Useless Thread MDCCXCII: John Kreese Appreciation Thread

[Sega Dreamcast]

Why do you read an interact with things that you can't change and that annoy you so much?

Seeing as the world doesn't revolve around me, I'm going to encounter things I don't enjoy.

I posted about that AskReddit thread because it was relevant to the discussion at hand, which is me bitching about all the stupid shit I see on Reddit.

 

[John Price]

Why is it beyond your comprehension that I want to see more than just the subs I'm subscribed to?

I look at all because it's a filtered list of the currently most popular posts.

I also look at the trending tab on Twitter, are you going to question why I want to see tweets from people I don't follow?

like the f***ing Rock IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY THINK

stay in your lane jabroni lol and know your role

 

[RayP]

@RayP what are you drinking today

water

 

[John Price]

you realy want to see memes and shit posts

don't you get enough of that on the subs you are on

 

[John Price]

water

no

drink some ipas

 

[John Price]

Why is it beyond your comprehension that I want to see more than just the subs I'm subscribed to?

I look at all because it's a filtered list of the currently most popular posts.

I also look at the trending tab on Twitter, are you going to question why I want to see tweets from people I don't follow?

yeah, because most people dont' do that

I have a twitter feed that scrolls by every day here, I get no information at all outside of it other than what people retweet

that's the whole point of social media resposibly

that way I don't get stupid frivolous Kanye and Kim K drama or some other shit people on social media are frustrated about

 

[John Price]

I don't have time to argue anymore I'm drunk

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

yeah, because most people dont' do that

I have a twitter feed that scrolls by every day here, I get no information at all outside of it other than what people retweet

that's the whole point of social media resposibly

that way I don't get stupid frivolous Kanye and Kim K drama or some other shit people on social media are frustrated about

So you made an echo chamber.

Please, tell us more about all the Fox News you watch ironically

 

[Ceremony]

Seeing as the world doesn't revolve around me, I'm going to encounter things I don't enjoy.

I posted about that AskReddit thread because it was relevant to the discussion at hand, which is me bitching about all the stupid shit I see on Reddit.

I too encounter things I don't enjoy, I don't type out large posts about you know I'm losing faith in this sentence the longer I'm going on with it

 

[John Price]

Please, tell us more about all the Fox News you watch ironically

lol

mght watch tucker again tonight

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

I too encounter things I don't enjoy, I don't type out large posts about you know I'm losing faith in this sentence the longer I'm going on with it

Well excuse me for shitposting in the Useless Thread.

I'll be sure to clear my posts with you from now on, since you want to dictate what is and isn't acceptable.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

 

[MetalheadPenguinsFan]

Tacos for dinner

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

Honestly those soyboys on there who define themselves by their consumer choices and the preferenced they had as children really get on my nerves. Nobody cares that you used to like banjo kazooie. Like literally, nobody is even mildly interested in what games you played as a child. Stop wearing that t shirt and lazer that tattoo ofd your ass.
You're an adult. It's unhealthy to define yourself this much by your childhood interests. Let your kid play the games that he wants to play and define his own childhood, instead of trying to hijack these years of his life to use it as another trophy shelf for your own memories. Those games you are trying to desperately make him like, he's not gonna like them. He won't, because they suck. They are f***ing garbage games by today's standards. If minecraft or fortnite existed back then, everybody would have been playing that instead. Let your kid have fun, and grow up, you manchild. You have a son. If you are still this desperately empty that you are trying to define your life with novelties, you clearly don't appreciate what it means to be a father.
This is what happens when you pretend that we're past "you need to become a man" as a society. They don't.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

