Useless Thread MDCCXCII: John Kreese Appreciation Thread

[Sega Dreamcast]

Yes that is right, I love to have diarrhea. One of my favorite things to do is take a laxative on weekends when I have absolute nothing to do and I know I’ll be at the house all day. Sometimes when I can’t wait the 8 hours a laxative will take I’ll do a salt water flush and I’ll be peeing out my butthole in 30 minutes. I’ve even found for me that 100% grapefruit juice will do the trick if I drink half a gallon in a day. There are so many aspects of it that make it one of the best experiences.
The first aspect I love is the rush. Just going about my business and then all of a sudden I know I might poop my pants. That it is time to get on a toilet right now and nothing else matters. It’s an adrenaline rush when the stomach starts to gurgle and you know you can’t stop what’s about to happen. That I am totally at the mercy of my bowels.
The second is simply the feeling. I love the feeling of relief I get in my stomach, the feeling of it rushing out of my butt hole, and it is one of those good burn feelings in the butt hole too. I love that fiery butt hole burn. Then when you go to wipe it’s kind of like you are scratching that ultimate itch. To put it simply from start to finish the feeling of diarrhea has multiple aspects that all feel good and all of them have their special place in my heart.
The third aspect I love is the smell. It’s like when you have a good fart and it stinks really bad and you kind of sniff it in and you are like dang, I just did that. The smell of diarrhea is like I just opened a sewer line right in my toilet and I love it. It’s just a great scent to sit there and enjoy for a minute. A nasty type of good that makes you feel a little dirty.
The fourth aspect would have to be looking at what came out. Just standing to wipe and looking at what once used to be a perfectly clean toilet is now black. Just black water with black spatter all around the bowl of the toilet. I love to stand there for a second and look at it and say “dang look at all that bad stuff I just expelled from my body.” That’s a great feeling looking at it and knowing how you’ve just purged your body.
To put it simply, I highly recommend diarrhea.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

I have one fantasy about Nikki Minaj. I want to somehow be noticed by her and she'll fall in absolute love with me and we become lovers. Then one day we go on a cruise and the ship sinks and by some miracle we are the only 2 that survive and we end up swimming to an island with food and water resources. Enough to survive long enough and we would pass the few weeks by having sex the entire time. Eventually some wreckage would wash up and it would be enough to build a float and navigate our way back to land, the only catch is, its only big enough for one person. I sacrifice myself and let Nikki use the float to get back to land in America. With my remaining resources, I survive another 6 months and end up being saved by fishermen. They take me back to America. While on the boat I turn on the news and I see an interview of Nikki saying how she's the only person who survived and how she did it by swimming to an island and she exaggerates about how harsh it was by herself and how she built a raft by herself and floated back. She totally leaves me out of the story and mentions how she hates men and didn't need one to help her on the island. She becomes an icon for strong independent women, and has an album about it and it sells out shows across the country. Outraged, i find the next concert and find out what hotel she's staying at and what room. I sneak into her room and wait for her to return after the show. She sees a sillhouette in a spinny chair and asks 'who's there? I'm gonna call security' then i spin around revealing its me and she is in complete awe. After some catching up, we spend the rest of the night drinking and doing coke and f***ing. As i'm railing her from behind, I approach the greatest nut ever so I pull out and hotdog my dick between her giant ass and right as I'm cumming, i grab the lamp off of the nightstand and cave her skull in That would be pretty cool I think.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

I’m a 41 year old male who has never been on a date. I've never had sex with a woman either. I watch porn because I can't get laid. I've only seen one escort and ended up not having sex because I busted a nut when when she touched my crotch. I'm on eHarmony right now, and I'm convinced that all of the hopeful men and women out there, who think they will find someone are just hopeful......that's it. And, they may never find someone. Good-looking people have children. Good-looking people usually have better jobs. Good-looking people usually get promoted over people who are less attractive. I have a college degree, I attended a maritime academy, and I was once a ship's officer aboard oil tankers. I'm a good person. I work hard and make a decent living, drive a nice car, pay my own rent, etc. I support myself on my own. I live alone and the only people who will ever love me unconditionally are my family. No woman will ever love me. Nothing else matters unless you're good-looking.

