OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[80shockeywasbuns]

Is she actually in a Hall of Fame? Do they have a Hall for the type of work she did?

Ughkay so what. I’m in fouah haula fames

 

[aufheben]

I don't doubt it. I've got OCD myself, so I can certainly sympathize with the ruminations. But then, the fact that we have an OCD diagnosis gives us an advantage since we already know that it's our OCD causing us distress. All you have to do is face your symptoms as you would in any other scenario. That's how I go about it when it's been really bad for me at least.

Otherwise, all I can say is that time passes and echo @Boris Zubov. I know you're convinced that this is unique and won't get better, but it's not and it will.

I just don’t know how to convince myself otherwise. In my mind it feels like I’m being perfectly objective, even though I understand conceptually that black and white is always gray. I keep thinking about philosophical quandaries like: If there’s always someone better out there, when do you settle? Are there perfect people?

 

[romba]

Here's my .02 on kids. They mostly all suck except my own, and even they have their moments!

 

[bleedblue94]

Kids: if I had to go back in time I am not sure I would make the same decision, BUT I now cannot imagine my life without them.

Kids are a never ending manifestation of the paradox based struggles between life experiences that bring us joy and sadness, stress and reward, security and experience.

 

[Machinehead]

The thing about kids isn’t that people who have/want them don’t still wish they could get away from them sometimes or wish they could do the things that they used to do.

It’s the f***ing feeling when he’s stealing french fries off my plate and looks up at me, smiles and tries to stuff a fry in my mouth and then claps when I take it. Or the way he runs to my knees and gives me a little hug like 6 times a day. Or he just comes and pushes his way into my lap on the couch when I’m watching TV.

You can’t be prepared for the things that actually make it worth it. I anticipated plenty of the challenges, and it’s still been more difficult than I expected while simultaneously acknowledging that Henrik is actually a really good, easy and smart kid. I was very anxious about how parenthood was going to go. But it turns out that even though it’s a 24/7 job, it just becomes the best thing that’s going on in your life. It’s getting a puppy times 10,000x in terms of the pride and adoration that you feel.

Again, no judgement - I don’t think anyone is obligated to have kids or that you’re somehow lesser or not having a full life if you don’t. I just think that it’s one of the few things in life you truly can’t fathom until you’ve experienced it. People overuse that type of thing “oh, you can’t understand the splendor of the Grand Canyon until you’ve seen it in person”. Well, I saw it and my first reaction was “yeah, it’s a cool hole… very big”. I’m not saying it isn’t cool. It’s just totally hyperbole. You actually can imagine what it’s like to stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon. It doesn’t take that much imagination. You can’t actually ever imagine what having a child is like.

That little nugget I saw at the game that one time is eating fries and running?

Man, it happens quick.

 

[LokiDog]

That little nugget I saw at the game that one time is eating fries and running?

Man, it happens quick.

He’s skating and eating everything in the world. He dips his own chips in guac. But then he licks the guac off and dips it again, and again, until the chip is basically a soggy ball of play dough.

 

[Machinehead]

He’s skating and eating everything in the world. He dips his own chips in guac. But then he licks the guac off and dips it again, and again, until the chip is basically a soggy ball of play dough.

A true man of culture.

 

[will1066]

He’s skating and eating everything in the world. He dips his own chips in guac. But then he licks the guac off and dips it again, and again, until the chip is basically a soggy ball of play dough.

He's a double-dipper!

 

[LokiDog]

He's a double-dipper!

He’s an octo-dipper. There was a French fry this week he dipped at least 15 times. He finally ate the fry but for 25 minutes it was just a ketchup stick. He’s hilarious honestly.

If one looks closely he’s clinging to his dipping fry for life.

 

[gabevh3]

So I went a couple days without talking to her and it sucked. I told her how I still want to be friends and we’re now good. As much as it sucks that she’s not into me right now, it feels a lot better talking to her again. It also really helped that we both have a mutual friend whom I was venting to, and I think she was venting to that same person too.

I hope one day whenever she’s ready to date again that she’ll maybe be into me, but I’m not going to put myself on hold for her.

A couple days was tough for you? I wish i was you only having to wait a few days lol
I understand the talking part... so many i lost Contact with unfortunately.
Last Statement you wrote was prefect but you should hope to find someone better well before that. if she will want to be with you often then that will say a lot .

 

[Kane One]

A couple days was tough for you? I wish i was you only having to wait a few days lol
I understand the talking part... so many i lost Contact with unfortunately.
Last Statement you wrote was prefect but you should hope to find someone better well before that. if she will want to be with you often then that will say a lot .

Eh, it was only tough because we literally talk for an hour or two every day since like August. So then when we didn’t talk, I didn’t really know what to do with this time or thoughts.

 

[will1066]

Btw, the best comment in this thread was @Row I Goon 's "you dredge up the past better than my wife" and it wasn't even in this thread.

 

[NickyFotiu]

I was wondering how you guys are doing? I know a couple of you were having a tough time. I hope things have gotten better. I lost my dad and mom in a relatively short time so that has hit me very hard as well. Life is not always easy.