I CANT f***ING TAKE IT! I see a random object posted and then I see it, f***ING see it, "Oh that looks kind of like the among us guy..." It started as, "That's funny! That's a cool reference!" but it kept going. I'd see a fridge that looked like among us, I saw an animated bag of chips that looked like among us, I'd see a hat that looked like among us, AND EVERY TIME I'D BURST INTO AN INSANE, BREATH DEPRIVED LAUGH staring at the image as the words 'amogus' ran through my head. It's TORMENT, psychological TORTURE. I am being conditioned to laugh manically anytime I see an oval on a red object, I can't f***ING live like this! I CANT I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T!! AND DON'T GET ME f***ING STARTED ON THE WORDS, ILL NEVER HEAR THE WORD SUSPICIOUS AGAIN WITHOUT THINKING OF AMONG US! Someone does something bad and I can't say anything other than sus, I could watch a man murder everyone I love and all I would be able to say: "Is red sus?" And laugh like a f***ing insane person, and the word among ruined, the phrase among us is ruined, I can't live anymore, AMONG US HAS DESTROYED MY f***ING LIFE, I want to eject myself from this plain of existence, MAKE IT STOP!

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

There, I said it. It. f***ing. Sucks. This is literally the worst generation currently alive. You can keep bullshiting that we are going to change things or not be like the past generations but we all know that we are lying to ourselves. At this point half the f***ing generation has the sex drive of a f***ing endangered species on the verge of collapse and the other half wants to jump off a cliff into a ravine full of f***ing poisonous spikes. From the point of view of a religious teenager this is an absolute mess of a generation. Masturbation has been normalized and so have one night stands. Gen Z these days are so deprived of real love and attention that they wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a guy/girl being kind to them and hitting on them like it's f***ing super seducer 3 or something.
Long story short- This generation is f***ed.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

Unquenchable blood lust... I crave blood and guts. Wake up, blood and guts. Lunch time? Blood and guts. Go to sleep thinking blood and guts, murder and destruction, endless torment and a downward spiral of endless proportions. Everlasting pain is the only release from the slow burning torture of everyday life. Perhaps I used to be blissfully ignorant, in a past life; but not in this one. Blood and guts, fire and anguish, destruction and death. All I can see or hear or think or want is death. The only way I can feel the pleasures of a normal man is to inflict sorrow on the rest of you. April 4th, 2020 will be the day of reckoning. The day on which I will show the world the glory that is the sweet release of never-ending pain.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

As he sits at his desk writing, Karl Marx has a sudden revelation. The moment it hits him, his eyes go wide, his hands shake, he drops his pen, and in a fit of emotions he shoves his writings, all of the work he and Engels had written off of his desk onto the ground and slams his hands on the desk, before putting them to his head as a cold sweat breaks out. "Karl!" Engels bellowed, "Karl, my friend, what's gotten into you?" as he saw the overly emotional Marx hastily throwing their works into the fireplace to burn. Marx slowly turns his head to look at Engels behind him, his eyes still wide and vulnerable, sweat pouring down his face. He slowly trudged over to his friend as he quietly whispered "the cheese, Friedrich. "What?" Replied Engels, "what are you talking about Karl? What madness has consumed you?" Marx lifted his low held head up to take a long look at Engels before falling to the floor in tears. "WE FORGOT ABOUT THE CHEESE. WHY IS THE CHEESE FREE!? HOW COULD WE BE SO BLIND, SO IDIOTIC? ALL THESE YEARS ONLY TO FORGET SOMETHING SO OBVIOUS, RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR FACES! HOW, FRIEDRICH!?"

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

I'm tired of amogus memes, like really f***ing tired. The first time i witnessed this deformed astronaut say "amogus" was funny and it made me laugh a lot, but while the days passed it stopped being funny and that cursed image started to leave a burn in my brain, and i don't think amogus is funny anymore. Everytime i'm trying to talk to someone i randomly hear "amogus" and start laughing uncontrollably and my friends start to get away from me. Everytime i'm trying to look at images or even text, i see that little astronaut looking at me and just start laughing uncontrollably. I can't even look at my parents face anymore that i'll just burst out laughing. I can't f***ing take it anymore i'm on tears and this psycho is looking at me.