 

[Siamese Dream]

I probably wouldn't know what a Pennsylvania was if I hadn't played Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 as a child and then got into hockey

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

Good please don’t join my Army. It should read useless f***s need not apply. Half the f***s we get your age can’t even wash their own asses. They last not even a year before we throw them out. Then they cry on social media about how the military is so bad. They couldn’t hack it, so the issue can’t be them and their participation medal attitude. No, it has to be the military bad. Bad man yell at me. We are paid to be lethal to the enemies of the United States of America not to be lethargic and worthless.
So yeah if you are child who watches cartoons stay your ass at home. Saves me a lot of paperwork and listening to some useless f***s excuses.
How about a tiny bit of evidence that we work for oil companies? Why do that when you can just assume? We did however save people from terrorism. You wouldn’t know that though. You only see it on the TV and believe whatever they want you to believe.
Too bad our dedication to duty doesn’t allow us to give you all look out blocks. I am sure the terrorists would love to rape your family, make all the women sex slaves, and saw your f***ing head off with a dull combat knife while recording it.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

I’m so f***ing tired of hearing your stupid bullshit that you keep spouting all over this f***ing site please for the love of god shut the f*** up. I’m not even being sarcastic with the title, I genuinely think there is no educating these dumb f***ing stupid pieces of shit that plague this site. All you do is comment on someone else’s already stupid f***ing garbage comment that is probably a pun or some shit, except you bring it to another level of worthlessness. Unironically saying “have my upvote” or “take my upvote” is not a victimless crime. The victim is me as I watch my brain cells radiate into the atmosphere never to be seen again while I read your Pejorative Slured ass comment that is providing literally zero value to any part of human society. You could have commented anything, but what you chose to comment was so f***ing dumb that it honestly isn’t even worth the couple bytes it costs to store the words you just wrote on some server, or the photons being emmited by my phone’s screen. They could have conveyed something useful, or at least powered a solar panel or caused a plant to photosynthesize. Your behavior makes me want to blow my f***ing brains out on my wall it’s honestly so stupid. At this point no one’s going to stop doing this shit on this site, so the only solution is to set a precedent by executing some of these dumb f***s so the rest of them shut the f*** up and think of something funny for once in their unimaginably unoriginal life, where all they do is repeat some of the unfunniest shit I have ever read in my entire miserable existence. Kill me.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

Imagine being Bill Gates right now.
You spend 30 years of your life and $50 billion of your own dollars supporting humanitarian causes. You directly save hundreds of thousands of lives in South East Asia by providing anti malaria netting to half of a continent, you drop infant mortality rates throughout the entire developing world by funding vaccine programs including vaccinating 40,000,000 children for polio, and, amongst a plethora of philanthropic endeavors, you fund free educational platforms like Khan Academy so people can have free access to high quality education.
Then after donating half of your wealth to charity and pledging 90% of the remainder to charity in your will..
Arguably doing more to better life on earth for humanity than any other human being to ever live.
You then hop on the internet only to find a million scientifically illiterate f***ing imbeciles that are using the very computers you pretty much invented in the first place to call you a child murdering arch villian antichrist because they watched a YouTube video made by some other yokel with the comprehension of a f***ing potato.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

After seeing this scene many times, I have realised that Lamar's roast is actually incredible. By acting as if he's in a hurry and talking quickly, he eliminates the opportunity for Franklin to counterattack, meaning that he can continue delivering his verbal abuse.
The use of the phrase "yee-yee" is especially clever as it has very loose meanings and is utilised to further demean Franklin while not being necessarily rude, as well as fitting nicely into the rhythm of Lamar's "smack-talk" as they call it. Since a person's hair is usually one of their most stand-out and noticeable features, by ridiculing his, Lamar makes Franklin's identity feel attacked and being shorter means that he's opened to the perspective of one taller than himself having to look down at it, making him especially self-conscious.
Furthermore, by berating Franklin's female partner, Lamar starts to get very personal with him which makes the insults even harsher, while also making Franklin feel inadequate in romantic relationships. As well as this, feigning uncertainty of her secret partner's occupation and referring to contemporarily intelligent and respectable vocations such as "lawyer" and "brain surgeon" Lamar attacks Franklin's lack of a formal education and business smarts.
Finally, the strange and belittling way he says "nneEegaahh" further aims to make Franklin seems foolish and by slightly squatting to make eye contact, Lamar subtly roasts Franklin's stature again, as well as his status, making him feel like an insignificant child.
Truly, a genius in the art of "roasting" as those kids with their exaggerated swagger call it.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

