The Hockey Gods Discussing How to Screw the Leafs every year:
2001: "I'm out of energy from doing all the planning to make sure Ray Bourque gets his cup with the Avs. No time for this, can we just make it a really fun back-and-forth series and then they get chased out of the building on the road in game 7?"
"sounds good man, let's do it"
2002: "OK, check this one out. We're gonna riddle the team with injuries. Like absolutely decimate them."
"LOL awesome, so they'll miss the playoffs then? Or lose round 1?"
"nope, even better. They're going to just keep somehow winning games. Sundin will go down and Alyn McCauley will fill his role. Yushkevich we'll put down by February. Tucker will miss the end of round 2. Renberg will miss the entire playoffs. The team will have to rely on Tomas Kaberle and Bryan McCabe to play 29 minutes per game, AND they'll have to use Cory Cross, Wade Belak, Anders Eriksson, Karel Pilar and Nathan Dempsey on defense in all three rounds. And Paul Healy will play not one, not two, but 18 games"
"who??"
"exactly. I barely even know who any of those guys are. Dempsey I'm pretty sure is related to the former Little Miss Springfield."
"ok, cool, then what?"
"well, let's make it so that they triumph over their most hated foes with a decimated lineup, AND THEN, just as everyone is returning to health, they get a sweet matchup with a small market lunchpail gang coached by Paul Maurice and featuring Arturs Irbe in net. They simply can't believe their luck! And when they score in the final minute to send game 6 to OT, you know damn well everyone will think they're a team of destiny."
"And then kaput?"
"that's right. Some grinder gets the goal of course."
"You are truly an artist."
2003: "Really lacking for ideas this year and I've spent weeks rigging it so that Giguere carries the Ducks all the way to the final. What do you have for me?"
"how about we do the same thing as 2001?"
"we can't do the same thing, that's not how this works."
"well we don't have a lot of time. By the way, have you sorted out those two consecutive 3-1 series comebacks by the Minnesota Wild yet?"
".......oh shit. Yeah, we better just re-run the 2001 algorithm for the Leafs this time"
2004: "I've got big plans for this one. Round 2 has to be spectacular because it's the last one they're gonna play in for a while."
"OK, so definitely Philly again."
"Yes, that's what I think. So what we'll do is, in a series in which they came back from 2-0, and in a game in which they did the same, in an overtime in which they have ALL the momentum, we'll have Darcy Tucker hit Kapanen so hard he doesn't know what year it is. It's so obvious the Leafs will win this one..... Except they don't."
"ouch. that one'll be replayed for years in their heads, won't it?"
2013: "I think we've kept them out of the playoffs long enough, hey?"
"I could go for a few more years, actually. Let's do another 2007. That was awesome."
"nah, I'm planning on re-running the 2007 script on the Lightning in 2017. It affects the Leafs too, you'll understand when it happens."
"oh, k, cool"
"and don't worry bro. Some playoff misses are still coming. But this year they're gonna PDO their way into the playoffs. just this once. And not just barely, either: They'll be the 5th seed!"
"this makes no sense considering how the last few years have gone."
"EXACTLY!! But the fans will ignore the fact that the team is not actually good and will think they just magically turned the corner."
"Genius!"
"This time they're gonna battle back hard from a 3-1 series deficit, and then.... get this, man.... we're gonna have them up FOUR TO ONE with just ten minutes left in game 7!"
"this is 2013, teams don't blow leads like that, so what are you suggesting exactly?"
"nah man, nothing complicated, they're gonna blow the lead."
"What? No! We have to at least keep this believable."
"Hey, watch yourself. I'm your boss."
"Yes, I'm sorry, I forgot myself there. I'll arrange it."
2017: "OK, they're finally rebuilding correctly and this is Auston Matthews' first year. The team should probably miss the playoffs for a year or two, right?"
"Hey, I'm not saying they should win a round or anything, but let's at least get them in there to give them some false hope."
"hmmm, I like it. But we had 8 teams penciled in the East already this year. Who do we scratch?"
