OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[SnowblindNYR]

Seeing you happy in love and marriage brings tears to my eyes.

Awww thank you! I wish I were as happy with the Rangers.

 

[DialUp]

I’ve seen this girl like 10 times. Yesterday she asked me if I wanted to go exclusive and if I see us being bf/gf soon.
She’s cool, great personality, we are compatible in a lot of ways. But part of me wants to aim higher. It’s such a curse living in nyc, so many attractive people. Not sure what to say, basically bought myself a little time with her to respond.

You still have to like the way she looks. People do grow into that over time, but reading your comment I am assuming you aren't too into it that way. No?

 

[GoAwayPanarin]

I’ve seen this girl like 10 times. Yesterday she asked me if I wanted to go exclusive and if I see us being bf/gf soon.
She’s cool, great personality, we are compatible in a lot of ways. But part of me wants to aim higher. It’s such a curse living in nyc, so many attractive people. Not sure what to say, basically bought myself a little time with her to respond.

Are you not physically attracted to her at all?

Its not everything, but it is important and if that just isn't there, it just isn't there. I'd move on.

Now if this is an instance of you being attracted to her but wanting to shoot for the moon... I'd actually give this a go based off of everything else you said.

Think landing a hot girl is hard? It's SO much harder to meet, let alone be with someone who you actually enjoy being around. It's not a life time binding agreement.

Unless you're like 25. In that case go have fun and don't worry about getting shacked up yet unless thats what you really want... Though I suppose that applies if you're older too but especially so if you're still young.

 

[Filip Chytil]

Very hard to find a girl who enjoys the MSG 150 every Rangers game as much as I do.

 

[Boris Zubov]

I’ve seen this girl like 10 times. Yesterday she asked me if I wanted to go exclusive and if I see us being bf/gf soon.
She’s cool, great personality, we are compatible in a lot of ways. But part of me wants to aim higher. It’s such a curse living in nyc, so many attractive people. Not sure what to say, basically bought myself a little time with her to respond.

When I lived in the city dating sucked for this exact reason...Half of NY is single & miserable because they are all on the look out for something better. Don't be that guy...if you get on with her, at least be open to seeing where it goes. It doesn't mean you have to move faster than you want to, but you should appreciate the person that she is & give her a real chance. By no means am I telling you to settle, but if looks are the deciding factor, you many never be truly satisfied. Looks are important, but they are also fleeting.

 

[TheDirtyH]

Statements that are generalizations aren’t wrong just cause they are generalizations.

I’m not telling you or anyone on here that they’ve made the wrong choice.

But if someone made a decision that they want to be a homeless starving artist because they don’t want to sit at a desk their whole life I would suggest that perhaps they haven’t thought it all the way through either.

The situation is obviously on a different level completely, but it shares some characteristics. For most people.

There's something deeper and more wonderful about having kids that I don't think people really understand and yeah, many of them only think about how hard it is, or the impact to their career, etc. Those things aren't always as important to you as they are in your 20s, and what's more, I don't think they consider the deeper satisfaction that it brings. I don't even think that angle has been pointed out to them or considered.

Wouldn't your analogy of the starving artist apply more readily to the opposite scenario you're comparing it to? That is to say, wouldn't the group of people considering pragmatic or material concerns when deciding not to have children be more like the people willing to sit at a desk their whole life, whereas the people citing an ineffable "something deeper and wonderful" about having kids would probably sound similar to the starving artist justifying their decision?

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make and I lost the person I loved because of it. Then everyone comes in here talking about awesome kids are and how you’re not living a full life without them.

It's great when people want kids, have kids, and are happy having done so. I think we all know that this is also more the exception than the rule.

In any case, it's not the desire or lack of desire that's at the heart of the matter, it's the fact that in not wanting something (kids), you can't have something you do want (the relationship).

I've always appreciated you as a poster so I'm really sorry to see you suffering; the only advice I have to give you is a bitter pill (as medicine often is). You didn't lose the person you love because of your decision not to have kids with them. The relationship began already containing the promise of its ending. It's not as though you changed your mind 9 months later and chose not to want kids; your not wanting kids was already there from the start, as was her wanting them. What you lost was the illusion that that difference didn't matter; you lost the ability to gloss over or ignore what didn't work between you and she. In fact, you still seem to be fighting pretty hard to keep that illusion going and it's leading to a lot of internal torment as you have to invest so much meaning into distortions and unreality (her perfection, your abjection, for example).

