Gary Bettman and the NHL Board of Governors are forced out after I tug at everyone's heartstrings by telling everyone that hockey is too violent and PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN. I smoothly convince everyone of this by using the most hackneyed feel good talking points imaginable. After I am put in charge, I declare a new world order of professional hockey, and proclaim myself to be the ultimate hockey overlord. No rules committee, no board of governors, no nothing....just me with absolute power.
-80 games, 4 divisions, 24 teams, 4 teams from each division make the postseason. I decide which teams are abolished in The Great Contraction
-Divisional playoff format is abolished. Playoff matchups are decided via random lottery style drawing but higher seeds still have home ice advantage
-Ad breaks will take place between periods ONLY. They will all just be vomited out at once so the pansy owners can get their precious little ad revenue. No ads on jerseys, helmets, or anywhere in the arena unless they look like they did in 1993 (Pizza Hut Delivers!) since that was a superior time period. All studio intermission shows are gone forever--no one needs a bunch of talking heads blah blah blah-ing about what we just saw for the last 20 minutes, especially today when you can just look up that shit on your phone. Any team caught using modern sponsors loses all of their upcoming draft picks and the owner will be forced to eat a giant plate of steamed boogers at gunpoint
-No third man rule, no instigator, no game misconduct for secondary altercation, no restrictions on fighting in the last few minutes of the game. Fighting is encouraged as much as possible, and all fans who complain about fighting are banned for life and sent to forced labor camps where they wear dunce caps and are savagely beaten
-Players who turn down invitations to fight are given automatic game misconducts and their pay is reduced by 80 percent
-Lady Byng trophy is replaced by a trophy rewarding the player with the most penalty minutes. The Lady Byng trophy will be slowly lowered into a vat of acid. This event will be televised to the roar of the approving crowd.
-No mandatory visors. You can wear one if you want, but if you leave it on while fighting you get an automatic game misconduct and your pay is reduced by 80 percent
-Headshots are encouraged as much as possible. Concussion protocol eliminated. No suspensions for dirty hits. Keep your head up!
-Linesman who break up fights too early or before they have a chance to get going will be forced at gunpoint to look me in the eye while cutting off their pinky yakuza style.
-Only goals are reviewed. Refs have 30 seconds to make up their mind.
-Ref mics taken away so they can't announce penalties. PA announcers will do that--in the meantime, lazy fans can learn the signals
-Home teams wear white, road teams wear dark, no exceptions. No alternate jerseys, no special occasion jerseys, no political jerseys.
-Guaranteed contracts gone forever. Players will be paid based on how hard they practice and play, and the measures that they take to stay violent.
-No testing for any illegal substances except weed. If you are caught using weed you are banned for life. If you are caught using steroids or cocaine, you are given a raise and a complimentary filet mignon dinner, however if you are arrested that's on you.
-Teams will no longer employ the following: PR departments or media coaches of any kind, or HR departments. Completely useless. Broadcasters can stay and are given free reign to express themselves as much as possible unless they criticize violent play, in which case they will be immediately banned for life.