First off, Dora has her map, which essentially gives her omnipotence; this is because it always knows the location of whatever she needs and would also know the location of her opponents, so if Dora fought Goku, the map could tell her to go to space. Not only that, we see the map operating in space, implying that Dora can survive in a vacuum.
Next, Dora has her backpack; with this, it could give whatever Dora needed to win the fight. Against Superman, she could pull out kryptonite, and against Goku it may give her the Dragon Balls to wish Goku away. Now, you may say this is a no limits fallacy, however in the backpack song it is explicitly stated that "anything you might need I got inside for you" so it can give Dora anything. Not only that, the backpack is a magically powered entity itself.
Finally, Dora wields the blue arrow; this may be one of the strongest weapons in fiction. This is because the arrow does whatever she tells it to do, and since it is controlled indirectly by the player of Dora's game, it is at least outerversal+, giving it more than enough strength to restrain Goku or Superman. In fact, the arrow is so powerful that it can literally change the plot and refuse demands from the viewer, meaning it can defeat beings such as the One Above All since compared to Dora us the viewers are the One Above All, yet Dora can still make the arrow ignore us, meaning it can literally defeat omnipotence. At bare minimum the arrow is capable of mind control on a beyond omnipotent level, since it made swiper stop swiping, so she could make any of her combatants off themselves.
Dora also has various skills from her many adventures, from learning how to drive to knowing how to pilot an airplane, indicating that she herself has super intelligence. Dora picks up any skills she needs.
Dora could also summon the wishing stars, which would allow her to do anything she wants, making them more powerful than the super dragon balls.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

New agent idea: Hog rider
As maney of you know, over the past few years of playeing this game almost everyone wants riot to add hog rider into valrant. I know the devlapers dont wana add Hog rider into valrant becuse hes got a Hammer and likes rideing on pigs which is OP IN reaal life. However, i Spent a lot of my time the past few minute to think of a way to make him Not op in valrant like Rana(Which hackers like to use). Here is my idea:
Hog rider design:
https://preview.redd.it/oemu1mzky2g...bp&s=d580b7c34983f32f178f65b9a86310db6bfde9cc
This is what hog rider would look like in valrant
Abilitys:
C (cost 238$ dolars) - Jumpeing ability. When you press this abilty, You can jump
Q(cost 192.82$ dollrars) - Hammer abilty. Press this abilty and you turn your Gun into a hamer. The hammer is like the knife except when You swinging the hamer at someone it looks Dangareous.
E (main abilitey. recharge every few Minutes)- Battle cry. When you press the E buton, your Micraphone is broadcast on the whole map so evrayone can hear you talkeing. Then your alowed to make batle cry noise like clash clans hog rider.
X (ultra abilty cost 4 ulltra orb)s - When you press ultra abilaity, all of Your team gets to ride hogs. This is good because The hog your rideing on gets friends and your team mates get hog rider. For example: Cifer and Brimestone can be rideing hogs when hog rider use the ultra
Pasive abilty: hog

 

[John Price]

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

No? You know what? Just go away.
Every time someone posts a picture, a gif, a video, a screenshot, or just anything really that involves some kind of "corporate" thing - A video game, a logo, or probably just even the town hall of a city given how overboard you dummies go, you have to r/HailCorporate it.
I'm done. I've had enough. You can't just spam r/HailCorporate and expect an upvote. You can't just be like "dude, you're playing a game?" and post r/HailCorporate. You just can't.
I doubt you even work for corporate given how against them you are. You live in a cardboard box, typing on your CrapBook Pro, feeling good about yourself because you think you just "called someone else out" for being a corporate shrill.
Just who do you think you are? Some epic 12-year-old on the internet with le cool fedora posting about how "corporate shrill hails this, corporate shrill hails that?" Well, I've got news for you. You aren't anything. You aren't epic, you aren't a 12-year-old, and your fedora certainly isn't le cool.
I hope in time you will learn that not everybody and everything is a corporate shrill.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