Lastly, it seems to me that what you feel most guilty about (at least based on what you've written here) isn't that you and she broke up, but that you handled the breakup badly. In that case, you just have to step down to the ground the rest of us walk on, acknowledge your mistakes, understand why you made them and what you wish you'd done differently, and start the process of forgiving yourself (changing, becoming someone who won't repeat those mistakes).

I hope this helps. And like others, I urge you to seek whatever help you need additional to where you've sought it. We're as good as strangers here but we care about you and have your back however we can.

 

[Machinehead]

I’ve seen this girl like 10 times. Yesterday she asked me if I wanted to go exclusive and if I see us being bf/gf soon.
She’s cool, great personality, we are compatible in a lot of ways. But part of me wants to aim higher. It’s such a curse living in nyc, so many attractive people. Not sure what to say, basically bought myself a little time with her to respond.

Go away with your not problems

 

[RempireStateBuilding]

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make and I lost the person I loved because of it. Then everyone comes in here talking about awesome kids are and how you’re not living a full life without them.

You are a whole ass, entire ass person on your own, child or not, relationship or not. You have value regardless of wanting or not wanting kids. You think Amelia Earhart cared about having kids? She wanted to fly around the damn planet, basically told her husband she didn't give much of a shit that they were married, and she's in a hall of fame.

Also the best kids are the ones you can hand back to their parents. They sure are cute for the few hours they're awake and not cranky, though.

 

[DialUp]

You are a whole ass, entire ass person on your own, child or not, relationship or not. You have value regardless of wanting or not wanting kids. You think Amelia Earhart cared about having kids? She wanted to fly around the damn planet, basically told her husband she didn't give much of a shit that they were married, and she's in a hall of fame.

Also the best kids are the ones you can hand back to their parents. They sure are cute for the few hours they're awake and not cranky, though.

This comment was a whirlwind

 

[Machinehead]

You are a whole ass, entire ass person on your own, child or not, relationship or not. You have value regardless of wanting or not wanting kids. You think Amelia Earhart cared about having kids? She wanted to fly around the damn planet, basically told her husband she didn't give much of a shit that they were married, and she's in a hall of fame.

Also the best kids are the ones you can hand back to their parents. They sure are cute for the few hours they're awake and not cranky, though.

Is she actually in a Hall of Fame? Do they have a Hall for the type of work she did?

 

[Machinehead]

This comment was a whirlwind

I agree tho.

I like kids, mostly. I like getting away from kids when I'm over it.

You can't do any of that when they're your's.

 

[LokiDog]

The thing about kids isn’t that people who have/want them don’t still wish they could get away from them sometimes or wish they could do the things that they used to do.

It’s the f***ing feeling when he’s stealing french fries off my plate and looks up at me, smiles and tries to stuff a fry in my mouth and then claps when I take it. Or the way he runs to my knees and gives me a little hug like 6 times a day. Or he just comes and pushes his way into my lap on the couch when I’m watching TV.

You can’t be prepared for the things that actually make it worth it. I anticipated plenty of the challenges, and it’s still been more difficult than I expected while simultaneously acknowledging that Henrik is actually a really good, easy and smart kid. I was very anxious about how parenthood was going to go. But it turns out that even though it’s a 24/7 job, it just becomes the best thing that’s going on in your life. It’s getting a puppy times 10,000x in terms of the pride and adoration that you feel.

Again, no judgement - I don’t think anyone is obligated to have kids or that you’re somehow lesser or not having a full life if you don’t. I just think that it’s one of the few things in life you truly can’t fathom until you’ve experienced it. People overuse that type of thing “oh, you can’t understand the splendor of the Grand Canyon until you’ve seen it in person”. Well, I saw it and my first reaction was “yeah, it’s a cool hole… very big”. I’m not saying it isn’t cool. It’s just totally hyperbole. You actually can imagine what it’s like to stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon. It doesn’t take that much imagination. You can’t actually ever imagine what having a child is like.

 

[aufheben]

The thing about kids isn’t that people who have/want them don’t still wish they could get away from them sometimes or wish they could do the things that they used to do.

