- Sep 30, 2016
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It did end horribly but was a long time ago. Hindsight and self reflection helped me move past the events as they happened. Jury is still out on the events that could have happened if things went differently.
Not that great of a story, but since at least one person is a glutton for punishment, I'll try to recount as much as I can remember since it was a long time ago and my memory has forgotten some aspects of it.
TL/DR: I asked a girl out to the 9th grade grad dance and things didn't work out as I hoped.
Long version. It's a giant wall of text. You have been warned.
This was thirty-something years ago when I was 15 years old. As a kid I was pretty shy, a strange combination of extroverted and introverted: with people I knew well, I could be pretty outgoing but around those I wasn't familiar with, I was quite reserved and quiet.
Early on in my senior year in middle school, the last semester began after the winter break. I arrived late to one particular class, and most of the seats had been filled up already. Scanning the room didn't show many seats nearby nor anyone I really new, so I prompted to sit to the empty desk closest to me. Now perhaps the reason was laziness in not going to an empty desk somewhere in the middle of the class, or perhaps it was subconscious because it was the desk right behind someone I sort of knew; as in, I knew the girl sitting there as we had been classmates since elementary school but never engaged in any sort of social interaction.
Almost as soon as I sat down, she almost immediately turned around and engaged me in conversation. I remember feeling quite puzzled as to why she did that, since we weren't really friends and never had interacted before. My shy personality was present, and I felt quite uncomfortable. The conversation was your typical teenage type of conversation, about school, classes, and what-not.
As time passed, her behaviour shifted slightly, as she began teasing me ever so slightly. Not the mean type of teasing, the term "playful teasing" could likely best be used to describe it. I don't remember much about what exactly she said, but the teasing question "You're my boyfriend, right?" stuck with me all these years later.
I was only 15 and hadn't ever interacted with a girl before, not really much in my previous middle school years nor in elementary. The most I ever had was playing with both boy and girl friends on the school ground or possibly working on assignments or as part of the elementary school patrol. So my inexperience didn't see what she was actually doing. I was very puzzled, and unsure of how to respond.
Her teasing question went on for a long time. I hadn't really considered her in that way before. Yes, she was quite pretty: short brown hair, brown eyes, sweet smile. But growing up I always seemed to place a pretty high value on personality: I couldn't ever see myself with anyone if they didn't have a wonderful personality, and that mattered more to me than looks did.
Somewhere in her teasing, I began to develop a crush on her. I got to know her personality pretty well over the course of her teasing me the 10-15 minutes before that class each day.
The other thing I should mention is that as a kid, I was pretty overweight, and while self-conscious about it, it was always one of those things that was in the back of my mind. Thankfully no one ever made fun of me for it as I recall, but as you get into that awkward teenage years, everything seems more amplified.
So my dilemma became what should I do about this girl, who now I had a crush on, who I thought might have interest, to find my way through my unconscious hang-ups and shyness, to find some path forward?
In retrospect, the answer is pretty easy: throw out a question about hanging out or going to a movie, but 15-year old me was terrified of that possibility. It wasn't so much a fear or rejection, but rather a fear of making a complete fool of myself. As I mentioned, she was quite pretty, and at least in my own self view, I was not very attractive.
My internal debate went on for a long time. Finally, I decided that I had to know where I stood, as the thought of spending the rest of my life wondering what might have been to be more terrifying of making a fool of myself. So I rehearsed a speech for the next day, where I would ask her out to our 9th grade graduation dance.
The day came, and I was more nervous than I had ever been before. The routine started as it always had, and of course she teased me once again, but for whatever reason, I could not get the rehearsed speech out at all. I was way too nervous to start it, and before I knew it, the bell rang and class had begun.
I mentally kicked myself for being too afraid, so I thought I'd try again after class. My mind was too consumed going over the speech once again that I paid little attention to what was going on in class.
However, as fate would have it, the bell rang signaling the end of class, and I chickened out a second time.
I kind of knew where she might be since she had mentioned what her next class was, so I dropped off my books in my locker and tried to time it so that I would pass her on the stairs. And of course, sure enough, as I walked down the stairs, I saw her climbing back up.
My heart began pounding in my chest, and as she passed me, I thought to myself it was now or never. So I called out her name in the form of a question, and spun around. She looked at me a little confused and said "Yeah?".
I had reached the point of no return, and had to continue. But the speech I rehearsed went completely out the window. I was too nervous and if I didn't say anything in that moment, I wouldn't get any words out at all. So I kind of just blurted out whether she wanted to go to grad with me.
She looked pretty confused, and maybe awkward. She told me that she'd have to think about it, maybe that she had planned going with friends. The words were drowned out by the nervousness I felt so I didn't hear much of it.
I think I said something like OK, and turned around and continued walking. I suppose in hindsight I should have said something more, but I guess I barely got the words out the first time, there wasn't anything more I would have been able to say.
As I walked off, I felt relieved. Sure, it wasn't a flat out rejection, might have been a soft rejection even, but I was relieved because it was over and I didn't feel humiliated, so all in all was a positive feeling.
But any positiveness I felt was dashed a few moments later.
As I made my way back to my locker to grab my stuff for the next class, I saw her out of the corner of my eye, talked with a friend of hers. I couldn't hear what was being said, but given what had happened, I figured it must have been because of my asking her out.
I strained to hear while fumbling with stuff in my locker, but couldn't hear anything being said. After she had finished talking, I heard her friend exclaim "Oh my God!". In that moment, I was utterly devastated. It wasn't so much the words but rather the tone in her voice. It was a mixture of clear surprise and disgust. And in that moment, any self confidence I had went completely down the proverbial toilet.
The rest of that day was a haze. There was lots of gossip, and it seemed that everyone whispered and looked in my direction, which made it all the more difficult.
A lot of time passed, and at least the gossip had ceased, but I wasn't in the same mental place I had been prior. Which leads us to the moment that this story was about.
I found myself walking to school that day. It was early summer, and there was only a few more weeks left in school. I spotted her standing in a group on the outside of the school. I couldn't handle any possible interaction, as it would just remind me of how foolish I was, so I tried to make for a different door, but I heard my name called out.
I watched as one of her friends made her way towards me. She was someone the both of us knew from elementary school, and I began to wonder why she was coming towards me. I felt pretty awkward, as I didn't feel quite like having a discussion with anyone at that moment.
Once she finally arrived, she told me that the girl really liked me, and if I were to ask her to grad again, she would say yes. I found myself absolutely stunned at this development. Considering my emotional state, there was no way I would have ever guessed this was actually possible, but it had actually happened.
My mind wandered at the possibilities. I felt like I was in a pivotal moment, that the next few minutes would shape out how my life would unfold. I knew that this was an important moment, and I thought about what I should do. My mind then shifted to thinking about what I might say, what she might say in response, thought about what grade 9 grad would be like and us going together.
Unfortunately for me, I wouldn't have the chance to make a choice. I suddenly became overwhelmed with a raw, primal fear. I felt like someone or something pulled me away, like it was fate intervening and making the choice for me. In retrospect, I think it might have been my fight or flight response kicking in, making me run from whatever perceived danger my subconscious mind thought I was in.
So ultimately, in the end, I walked away, and didn't ask her out after all. It's one of those moments that you wish you could turn back the dial of time on and change but can't.
There's more to the story, but this post is already a giant wall of text, so I'll just end it there. Suffice it to say, we didn't go to the dance together.
Huh. The spoiler tag didn't do what I thought it would. Oh well