So i (38M) decide to visit my grandmas like i do every tuesday, when i went my grandma started acting weird so i immediately knew she hadn’t took her pills.
So me being me i let her remember on her own and i also decided to stay the night since it was late anyway, she laid on her chair and i went to her room to sleep there again except without her in bed with me.
I usually go to bed around 11 pm but this time i decided to try and pass out around 2:00Am by this time my stomach started hurting for some reason and i knew it was from the fact that i didn’t take those pills she ate as well so as my stomach started hurting i tried to move and that’s when i heard it, “Plft” and i knew.
I had shat my pants, so i decided to take a good look to see what my shit looked like, like i usually do and i was amazed by its shape and articulation so i just decided to lay in it.
By the time i woke up my grandma was there looking at her bed that was stained in brown, i told her it was nothing and probably just her imagination, however she didn’t believe me and instantly called my family who started yelling at me for 1. not reminding my grandma to take her pills so she "doesn’t die" (like that’s my fault) and 2. shat her bed (again like i was supposed to clean it up as if that’s my duty i’m sure my 113 year old grandma can do that shit herself i mean what a lazy ass bitch) so i f***ing chocked my grandma barely and she f***ing died and since i like the popular game “among us” i decided to yell “dead body reported” and i started laughing as all my family looked at me in disgust.
I’m pretty sure i’m not the asshole but i wanna know cause they gave me a weird look which made me contemplate the idea.

 

[John Price]

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

When I was twelve I performed a fart experiment. I wanted to capture an undiluted fart in a jar and see if after a month it still smelled. I ate some hotdogs and pizza, then had a lot of ice cream. These were all foods known to induce flatulence in me. Then I waited. I could feel my stomach rumbling as the noxious gasses inside me brewed. I filled a bathtub full of water, got my jar with a tightly fitting lid, took off my clothes and got in. I put the jar under water so it would fill, then held it inverted over my crotch. As the gas left my sphincter it rose up and displaced the water in the jar. After two or three, I had a jar filled with flatus. I gingerly placed the cap on the jar and tightened it. Now came the waiting. I put the gas-filled jar under my bed and waited the thirty days. I resisted the temptation to open it prematurely. Finally the day arrived. I got home from school and went right to my room. I closed the door. I opened the jar, stuck my nose in, and took a big whiff. The remnants of my intestinal emission was just as pungent as the flatulence I was issuing the day I began my project. The gas, for all intents and purposes, had remained unchanged. I would postulate that a fart in a jar could conceivable last for an eternity.

 

[John Price]

heeh seba o ere right

espnaing ourside reddit is fun lol

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

Today I brought up video games in class. My teacher is a basic girly girl, but she said she’s a gamer and I didn’t believe her.
So I asked her “Hey Ms. G, since you say you game, can we play together?”
She said “Sure. When you graduate high school.”
Shit. I guess she won’t let me f*** her until I’m legal.
“But, but - I’m in 7th grade,” I plead.
“Welp. Study hard.”
Study hard? Stupid bitch. Doesn’t she know it’s impossible for me to focus in class when I see her fat milkers taunting me behind her cardigan? When she leans over someone’s desk to help and her scrumptious ass cheeks are inches away from my face? What about that one time when she didn’t wear a bra? The hint of her nipples is still engrained in my pubescent mind. I have Cs and Ds in all my subjects because of her stupid sexyness.
“Hmph. What if you’re bluffing? What games do you even play?”
“My favorite is probably, um, Apex Legends.”
Holy shit. That’s my favorite game too. I love playing Bloodhound, landing in overlook, looting for 10 minutes, dying in my first fight, then calling my teammates the funny gamer word that my big brother taught me. I imagine playing duos with my teacher and instantly pop a stiffy. Good thing I’m sitting behind my desk.
"Oh reeeaaally. So tell me then... what's the damage of a Mozambique?"
I don't know how much damage the mozambique does (worst gun in the game lolz) but I want to seem cool by putting her down because I know girls aren't gamers.
“Depends. With or without hammerpoint?”
My cock is throbbing. A girl, and a gamer? And she’s my 7th grade teacher?
Just when every spare red blood cell in my body has flowed into my peener, my teacher says, in her best Lifeline impression: "Now pay attention. Ya might learn a thing or two."
I instantly cum in my Lightning McQueen boxers.
My 7th grade teacher is beyond divine. I can’t help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see her beautiful figure even though it's behind that unnecessary formal attire. I yearn for her in a way both primal and spiritual. I want to listen to her moans as my manhood throbs within her, I want to hear her heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union. I want to suckle at her motherly bosom, slurping that rich juche milk from her teat as she gently strokes my raging erection. I would stir her velvety cream into my hot chocolate and let my balls boil in it. Her cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to her until my body gave out, and then some. I would let her break my rib cage with any part of her body. I would let her hit me with her Honda Prius just to be near her for a brief moment.
I love you, Ms. G. Please be mine. Please. Be my wife, my lover, my mommy, my everything. Just give me a sign. I'll always be waiting in the Apex lobby for you.