"Didn't you say you'd use the 2007 script on the Lightning this year?"
"OH RIGHT! Ok, let's do that, then we can get the Leafs in against the President's trophy winner."
"Let's make it a good series. The best one they'll play for at least 8 years. Lots of OT. Make it look like they were just a couple of coinflips away from an easy series win."
"Done and done!"
2018: "Bruins are the nemesis again. Can you pull up the 2013 script?"
"Got it right here, here you go."
"Ok, let me see here. Down 3-1, battle back to force a game 7, this all looks good, now just scratch the part about blowing a 4-1 lead in the 3rd and change it to a one-goal lead."
"what about the part about allowing 4 more goals?"
"leave that part in. It'll play well. Pick a scapegoat, your choice. Put him on the ice for all four of them"
"oh, goody!"
2019: "Bruins again. Flip the script on them. This time, THEY lead the Bruins 3-2 and the Bruins force the game 7."
"ok, what happens next?"
"from the Bruins point of view, lots. They score two weak ones in the first, then take a 3-1 lead in the 3rd. From the Leafs point of view, nothing. They just keep getting shut down, can't get any good chances, and generally look like shit."
"Can I suggest something?"
"go for it."
"How about Babcock keeps playing a fossil all third period when the Leafs badly need two goals instead of riding Auston Matthews, the one game-breaking scorer the team has?"
"I appreciate your originality! Let's add that to the mix."
2020: "ugh. the disease gods really messed up hockey this time."
"yeah, didn't see this coming."
"but we've gotta adjust, good sir, so let's rig it so Toronto plays some sad-sack franchise they can make short work of."
"Montreal?"
"No, I've got bigger plans for them."
"Columbus!!"
"That's the stuff right there. So of course things won't go as planned. Leafs will generally play like shit and Columbus will have them on the ropes."
"And then JAM IN THE DAGGER!"
"no no no, gotta give them some hope first. We're gonna have them do what Boston did to them in game 6, only in half the time. Four minutes left, absolutely lifeless, needing three goals, they suddenly come to life! The game is tied in the last minutes and of course they win it in overtime to force the deciding game."
"wait wait wait. The 2013 comeback was improbable enough, and now we expect people to believe it can be done in just 4 minutes? Dude, they're gonna be onto us. People will start asking questions. Last thing we need is priests digging around, trying to exorcise demons and shit"
"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT QUESTIONING ME???? just make it happen."
"and then they lose game 5?"
"yes, of course they lose game 5. Completely listless and pathetic. Turn the defeated looks on their faces up to max by halfway through the game."
2021: "I've been planning this one for years! Get a load of this: Leafs are the heavy favourites in this series, they lose game 1, but storm back to three easy victories..."
"we're not letting them win a series yet though, are we?"
"come on. who do you think you're talking to here?"
"ahh, that's what I thought. So they lose three straight in leafs-like fashion?"
"well, we're still in the process of inventing what Leafs-like fashion actually is. So this time they're gonna go down 3-0 in game 5. And all the fans are thinking, well this sucks, but we'll get them next game, right? WRONG! Three straight goals! Leafs are taking this to overtime at home! They've got this! But no, just one minute into overtime, Suzuki scores, assisted by Caufield, and......uh....."
"Galchenyuk?"
"you idiot, he's not even on the habs anymore!!!....... wait a second. It's perfect! I love it! I can see it now.... Galchenyuk makes the worst blind pass in NHL history, giving the Habs the clearest two-on-none you'll see in your life. And that says a lot, because you're immortal!"
"ok, but that's just game 5. Fans will still be optimistic."
"yes, and with good reason. especially after they pull off another multi-goal comeback to send game 6 to overtime! And they'll dominate this one start to finish,"
"....but the first real chance the Habs get in overtime...."
"that's right, it ends up in the back of their net."
"what do we do for game 7?"
"just repeat the game 5 script from the year before. Throw in a really late meaningless goal so that no one suspects we just re-used it."
