LTTP but so much this. I have many hobbies and interests but the quirkiest of them all is that I raise ant colonies (I've been doing this for a LONG time, way before AntsCanada was a thing - I actually was part of the community before he came on scene and he and I chatted a lot, I helped coach him early on, true story but not relevant here lol) and am pretty passionate about ants, wasps, bees, etc. in general. I don't advertise it but everyone knows this about me and everyone respects it. I'm newly single (well, about 8 months now on and off, but after being with the same person for 12 years it feels new as hell still, and I'm not over it) and I've put myself out there and been on a few dates. I wasn't ready at all, and I'm still not, but I went for it anyway. Just a few Tinder things. One in particular who was gorgeous and had made the first move... we chatted online for 3 days with 4-5 hour sessions of just non-stop back and forth and I wasn't shy at all to share my ant passion. She was really intrigued by it and got into it, asking all kinds of questions and wanting to see photos etc. It's not the kind of thing you'd expect would impress a girl you're trying to get to "meet in person" stage with but it was one of many things that worked. You can quickly tell if there's any interest in what you're putting down and the key is to keep it flowing whether the response to what you've said is upbeat and interested or dismissive. Once you let a speed bump affect your "game" (I hate that word but I can't think of another way to put it), it's all downhill and you've probably lost the thread. Her interest in me faded when I made the mistake of telling her about a serious argument I had gotten into with a friend that day because she hates drama and has no place for any of it in her life, so not knowing me very well and hearing that put her off. I didn't give up, I wrote her a long ass message and two days later she came back. We had another chat session and right in the middle of it she just casually says "Hey, why don't you come over tomorrow?" and that's how that happened.
I didn't ever try to impress her. I was just me. I kept everything light (except for discussing my fall out with a friend) and simple, I never forced boring questions, I never even asked what she did for a living or anything like that. Those things just naturally and fluidly enter conversation when you talk to someone for as long as we did. I never let any speedbump deter me. I just kept conversation going. Obviously this won't work with everyone, some people just really don't connect, but sometimes it does take a while before the connection occurs and you just can't give up on it until it's clear nothing is materializing. You can make virtually any topic interesting and funny if you approach it right and don't let up. The other thing I do is remember everything they say, especially things they're embarrassed about or find silly. I then find a way to bring that back into normal conversation at a later moment just as a side comment, and it often serves the dual purpose of indicating you find it cute or funny, and of having them get off their guard and open up more all while showing you pay attention and care. At least for me it does. There's a good and bad way to go about it. It does have to be smooth and requires some amount of charm and flirt already present, but it's definitely something that helps the dialogue continue.
In person is a whole different game. Even though we had chatted for dozens of hours, and I'm usually a confident guy, I was still nervous as hell meeting her (12 years of rust will do that). It was a bit slow and awkward at first but I just told myself what I'm telling you and stuck to my game, who I am naturally. I told myself that whether this worked out or not wasn't a big deal and forcing it wouldn't achieve anything but disappointment later. We didn't work out. Not romantically. I was clearly still too troubled by my ex and she read it quickly. But we spent the day together anyway, smuggled wine onto a beach, sat on a lifeguard chair and just chatted for 4 hours. She's great. We still talk. We still even flirt. There may or may not be something down the road. She expressed interest in visiting me a while back and while it didn't happen, the intrigue is still there.
It's easier said than done but being confident and funny, and having the ability to mock yourself AND her in a playful manner, keeping conversation going even if it's about the most mundane of things... you can always turn a topic of nothing into something... those are keys. Read the "room". Lead when you see you should and let her lead when she opens up. Feel free to interrupt her with comments about what SHE is interested in or discussing. Not rudely but just little things here and there. Laugh a lot, at yourself, at her, at any situation. Make yourself easy to talk to and she will seize that even if she's naturally quiet.
Sorry for the rambling long message. I haven't read this thread, just that comment, but I decided to put this out there for you and anyone else in case it helps. A lot of it easier said than done, especially the first time but it IS a practice that works and it helps you weed out who is a potential partner and who definitely isn't. Never change who you are or what you love for someone else, it will never work out. It's just the delivery and the reciprocation that matter. If you're on a date where you've previously chatted and exchanged photos and everything, that part is done. That's the heavy lifting. Being attracted to one another means you're already one step ahead in it. If you've chatted by text and it was funny and easy, then you're really good to go. It's time to find out if it sticks or not. And if it doesn't, don't let that bother you.
Same thing with music. On the first date I wouldn’t go to the whole “let me play you this 11 minute song so I can tell you to really pay attention for this one 15 second solo because it’s SOOOO good” but I will nerd out about music, hockey, food, beer, fantasy games, books and movies, tv and movies in general, you name it. Whatever ones she has in common with me, I’ll fully divulge my unabashed nerdiness.