 

[Boris Zubov]

I was wondering how you guys are doing? I know a couple of you were having a tough time. I hope things have gotten better. I lost my dad and mom in a relatively short time so that has hit me very hard as well. Life is not always easy.

Sorry for your loss. I've been there & it's not something you can prepare for. Everyone grieves differently & at a different pace. It was probably 4-5 years until I could finally make sense of it. My mom has been gone for 17 years now & my Dad for 13...sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, other times it feels like it was yesterday.

 

[NickyFotiu]

Sorry for your loss. I've been there & it's not something you can prepare for. Everyone grieves differently & at a different pace. It was probably 4-5 years until I could finally make sense of it. My mom has been gone for 17 years now & my Dad for 13...sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, other times it feels like it was yesterday.

Thank you. Its hard for me to speak to family or friends about it but hearing your experience does help me. To lose both so close has really thrown me at times.

 

[RempireStateBuilding]

I was wondering how you guys are doing? I know a couple of you were having a tough time. I hope things have gotten better. I lost my dad and mom in a relatively short time so that has hit me very hard as well. Life is not always easy.

So sorry for your losses. That's difficult to process, "ready" for it or not. My dad had a heart attack last February at 79 years old after being in relatively good health and I'm still not sure I understand what really happened. One day at a time.


My "love life" has been weird the last ~8 months. I started dating a girl last June/July, we made things official in October, then she broke up with me the day after Christmas saying we just wanted different things in our lives and yea, I agree with her. She had the energy of 1000 suns and had to go go go at all times. I am closer to an indoor black cat.

Ironically, a girl I had a big crush on for a while reached out to me just before Christmas saying she wished we had connected sooner - a mutual friend dropped hints to her that I was interested, although she had recently started seeing (and is still seeing) someone. We started talking regularly after my ex and I broke up, and she started lovebombing me like crazy. I had my rose-colored glasses on so I thought "Hey this is awesome!" After like a month of daily ~5 hour phone conversations/video chats/etc, any form of communication stopped almost cold turkey (aside from wishing her a happy birthday and a couple other quick exchanges). To be expected with the whole "her being in a relationship" thing. Still sucks thinking that I may have missed out on something really nice because I didn't take a chance, although more rational thinking tells me I dodged a bullet instead.


Then there's a girl I've worked with for about 5 years that I've been head over heels about. We've always been friendly during work, but never any extended/personal conversations outside of group hangouts. Yesterday during a lull at work, she cold came up to me and started asking about why I quit my other job (after hearing through the grapevine from coworkers), what I had planned next, what made me pick the work I'm going in to..and she kept going. I was not prepared for that conversation to materialize there, or for her to actually take a non-sarcastic interest in what my answers were so the whole thing caught me off-guard (there's a group of us at this job who are close and usually when someone shares something personal, they get roasted then supported). I asked how work was going for her and she went on about what she's been doing and how stressful things have been lately - again, wholly unprepared for the level of detail she went into given we've never really shared things like this 1 on 1. We stood there and talked for a solid 10-15 minutes which doesn't sound like a lot until you realize you just spent the last 10-15 minutes talking back and forth non-stop in the middle of work. It made me think back to a few other interactions we've had and if this is yet another case of me missing cues. Disclaimer: Socializing and making conversation with 99% of the population are not my strong suits by any metric.


Right now I don't know if I want to be in a relationship and I don't really think it's something I should be going out of my way to pursue. I just made another major career change at 36 (started taking electrician courses which has been going well) and feel like I can barely take care of myself, which I would imagine doesn't quite make me a desirable partner to others - It just hasn't been an area that I've given much thought for a few months. Ideally I'd like to be in a better spot career-wise before pursuing any romantic relationship. And I know I'm projecting a lot of down-the-road events like a romantic relationship on someone who may just have been in the mood to talk yesterday, but that little glimpse of a more in-depth conversation with her made me antsy and feel like I should take a shot in the near future because I feel like I live in the parallel universe where I have a moderately reasonable chance of something going well here.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

 

[NickyFotiu]

So sorry for your losses. That's difficult to process, "ready" for it or not. My dad had a heart attack last February at 79 years old after being in relatively good health and I'm still not sure I understand what really happened. One day at a time.


My "love life" has been weird the last ~8 months. I started dating a girl last June/July, we made things official in October, then she broke up with me the day after Christmas saying we just wanted different things in our lives and yea, I agree with her. She had the energy of 1000 suns and had to go go go at all times. I am closer to an indoor black cat.

Ironically, a girl I had a big crush on for a while reached out to me just before Christmas saying she wished we had connected sooner - a mutual friend dropped hints to her that I was interested, although she had recently started seeing (and is still seeing) someone. We started talking regularly after my ex and I broke up, and she started lovebombing me like crazy. I had my rose-colored glasses on so I thought "Hey this is awesome!" After like a month of daily ~5 hour phone conversations/video chats/etc, any form of communication stopped almost cold turkey (aside from wishing her a happy birthday and a couple other quick exchanges). To be expected with the whole "her being in a relationship" thing. Still sucks thinking that I may have missed out on something really nice because I didn't take a chance, although more rational thinking tells me I dodged a bullet instead.