2022: "shades of 2018 this time. First of all, stack the division yet again, so that they have to play a much better opponent than they think they deserve. Then, a completely wild, pendulum series that tightens up as it goes on. You take it from here. Game 6, what are your thoughts?"
"hmm, ok, comebacks are a recurring theme, so... let's say it's 2-0 lightning, Leafs storm back to tie it AND take the lead going into the 3rd..."
"I like where you're going with this."
"and, um, let's see... A phantom high stick?"
"what is that?"
"you know. Like a penalty gets called on them for high sticking, but they never actually high sticked the player."
"how do you propose we do that?"
"I'll just turn up Cal Foote's dramatics rating to 10 for one game, and do the same to the referee's gullibility rating."
"ahh, good call, my protege. Carry on."
"Just to twist the knife, we'll have Kerfoot chase Hedman all the way back into his zone on the penalty kill, only to actually high stick him."
"gasp! A 5-on-3. You're evil, man."
"You're too kind. I learned from the best, after all. So of course Tampa Bay ties it on the 5-on-3 and we go to overtime. Tampa Bay scores a dirty goal on a mixup in front, but not before a puck grazes off the shaft of Matthews' stick and inches wide of the Tampa net."
"damn, that's one they'll think about all summer."
"yeah, I thought it was a nice touch. Anyway, same old thing for game 7. I was thinking if we just put 2019, 2021 and 2022 in a blender and see how it played out, would that be too..... samey?"
"nah, I like it. At this point, the Leafs' identity is that they're predictably putrid in a deciding game, and then we can play the angle that they've learned nothing all this time about competing. I say run it."
"consider it done, sir."
"wait! One more thing. How about a disallowed tying goal in the middle of the game?"
"I can do that. what are you thinking? kicked in? offside?"
"worse. Interference. A play that happens a dozen times a game but the ref will call it just this once. Not only is it no goal, but a Tampa powerplay too"
"oh ok, got a specific referee in mind?"
"I do, actually. He's related to David Frost"
"THAT David Frost??"
"Yes, the one linked to Keefe from over 20 years ago. Just leak it to the media that McCauley and Frost are 'reportedly close' and let Leafs fans wild imaginations do the rest."
"Wow, this is the best script we've ever written!"
"I think so. And, we can get a lot more mileage out of this whole McCauley thing in the future, too."
"There's just one problem. Didn't Keefe testify in court FOR Frost, not against him?"
"Hahahahaha, you're funny man. You really think emotional Leafs fans are going to accept that reality when it's so much easier to accept a conspiracy theory? Come on, you know better."
"yes, I guess so. Good point."
2023: "We're getting a directive from above to get the Leafs to round 2 this year. It comes right from the big guy."
"Ok, gross, but how?"
"I know, it sucks, it wasn't in my plans either, but Leafs Nation lost Salming this year and the board wanted to give them at least something this season. But only this season!"
"so, a hollow victory then?"
"exactly. Let's say they're the better team just once in six games, and win three road overtimes, two on bounces and tips. One improbable comeback in an otherwise lifeless game. Basically winning in spite of themselves."
"But that's not how a lot of people will see it. They'll say they proved they could take a punch, they bent but didn't break, found a way to win, et cetera."
"But don't worry. what happens next will prove to everyone what they really are."
"OK, do tell."
"Remember how we turned all the dials to the max on Boston this year?"
"yeah. record-setting season. Pretty awesome. That threw everyone for a loop. They're gonna obliterate the Leafs in round 2 aren't they?"
"EVEN BETTER. They're gonna lose to the wildcard Panthers, and then the Panthers are going to not only beat the Leafs, but sweep them!"
"....that's cold, man. I don't think I'm cut out for this job anymore."
"not only that, but the core four, who looked like heroes just a week before, aren't going to score a single goal in the series. Not one."
"OK, that's going way too far. People are definitely going to be onto us. I'm leaving while I still have plausible deniability. Bye!"