 

[John Price]

im learning someting new

 

[John Price]

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

Me (M 13) screamed "dead body reported" at my aunts funeral. My mom said that my aunt died and that we are going to her funeral the next morning. As soon as she left the room crying I busted put laughing because it reminded me of among us a popular video game. So as we were riding in the car I was thinking about saying "dead body reported" at the funeral. When we finnaly arived I screamed "dead body reported" everyone was looking me like if some sort of a weirdo. Then I remembered that my grandfather's sister fell in the vents and died when she was 2 years old. So I said grandpa's sister sus she vented. My grandfather started crying and everyone was screaming at me instead of laughing. My mom took my x box and said that I am going to therapist tomorow. Idk my mom is acting kinda sus ngl

 

[John Price]

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

50 shades of grey
4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

Hello everyone, concerned father here. Recently my 7 year old son discovered the video game “Among Us” after playing it on his computer. While i didn’t mind at first, it soon began to affect his character. Within a week, he had been screaming 'sus’ in his sleep. When asked to do his homework, he called me a stupid father and said ‘kicked’. His grades have been dropping heavily since that day and whenever i refuse to give him my credit card for cosmetics he threatens me saying he’ll “eject” me. Yesterday I entered his room to witness him listening to extremely loud rave 'Among Drip’, he put a bunch of pillows in his shirt to make himself look big and now calls himself a “crewmate”. He refuses to go to bible study unless we use “vent” to get there. I don’t know what that is but he refuses to take any form of transportation except that. Please I am so concerned, what do I do?

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

I will not charge you money, but I will be sharing my bed with you as the other room is being used by my parents. They are aware of this arrangment as I have done this before but it has not worked out for reasons I rather not say on here. I will expect hugs at least 5 times a day, and cuddles at least 2 times a day for at least 10 minutes each. You will not be dating any other man during this arrangment, you will have no male friends either. You may have female friends and they may visit if they like. You will also be required to make me meals 3 times a day. Phsyical requriments are as stated: Must be shorter than 5'5", weigh no more than 120 lbs, cacausan or asian only, republican, biologially female, no tattoos, no lesbians, no vegans, no smoking/vaping, marywania, and you MUST shave legs and underarms. I am 44-male/290 Ibs last time! checked. 5'6". Please contact me if you would like this arrangment.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

On one of his streams, Dream holds a lottery for his fans. The two winners would spend a day with Dream, all expenses paid of course. Dream draws two names: Alice and Bob.
Dream buys two plane tickets for Alice and Bob to Orlando,FL. First, he takes them to a nice restaurant. Then Dream surprises Alice and Bob by taking them to Disney World. After a fun, wonderful and magical day, Dream invites them to his house where they play MinecraftSMP stream as guests. After an unforgettable stream, each are excused to their rooms and have a good night sleep.
Next day, on the way to airport Alice and Bob thank him for such a wonderful time. Dream replies that he has also enjoyed their company and they should stay in touch. Alice then says "Oh, I know let's exchange numbers. Mine is...", Dream interrupts her "Wait, let me guess." . He then says a 11-digit number. Alice looks at him with widened eyes "Yes, it's true." Dream then turns to Bob and says another 11-digit number, which surprises Bob "That is my phone number." Dream then says "Huh, it was a lucky guess."
Dream's guessing of two strangers' phone numbers (1 in 1022) correctly is more possible than his speedrun stats (1 in 2x1022).