One day in 1965, Steve Yzerman skated out of his mother's 5-hole and decided he wanted to be the general manager of the Detroit Red Wings. This has made many people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. *Where exactly did Yzerman go wrong since taking over? I thought it would be good to have a centralized location for these discussions. It is very clear that some think we should already be back in the playoffs at this point.
Here is the roster he inherited:
Detroit Red Wings 2018-19 roster and scoring statistics at hockeydb.com
The roster, scoring and goaltender statistics for the 2018-19 Detroit Red Wings playing in the NHL.www.hockeydb.com
After a few decades that involved losing some teeth to a drinking bout with Mickey Redmond, getting his orbital bone fractured after playfully ripping Kenny Daniels' mustache off on a dare, sawing his own leg in half to prove a point about particle physics to Sean Avery, and also some few games of hockeyball, Yzerman (known as "Stevie Y" for the constant stream of demands of "Stevie, WHY would you ever DO that?!?!?" from various teammates and coaches and opponents throughout his career) settled his sights on Florida.
The state of Florida is kindof shaped like a drooping wang, and Yzerman decided that it was a fine place to hone his appreciation for sports talk radio fans and their wannabe suck-ups - internet forum denizens. After a few years of helping build a Cup-winning team, Yzerman changed his name to YzerPlan and moved to Detroit to take over his old team.
And destroy it.
Since becoming GM of the Red Wings, YzerPlan has been seen/rumored to have
- Paid Justin Abdelkader millions of dollars to stay in Switzerland. Probably because of that thing that happened when they never played together.
- Made the city of Detroit the butt of jokes and a less-then-desirable place to raise a family for prospective players.
- Created a cartel specifically designed to raise the price of octopi in Wayne County and keep it there.
- Calmed the feuds between Eminem, Kid Rock, and Insane Clown Posse, and therefore making the rock-rap/hick-hop/magnets-how-do-they-work world that much more boring.
- Steadily increased the points-per-season max and playoff viability of the Red Wings without overspending too much.
- Failed to do anything about that one gal at the Deja Vu in Ypsilanti.
However it ends for The YzerPlan - in glory or in shame - the hockeyball world can rest assured that every dark twist and turn, every buttery nook and cranny, will be examined with electron microscopes here, on this very forum; the very opposite of "hush-hush, and on the Q T."
- Plausible Keats
* Thank you, Douglas Adams.