Then there's a girl I've worked with for about 5 years that I've been head over heels about. We've always been friendly during work, but never any extended/personal conversations outside of group hangouts. Yesterday during a lull at work, she cold came up to me and started asking about why I quit my other job (after hearing through the grapevine from coworkers), what I had planned next, what made me pick the work I'm going in to..and she kept going. I was not prepared for that conversation to materialize there, or for her to actually take a non-sarcastic interest in what my answers were so the whole thing caught me off-guard (there's a group of us at this job who are close and usually when someone shares something personal, they get roasted then supported). I asked how work was going for her and she went on about what she's been doing and how stressful things have been lately - again, wholly unprepared for the level of detail she went into given we've never really shared things like this 1 on 1. We stood there and talked for a solid 10-15 minutes which doesn't sound like a lot until you realize you just spent the last 10-15 minutes talking back and forth non-stop in the middle of work. It made me think back to a few other interactions we've had and if this is yet another case of me missing cues. Disclaimer: Socializing and making conversation with 99% of the population are not my strong suits by any metric.


Right now I don't know if I want to be in a relationship and I don't really think it's something I should be going out of my way to pursue. I just made another major career change at 36 (started taking electrician courses which has been going well) and feel like I can barely take care of myself, which I would imagine doesn't quite make me a desirable partner to others - It just hasn't been an area that I've given much thought for a few months. Ideally I'd like to be in a better spot career-wise before pursuing any romantic relationship. And I know I'm projecting a lot of down-the-road events like a romantic relationship on someone who may just have been in the mood to talk yesterday, but that little glimpse of a more in-depth conversation with her made me antsy and feel like I should take a shot in the near future because I feel like I live in the parallel universe where I have a moderately reasonable chance of something going well here.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Thank you and I enjoyed your Ted talk. I'm sorry about your dad. Grieving is like a roller coaster. Some days I'm okay and then other days it hits me crazy hard.

 

[aufheben]

I miss the early days of online dating. Before the novelty wore off and people raised their standards to absurd levels.

 

[aufheben]

Online dating in 2024:

 

[KirkAlbuquerque]

I was wondering how you guys are doing? I know a couple of you were having a tough time. I hope things have gotten better. I lost my dad and mom in a relatively short time so that has hit me very hard as well. Life is not always easy.

I’m sorry man. I lost my father last year too, it’s a thing that everybody experiences eventually (is what i told myself) but that doesn’t make it easier. Hang in there.

 

[NickyFotiu]

I’m sorry man. I lost my father last year too, it’s a thing that everybody experiences eventually (is what i told myself) but that doesn’t make it easier. Hang in there.

Thanks I'm trying but I will admit I have not handled my dad's passing well so when my mom passed in January it snowballed on me. I call it the grief roller coaster. Sometimes I'm fine and then it just hits me. I'm sorry about your dad. I'm sure you can understand.

 

[Bob Richards]

I miss the early days of online dating. Before the novelty wore off and people raised their standards to absurd levels.

Met my gf through a dating app.

The way some of my friends talk about dating apps now makes me feel like I got on one of the last of the titanic lifeboats lol

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Met my gf through a dating app.

The way some of my friends talk about dating apps now makes me feel like I got on one of the last of the titanic lifeboats lol

I was just not getting any matches on bumble at some point. And when I did it went nowhere. But at some point I completely stopped getting matches. Thank God I found my wife in the wild.

 

[aufheben]

Met my gf through a dating app.

The way some of my friends talk about dating apps now makes me feel like I got on one of the last of the titanic lifeboats lol

Yeah you met your girlfriend a pretty long time ago IIRC. It’s awful now. Like soul-destroying.

I’ve had Hinge for three months and one person has liked me.

 

[CTTribe73]

Met my gf through a dating app.

The way some of my friends talk about dating apps now makes me feel like I got on one of the last of the titanic lifeboats lol

I met way wife the old fashioned way-at a good friend’s wedding. We had both been recently dumped and spent the night sitting outside on the porch of the hotel in the New Hampshire mountains drowning our sorrows and crying on each others’ shoulders. We didn’t see each other again until a corporate event several months later, went on our first date shortly thereafter and have been married mostly happily for…..shit, 17 years now (but effectively together for 23).

IMO cold personal introductions are the way to go when it comes to meeting people. I’ve never understood the fascination with dating apps-seems to me you can be way too opaque online (call it ‘Catfish’ paranoia) and run down a lot of rabbit holes. Then again I’m *squarely* at the end of Gen X, and I recognize trends have changed and I Don’t Know What I Don’t Know.

But I can say that eventually in every relationship the passion subsides and you’re left with….life. It’s how well two people match up in dealing with the humdrum, daily vagaries and challenges we all face that determines whether it’s gonna work long term or be a fling. IMO it’s self evident because you don’t wake up thinking about how long it’s gonna last, it’s like the other person has always been there, or just….should be there.