It’s the f***ing feeling when he’s stealing french fries off my plate and looks up at me, smiles and tries to stuff a fry in my mouth and then claps when I take it. Or the way he runs to my knees and gives me a little hug like 6 times a day. Or he just comes and pushes his way into my lap on the couch when I’m watching TV.

You can’t be prepared for the things that actually make it worth it. I anticipated plenty of the challenges, and it’s still been more difficult than I expected while simultaneously acknowledging that Henrik is actually a really good, easy and smart kid. I was very anxious about how parenthood was going to go. But it turns out that even though it’s a 24/7 job, it just becomes the best thing that’s going on in your life. It’s getting a puppy times 10,000x in terms of the pride and adoration that you feel.

Again, no judgement - I don’t think anyone is obligated to have kids or that you’re somehow lesser or not having a full life if you don’t. I just think that it’s one of the few things in life you truly can’t fathom until you’ve experienced it. People overuse that type of thing “oh, you can’t understand the splendor of the Grand Canyon until you’ve seen it in person”. Well, I saw it and my first reaction was “yeah, it’s a cool hole… very big”. I’m not saying it isn’t cool. It’s just totally hyperbole. You actually can imagine what it’s like to stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon. It doesn’t take that much imagination. You can’t actually ever imagine what having a child is like.

I’m so happy for you.

 

[RempireStateBuilding]

Is she actually in a Hall of Fame? Do they have a Hall for the type of work she did?

According to her wiki, she was inducted to the National Aviation Hall of Fame in 1968, and National Women's Hall of Fame in 1973.

"She also has a minor planet, planetary corona, and newly-discovered lunar crater named after her. She is ranked ninth on Flying's list of the 51 Heroes of Aviation."

She was a competitive racing pilot apparently. Just spot reading her wiki is cool as f***.

 

[Filip Chytil]

Had to tell a girl at the gym today about Howden. The topic got onto hockey and she said she likes watching it when she's watching it but doesn't watch it often (I don't understand this comment but whatever).

Told her to watch Vegas Golden Knights sometime because best player in the league is on them. Said she thought that McDavis (yes she said McDavis LOL, unless I misheard with the music blaring but sounded like McDavis and not McDavid) guy was the best.

She walked right into my trap that I set. "Well that McDavid guy doesn't even have a Cup ring. Brett Howden has one."

I'm now spreading my insanity to innocent people who don't know better. Hopefully she tells all her friends that Howden is the best in the league. Then all her friends tell others. Before you know it, the entire female population will think Brett Howden is the best player in NHL. Poisoning the minds of an entire gender with insane hockey opinions.

I'm a genius

 

[SnowblindNYR]

You are a whole ass, entire ass person on your own, child or not, relationship or not. You have value regardless of wanting or not wanting kids. You think Amelia Earhart cared about having kids? She wanted to fly around the damn planet, basically told her husband she didn't give much of a shit that they were married, and she's in a hall of fame.

Also the best kids are the ones you can hand back to their parents. They sure are cute for the few hours they're awake and not cranky, though.

I think this comment is as unfair as telling people they should want to have kids.

 

[NickyFotiu]

You guys like to argue.

 

[aufheben]

Wouldn't your analogy of the starving artist apply more readily to the opposite scenario you're comparing it to? That is to say, wouldn't the group of people considering pragmatic or material concerns when deciding not to have children be more like the people willing to sit at a desk their whole life, whereas the people citing an ineffable "something deeper and wonderful" about having kids would probably sound similar to the starving artist justifying their decision?



It's great when people want kids, have kids, and are happy having done so. I think we all know that this is also more the exception than the rule.

In any case, it's not the desire or lack of desire that's at the heart of the matter, it's the fact that in not wanting something (kids), you can't have something you do want (the relationship).

I've always appreciated you as a poster so I'm really sorry to see you suffering; the only advice I have to give you is a bitter pill (as medicine often is). You didn't lose the person you love because of your decision not to have kids with them. The relationship began already containing the promise of its ending. It's not as though you changed your mind 9 months later and chose not to want kids; your not wanting kids was already there from the start, as was her wanting them. What you lost was the illusion that that difference didn't matter; you lost the ability to gloss over or ignore what didn't work between you and she. In fact, you still seem to be fighting pretty hard to keep that illusion going and it's leading to a lot of internal torment as you have to invest so much meaning into distortions and unreality (her perfection, your abjection, for example).