 

[Siamese Dream]

 

[LarryFisherman]

Drunk ix kind of makes me feel depressed inside

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

You ever been to uhhh...Pennsylvania? My dad knows someone who went to...uhhh...Penn State or sumthin. You ever been there? I dunno, I’m sorta curious about that place you know? Like kinda like a passing curiosity or sumthin. Like you know when that happens? It’s sorta like a passing thing but it’s kinda interesting I guess. But uhh yeah Pennsylvania or sumthin. You know, funny facts n stuff, uhhh apparently there’re a ton of Amish people in Pennsylvania. You know, I dunno much about those Amish guys or whatever but I mean, they don’t really talk much on Reddit or anything, y’know? Like are they just sort of shut off or sumthin? I dunno man, they don’t really have much of an online presence or anything, and it’s kinda weird and all. Even cult groups and stuff have more online presence but like these Amish guys, you know? Kinda sus if you ask me. Nothin against the Amish or anything, since religious freedom and all, but like, c’mon be more open or something or whatever.

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

CMA: I pee my pants to get out of boring work meetings
For years I've told people I have incontinence problems. It's a serious disability and it impedes my day to day living.
This is not true, but it gives me an out whenever I need to escape from the most boring work meetings: I can pee my pants on demand.
I'm constantly drinking coffee so I'm ready to go any time, any place. I pretend not to notice until everyone is practically choking from urine odor.
I used to make a long-winded, profuse apology like "omg guys I'm so sorry, I have to change my pants again. I'm so sorry it's a medical condition."
The other day I was sitting in an all-staff quarterly update I just shout "UH-OH!" and excused myself immediately.
No one questions the frequency of my accidents, and I can't be fired because it would violate the Americans with Disabilities Act. It works everytime.
Lately I've started peeing on the subway so no one sits next to me. Guess what? No one sits next to me on a crowded train car.
So reddit, what's my alignment?

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

I walk out into the hallway, where I see something that wasn't there before on the opposite wall. A sign saying "Disney Lucasfilm Fan-pleaser-tronic 3000". Below it is a machine with 11 levers, numbered 0 through 10.
I get in line and wait for thirty smelly neckbeards to cast their vote for "0" and have a full ragegasm on the touchscreen keyboard before I finally get a chance to read what the machine said, "How do you rate the movie you just watched out of 10?" I quickly pull the lever for 8 and get out of there since there are these annoying teens in line behind me saying the new movie sucks and that the Rian Johnson trilogy, which they probably watched when they were like six, is the only true Star Wars.
Two weeks later, the internet is still aflame with talk about the movie. I'm browsing Reddit 2 one day when I see an announcement from Lucasfilm trending:
"Star Wars: Birth of the Jedi Chapter 5: A New Enemy has been removed from canon. The movie achieved an average score of 4.9/10 on the Fan-pleaser-tronic 3000, just below the canon threshold of 5/10. It will be pulled from theaters and all cast and crew will be barred from future involvement with the Disney corporation and canceled on social media. Top feedback from viewers included:
'Darth Revan swung at Or'do Manik but Or'do dodged it. Why did Revan swing if no one was there? OBJECTIVELY BAD CHOREOGRAPHY. 0/10'
'This series says the Jedi are only a few years old but the original trilogy says they're thousands of generations old! Which one is it, you filthy lore-breakers'
'The new Jedi only trains for 23.4 days. Non-Mary Sues have to train for 23.5 days!'
'According to the Official Star Wars Vehicles Guide Volume 854 page 34,520 the R-wing has an R-142-AX compressor in its 3rd engine, but the one showed in the movie was an R-142-AXX compressor! Decanonize and remake!'
Just like chapters 2 and 4, the film will be remade by Disney Cinemagineering Director Bot 7B. Suggestions for film events will be taken by looking through posts on r/truecanon on Reddit 2, and our state-of-the-art AI will link the events together to achieve the optimal fan-pleaser-tronic rating. PLEASE FORGIVE US."