It's strange I've taken myself out of the dating game since this thread first started and now I'm pretty much autopilot "don't care" immune to all the noise, however I'm kind of at some point looking to get back into it and work on that part of life.
So any advice for not overdoing it or easy ways to get back into it? It might not be for a few more months or I might even push it off until early next year because I have a lot of trips coming up (weddings, bachelor parties, concert festivals, and maybe even a Rangers trip or two).
I'm in pretty good shape now and no complaints with work (the next step/level up is up to me).
I talk with two ladies both long distance but I'm very hesitant based on past experience to go out of my way visit them. I like them both just not "stupid crazy" think about them every moment.
Apps are ok but a lot of work.
I've always found when giving dating advice this works best when giving DONTs and corresponding DOs:
DONTs
- Don't have overly serious conversations in the beginning. Avoid talking about marriage/kids/LT relationship/deep feelings/bad exes/past trauma.
- DO: Keep things light, fun, and playful. Your #1 goal on a date is to make sure she has fun with you. What matters is how she feels around you. You CAN bring up bad exes if the purpose is to laugh together, but you have to read the room so this comes across as humor/shared laugh and not ranting/venting.
- Don't tell her everything just because she asks.
- DO: If she asks you anything too personal, say (playfully) that she doesn't know you well enough for you to share that yet, but you'll share after she earns your trust more.
- Don't get too far out ahead of your skis. Don't profess your love for her or talk about marriage/a family.
- DO: If the date goes well, say the date went well. Period, full stop. It's just a date. One step at a time.
- Don't compliment her on her looks verbally. She's heard it a million times, and you need to make her feel seen for more than looks. Leave the physical attraction unspoken.
- DO: If you think she's beautiful, make direct eye contact and smile warmly instead.
- DO: Compliment her on things that make her unique, or are personality based. "You seem confident," "oh, so you're a natural leader then?", "That's amazing you're into the arts, I'm always down for a concert or a dance recital." Avoid using 'I' as a subject when complimenting. Make it about her, not you. "You seem confident" not "I like your confidence."
- Should go without saying, but avoid anything lewd: sexts, requests for nudes, desperate begging for sex, etc. Act like you've been there before, even if you haven't.
- DO: If anything's going to be lewd, let her initiate it and decide if you're OK with it. If she doesn't initiate, leave it alone until you're sleeping together. Then gently feel out where the boundaries are if this is important to you. Strong advice not to go past sexts/flirtatiously graphic emails (anything else is likely to give off creep vibes.)
- Don't talk about yourself too often or hijack the conversation. Maintain a healthy balance of time talking.
- DO: Ask her questions about herself, let her talk, remember her answers, and bring them up in future conversation to show that you're paying attention.
- DO: Ask leading questions, and let her reply. It enhances the flirtatiousness of the date and makes it less boring. "You seem like you know all the good concerts, huh?" and let her reply instead of "So what kind of music do you like?"
- DO: Above all, try to keep the conversation flowing. You should be getting to know each other, flirting, and having fun above all else.
- Don't forget to build anticipation for the next date if things are going well. Don't pander to her interests, but don't focus only on your own ideas either.
- DO: Start feeling out ideas for 2nd dates by talking about things you'd like to do that you've never done and file away the ones she also expresses interest in (don't bring them up as future dates, bring them up as things you want to do). Base these ideas, off the cuff, on your naturally flowing conversation and discovering what her interests are, looking for overlap with your own.
- Don't be bad at communicating.
- DO: When you ask her out, suggest a specific time & place + tailor it to her interests based on conversations you've previously had and/or her profile (if using OLD)
- DO: Text her after a date ends to say if you had a good time or want to see her again, and check to see she got home safe.
- Don't lie about yourself or your interests (or feign interest in something) just to impress her.
- DO: Be yourself, but be the best, funnest, most hilarious, most interesting version of yourself that exists. Avoid negativity. If you're not into something, you can simply say you've never tried it. If you dislike something, you can say 'I tried it, it's not for me.'
- Don't talk about work.
- DO: Get her to talk about her passions and hobbies, and talk about your own. Of course, allow her to talk about her work if her work is her passion, but otherwise don't dwell on it.
- DO: When she asks about your work, you can simply answer with what you do in summary and change the topic of conversation back to something else (good place to pivot to talking about education/college which is always an open door to talk about fun college experiences/what she was like back then/that sort of fun thing). Unless she expresses a deep interest in your work, avoid talking about it in depth.
- Don't be boring/generically nice.
- DO: Challenge her, but respectfully and playfully. If you disagree with her on something, explain yourself thoughtfully. Give prospective compliments: "I bet you'd be really good at [my hobby] if you tried it because you seem like a quick learner and you're athletic."
- DO: Tease her. Again, playfully, not maliciously. DO NOT NEG! Tease her about things she's done or said, not about her looks, who she is, or her station in life.
- DO: Stand up for yourself. Be polite to staff, but if they get her order wrong, raise your hand and request them to fix it. If they get your order wrong, do the same. Don't be rude, but don't be a pushover either.
- Don't squabble over money at the date.
- DO: Offer to pay.
- DO: Let her contribute to paying if she insists on it. Be wary of anyone who goes through two full dates without offering to pay for anything.
- Don't be too forward. Reading body language is key and will tell you what is and isn't acceptable. If you're not sure, either don't do it or ask her if it's okay.
- DO: Read her body language which will let you know if you can initiate physical touch/hug/kiss/etc. - but go into a first date with no expectations for this sort of thing unless you really hit it off.
- DO: If you're vibing, make sure your own body language is open as well to convey interest.
Above all, live in the moment and take it one step at a time. Build attraction first, then deepen the connection later. Speak openly and honestly about what you're looking for, but don't show all your cards at once.
And what are you looking for?
First Date: I'm just looking to meet interesting women and see if there's anyone I connect with who can keep up with me.
A few dates in: I'm definitely open to the possibility of a relationship, but I'm looking for the right person to do that with.
Inside exclusive dating: I'm enjoying seeing you and really looking forward to seeing what we can become.
Inside a committed relationship: This is going really well and it's great. I'm starting to think about if our lives are truly compatible in that kind of way. (That's when you start talking about the much more serious stuff if you haven't already)
Too many people lead on the first date with "I'm dating to meet a wife and start a family" - that just creeps women out...don't do it.
If she asks you what you're looking for. Lead with the first date line and add the "a few dates in" line at the end, and you can get away with that on the first date without saying anything further. If she presses you still, and specifically asks about marriage, you want that "someday" but you'd need to be sure the woman is right for you first before even entertaining that sort of thing. And yes, red flags should be waving if she asks you this on a first date! Tread carefully!
Above all, remember you're there to screen her as much as she's there to screen you. Too many men put women on a pedestal and think a date is for them to 'impress' them. Many women fall into the same trap in their attitudes towards men - they act like he's a marionette there to wow her and she doesn't have to put in effort. Don't fall into that trap, and push back if that's how the date seems to be going, but playfully. If she reacts angrily, politely end the date - she's a waste of time. If she softens her approach, you've earned her respect, and opened the door to fun and a better date.
Good luck man.