Lastly, it seems to me that what you feel most guilty about (at least based on what you've written here) isn't that you and she broke up, but that you handled the breakup badly. In that case, you just have to step down to the ground the rest of us walk on, acknowledge your mistakes, understand why you made them and what you wish you'd done differently, and start the process of forgiving yourself (changing, becoming someone who won't repeat those mistakes).

I hope this helps. And like others, I urge you to seek whatever help you need additional to where you've sought it. We're as good as strangers here but we care about you and have your back however we can.

I know I’ve become a cliche, but I just can’t believe she wasn’t perfect. I know it’s a delusion, but I can’t believe it. It’s the same as the belief that I’ve ruined my life. Like I made a mistake in solitaire, and that’s it, game over. It’s possible unforeseen issues could have arisen the longer we’d dated, and it’s possible we could have broken up anyway. I have major depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. The OCD is really killing me right now with the ruminating.

I’ve had family members pass away, and I’ve been through breakups, but this has really just destroyed me. I’m still eating and going to work every day but it’s been hell. I can’t even escape it when I’m sleeping because of the dreams. This has been easily the hardest time of my life.

 

[RempireStateBuilding]

I think this comment is as unfair as telling people they should want to have kids.

No one should feel that their value to the world hinges on having a child/creating a family, or that it's a pre-programmed set of events that you have to get married and have kids, otherwise you're not fulfilling your purpose or your duty. You are still just as valid as a human being for making the decision to not have children. Sometimes it's good to remind people that they are a person in their own right despite what societal/familial pressure they may feel to start a family they might not feel equipped to properly raise.

That was a strange thing to face - challenging the traditional idea of marriage without kids - the first times you find yourself saying "Maybe I don't want to raise children. What is life like if that's my decision?" At least for me.

I struggled with reconciling the thought that I was "throwing away" the "value" that comes with starting/raising a family because I didn't want kids. Also having to break this news over and over to my sainted Italian parents was a long and exhausting road (thank goodness my brother already gave them 2 grandchildren). Not to mention pressure from my ex and her family to get married and have kids when we were dating.

As I got older and realized it was just as fine to not have kids and began meeting more people that also didn't want kids, it alleviated a lot of anxiety around that decision for me.

 

[NickyFotiu]

I know I’ve become a cliche, but I just can’t believe she wasn’t perfect. I know it’s a delusion, but I can’t believe it. It’s the same as the belief that I’ve ruined my life. Like I made a mistake in solitaire, and that’s it, game over. It’s possible unforeseen issues could have arisen the longer we’d dated, and it’s possible we could have broken up anyway. I have major depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. The OCD is really killing me right now with the ruminating.

I’ve had family members pass away, and I’ve been through breakups, but this has really just destroyed me. I’m still eating and going to work every day but it’s been hell. I can’t even escape it when I’m sleeping because of the dreams. This has been easily the hardest time of my life.

I really respect your honesty. I often tell people I stuff my feelings in a vault like God intended. Now with that said if you keep telling yourself such extreme things than you will for sure believe them. I think you have to try to break that habit. Do you ever look at other hot ladies? If you do that shows something. Have you ever had obsessive thoughts about any previous ladies? In the late 80s I was so in to an ex I still have her phone number memorized. Funny thing though now when I see her on Facebook Im not attracted at all. She did me a favor dumping me

 

[Boris Zubov]

I know I’ve become a cliche, but I just can’t believe she wasn’t perfect. I know it’s a delusion, but I can’t believe it. It’s the same as the belief that I’ve ruined my life. Like I made a mistake in solitaire, and that’s it, game over. It’s possible unforeseen issues could have arisen the longer we’d dated, and it’s possible we could have broken up anyway. I have major depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. The OCD is really killing me right now with the ruminating.

I’ve had family members pass away, and I’ve been through breakups, but this has really just destroyed me. I’m still eating and going to work every day but it’s been hell. I can’t even escape it when I’m sleeping because of the dreams. This has been easily the hardest time of my life.

