OT: Relationship Advice Thread

RempireStateBuilding

Registered User
Dec 13, 2009
3,676
1,890
NY
I was referring to marriage- anyone marrying someone because of a nice smile. I know I am an exception but I dated my wife for 8 years before we got married. I was also not referring to google- of course everyone googles. Are you guys talking about running a full check using an agency? How extensive?

I am with my current gf for 6- i don’t need to run a background check. Background is talking to her friends and family- that is more extensive than a criminal check.

It’s a different discussion, but being convicted of a crime doesn’t make someone a bad person either. It just means they were caught. I know guys that have domestic violence charges for throwing a phone on the ground. What are you using for background checks?

Background checks are used to find things like past violent assault charges, convictions, sex offender registration. Employment history too if they're talking a really big game. People can be very good at hiding very important information for personal gain. I can understand wanting to move on from a bad past and respect someone for not wanting to discuss their past at every turn, but I also absolutely respect someone's decision that meeting a person with a history like that is a dealbreaker. I don't know exactly what kind of checks my friend does for guys she meets, but she sends me screenshots from a site(?) called Trellis that show the type of offenses, if it was a repeat offense, where & when it happened, who filed the charges, and the status of any charges.

Some people are more honest and forthcoming. You and your girlfriend sound lucky to have found that in each other to where you don't have to worry. Having a number of people corroborate things is usually a good sign too.

I've managed to be in 4 serious relationships without having a domestic assault charge or any charge brought against me. None of my friends have any convictions or charges either. That, to me, is a red flag 9.9 times out of 10. By the time they're caught there's almost always a history. Maybe they're not bad people, but it doesn't always take a bad person to do bad things sometimes. It would take a lot of vetting to convince me.

It's a very different dating world for women compared to men. The popular meme phrase I've seen is that in dating, men are afraid of being catfished; women are afraid of being murdered. It's insane to consider that that's the other half's reality because yea, I've never ran a check on anyone I've dated or felt in any sort danger going on a date. But that's women's reality.
 

Machinehead

HFNYR MVP
Jan 21, 2011
148,016
126,812
NYC
Exaaacctly.

We moved to Brooklyn Heights in late September from Carroll Gardens (not astronomically far) and heard horror stories about how tough it was to make friends in the area (especially in comparison to CG where the people are genuinely lovely.)

We already have a trivia group (if you're into trivia in DTB - I highly recommend sound and fury... Hell I recommend sound and fury in general that place is awesome) and we've made friends with soon to to be parents in the area as we're expecting our first this Friday. For dating, the same rules pretty much apply.

A little effort goes a long way.

@Machinehead if Liberty Country is Barclays thats in Park Slope and will fight anyone who says otherwise LOL.
Everything the light touches is Liberty Country.
 
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LokiDog

Get pucks deep. Get pucks to the net. And, uh…
Sep 13, 2018
11,892
23,595
Dallas
my entire company is men.

That’s a weird way of asking if it’s okay to date your coworkers.


I’m freaking the f*** out guys. My ex is taking Henry to Poland for 2 months. We have paperwork to enforce it, but one it’s a long ass time and two there’s no guarantee she comes back. I could legally go and get him if she doesn’t but it’s not like Poland would force her to come back or anything. It has potential to get ugly. Meanwhile, expecting another child with the girl I’ve been with is exciting but still SO unexpected (yeah… I’m not an idiot; we knew it was possible and played with fire… a lot… but I drink a ton, smoke, etc. and I’m 38. We just didn’t think it was happening). I am in a far better place today than I was 6 months ago, but I also still have debt collectors calling daily and am always scrambling to figure out my budget and make sure our rent is paid, etc.

I don’t know if I’m ready for this child. She’s only met my family once and I haven’t told them she’s pregnant. Her family knows and I’ve met them a lot. They’re great, but they’re also struggling - they were well off for a long time but fell on hard times and are trying to sell their house. We have virtually no support system aside from their emotional support. She doesn’t have insurance and can’t be on mine because we aren’t married. We need to go to a doctor and get an ultrasound and preliminary tests done on this baby. I know I’m in a better place and it’s a good relationship and there’s a happy future to be had somewhere in all of this… but right now I feel like such a giant POS knowing that I literally can’t afford to pay for the proper doctors to support this pregnancy and keep a roof over our heads at the same time. And the entire holiday season at this point is nothing but pressure, anxiety and isolation. It’s becoming a very real situation and I am worried about spiraling into alcoholism and destructive patterns between now and new years.
 

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