking up but not getting serious. Some turned into relationships, which lasted anywhere from a few months to several years. There wasn't anything I felt I did right or wrong that led to any of those outcomes. In some (many) cases, I (or both of us) only wanted to hookup or have a physical fling. In some I (or both of us) just didn't seem to click and want to go beyond a first or second date. The only time I've ever felt I'd done something wrong has been when a long term relationship has ended, and it's what we all go through - both partners have likely done things differently than they'd have liked if they could have a re-do but you've reached the point of moving on and you take your regrets and lessons learned and do so.
Confidence, to me, just isn't what movies and books and coaches make it out to be. It's not about being smooth, or forward. It's not bravado or an act. That's not real confidence; confidence should be short for SELF confidence, which to me is being confident or, rather, secure and comfortable in YOURSELF. Comfortable to be who you are.
My fiance and I first met up at a bar for a drink. Blind date scenario, knew very little about each other besides maybe one or two talking points. I got their first, 20 minutes early and ordered a drink. I chatted with the bartender - I want to say it was Veteran's Day, I'd just separated from the Air Force and he was wearing a Grunt Style t-shirt so I asked if he was a fellow vet, etc. He gave me a shot of some terrible peanut butter whiskey. This ended up being a great idea because at least once during the date he offered us both another free shot, which probably made me look real cool
She walked in and sheepishly approached to confirm that I was Matt and I stood up to greet her, because that's what a guy should do. We exchanged a very awkward, very light, quick hug and sat at the bar. Conversation was just as awkward and bumbling in the beginning as any of you would experience; no secrets, no trick for confidence or right thing to say. Just exploring interests, grasping for something to start a more earnest conversation about. I don't know how many times I laughed at myself and said "well, I'm a huge nerd, so..."
What's your favorite movie? "Well, I'm a huge nerd so... I LOVE Lord of the Rings... and Harry Potter... but I guess I also love Inglorious Basterds?"
Oh! I love Lord of the Rings, did you read it or just the movies?
"Come on, I just said I'm a huge nerd, of course I read it, and re-read it, and re-watch it like 3x a year"
"I rewatch it like every 6 months!"
Blah, blah, blah. Same exact conversation. So what about Game of Thrones? Read it, love it. Are you excited for the new show coming out? The Witcher? Turns out she read it all, in the original Polish. Oh wow, that's so cool didn't realize the author was Polish. I'll have to try reading it. How about sports? Not really into sports. Well, that's okay... I'm a huge nerd about hockey, so maybe I'll have to take you to a Rangers game.
A few drinks, lots of impassioned conversations about our favorite character or book or this or that. Lots of laughs. A couple of hours go by, she says it's getting late and she should get going before she has any more to drink. I agree, we both agree we had fun and should get together again. I walk her to her car and go for the kiss. Yes, it's awkward. She seems surprised. I think we even have a little laugh about the awkwardness of the moment, but then we kiss again, much better and depart. I texted her 30 minutes later that I had a good time. We had a second date a couple of days later, this time with an activity involved because two dates of just talking is a lot in the beginning, so bowling and laughing at each other kept it exciting.
Don't be nervous about getting back out there. Don't be Fonzie. Don't be aloof. Own who you are. Everything about my first date with my now fiance was about owning who I am and being totally honest about it. I didn't gloss over the fact that I love Lord of the Rings because it's nerdy or uncool. I proclaimed that I could quote the entire trilogy line by line and explain the Silmarilion. If she hadn't been into it, I may have reeled it in a little and not devoted as much time to discussing just how much I love it, but I'd have still owned it. The only thing that took actual "confidence" in the stereotypical sense - more like courage - was going for the kiss at the end, and yes, I think that she appreciated the confidence to do that and not meekly say goodnight (and this depends on your read of the date - it had went really well, I didn't think there was much chance of her rejecting a kiss).
Edit (bolded the important): also be self effacing to a degree. It’s better than talking about yourself too much. Wow, that long in the military… are you some kind of badass? Oh, haha, no I was more of a glorified security guard you could say. She didn’t need to know that I was in a special operations unit or SWAT right then and there and seizing upon the first opportunity to start listing my accomplishments would have been poor form.
And civilians don’t fully speak military language so I’d have either been over explaining or losing her in the weeds. The same can be true if you’re an accountant, a chiropractor, whatever. A little self effacing comment and redirecting the conversation back to something more light hearted and mutually interesting goes a long way. You can go into greater depth on a future date, once you land one.
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