Most of us have been there, but I don't think I need to tell you you're in rough shape right now...and that's ok. When I was in the midst of this the first time, I didn't think I would ever get past it. I wasn't eating enough, I was drinking too much & nothing could console me. At some point wiser people than myself made me realize I had to take ownership of what I could control & try to let go of the things out of my control. Almost like an alcoholic, I had to start living one day at a time, understanding that I couldn't go back in time or change the past & the future is unwritten.

You made the choice to tell her you didn't want kids for a reason & you're punishing yourself for the way things ended, but it was destined to end one way or another. If you really try to be honest with yourself, you'll realize that you're placing her on a pedestal & you're really upset that you lost control of the situation. The first thing you can do is to simply forgive yourself for whatever you think you did wrong. Next just try to take it easy on yourself...stop beating yourself up, or replaying the events that lead to the breakup in your mind. It's counterproductive & you'll always wind up back where you started. Finally, just do something nice for yourself everyday. If you want 5 slices of pizza for dinner, do it. If you want a pint of ice cream for dessert, do it. Go to a movie with friends. Try to surround yourself with positive friends & family & by al means keep going to therapy.

It also helps to write all of this down. This is like choking on broken glass, you need to get it all out so you can begin to breathe again. Once you get it on paper, you'll realize you don't need to carry it around like an anvil. It's remarkably freeing & allows you to focus your energy on healing. Give it a try.

You will get past this & you'll come out a better person on the other side. You'll also meet someone better. Every time this happened to me, I've always wound up with the next partner better than the last. At some point you'll be able to look back on this & realize that all this pain spurred on tremendous growth.

 

[TheDirtyH]

I know I’ve become a cliche, but I just can’t believe she wasn’t perfect. I know it’s a delusion, but I can’t believe it. It’s the same as the belief that I’ve ruined my life. Like I made a mistake in solitaire, and that’s it, game over. It’s possible unforeseen issues could have arisen the longer we’d dated, and it’s possible we could have broken up anyway. I have major depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. The OCD is really killing me right now with the ruminating.

I’ve had family members pass away, and I’ve been through breakups, but this has really just destroyed me. I’m still eating and going to work every day but it’s been hell. I can’t even escape it when I’m sleeping because of the dreams. This has been easily the hardest time of my life.

I don't doubt it. I've got OCD myself, so I can certainly sympathize with the ruminations. But then, the fact that we have an OCD diagnosis gives us an advantage since we already know that it's our OCD causing us distress. All you have to do is face your symptoms as you would in any other scenario. That's how I go about it when it's been really bad for me at least.

Otherwise, all I can say is that time passes and echo @Boris Zubov. I know you're convinced that this is unique and won't get better, but it's not and it will.

 

[Kane One]

@aufheben @TheDirtyH I have this Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for OCD workbook if either of you want it. I don’t remember if I wrote in it though but I don’t think I did just for giveaway reasons.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

I know I’ve become a cliche, but I just can’t believe she wasn’t perfect. I know it’s a delusion, but I can’t believe it. It’s the same as the belief that I’ve ruined my life. Like I made a mistake in solitaire, and that’s it, game over. It’s possible unforeseen issues could have arisen the longer we’d dated, and it’s possible we could have broken up anyway. I have major depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. The OCD is really killing me right now with the ruminating.

I’ve had family members pass away, and I’ve been through breakups, but this has really just destroyed me. I’m still eating and going to work every day but it’s been hell. I can’t even escape it when I’m sleeping because of the dreams. This has been easily the hardest time of my life.

Have you heard of exposure and response prevention therapy? Basically, the idea is you list things that trigger you about her. It could be pictures, it could be romantic movies, it could be anything of the like. Then you expose yourself to these things. One thing that you have to do is when you expose yourself to these triggers and an obsessive thought comes to mind and it makes you wonder "did I ruin my life?", "was I a bad boyfriend?", "was she not perfect?". You are supposed to sit with those thoughts and not ruminate kind of go "maybe, maybe not". Your OCD feeds on uncertainty. It's the uncertainty that's causing the pain.

It's VERY hard to do and as someone with OCD I've been through these many times and haven't really done that amazing of a job of following that advice. But that's kind of what you're supposed to do.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

OCD is like a virus trying to find your weakest point. Or like a skilled chess player trying to checkmate you. Knowing that goes a long way towards dealing with it.