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Useless Thread MMI: Brenda’s Bangers Appreciation Thread

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Plushies on the Suez: The General’s Latest Disaster​

We barely had time to process our catastrophic diplomatic failure in Russia before we were unceremoniously deported to Egypt.

Why Egypt? No idea. But given our track record, I figured we’d be kicked out soon enough.

Juan, however, saw this as an opportunity.

“The Suez Canal!” he declared proudly, standing on the dusty streets of Port Said, overlooking one of the busiest trade routes in the world. “A global center of commerce! And you know what’s missing here?”

Brenda yawned. “Somewhere to get a good lasagna?”

“A plushie stand,” Juan announced.

I rubbed my temples. Of course.

The Suez Canal Plushie Experience™​

Within two days, Juan had somehow acquired a rickety wooden cart and set up a makeshift stand right on the edge of the canal.

A massive hand-painted sign hung over the stall, reading:

"General Freedom's Suez Canal Plushie Experience™: Where Commerce Meets Cuddles!"

His inventory included:

  • Plush camels wearing little sailor hats
  • Miniature plush oil tankers with "SUEZ OR BUST" written on the sides
  • A stuffed eagle named Captain Canal, which Juan claimed was a "good luck charm for smooth sailing."
Brenda, meanwhile, decided to contribute by selling "Sphinx-Inspired Egyptian Lasagna," which was somehow stuffed with falafel and coated in hummus.

It was an abomination.

The Incident​

Business was… slow.

Cargo ships glided past us, captains staring in confusion at Juan, who stood on the shore, dramatically waving a plushie camel in the air.

"YOU NEED THIS FOR YOUR JOURNEY, CAPTAIN! CUDDLES FOR SAFE PASSAGE!"

Not a single ship stopped.

Then Juan, in his infinite wisdom, decided the problem was visibility.

“We need to make a bigger impact,” he mused.

I should have stopped him right there. I didn’t.

And that’s how, less than an hour later, Juan hijacked a small fishing boat, loaded it with plushies, and tried to sail into the canal to personally distribute them to passing ships.

What happened next?

  • Juan’s boat stalled in the middle of the canal.
  • A massive cargo ship had to swerve to avoid hitting him.
  • The ship wedged itself sideways in the canal.
  • Global trade came to a screeching halt.
We had single-handedly recreated the Ever Given crisis.

Brenda watched the chaos unfold, chewing on her horrific lasagna.

“Now that’s what I call a banger of a pinched log.”

Deportation (Again)​

Authorities weren’t thrilled.

Within minutes, armed Egyptian police swarmed our plushie stand, shouting angrily in Arabic.

Juan tried his usual trick—offering a plushie as a peace offering.

It did not work.

By nightfall, we were on a plane out of Egypt.

To where?

Nobody told us.

Juan, however, was unbothered.

As he reclined in his airplane seat, munching on the last of Brenda’s nightmare lasagna, he mused:

“You know… I hear Zimbabwe has a booming market for plushies.”

I stared at him.

I turned to Brenda.

Brenda just grinned.

Oh no.
 
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General Freedom’s Plushie Safari—Now in Zimbabwe​

We touched down in Harare, Zimbabwe, in yet another forced deportation.

By now, border agents worldwide were developing a shared Juan-and-Brenda awareness system. The moment we stepped off the plane, an exasperated Zimbabwean official took one look at Juan and sighed.

“No trouble,” he warned. “I don’t know why you’re here, but no trouble.”

Juan beamed. “My good sir, we are merely international entrepreneurs with a vision of prosperity and—”

Brenda cut him off. “Where can a girl get a beer?”

Juan’s Latest Scheme: The Plushie Safari Lodge​

By sheer luck (and Brenda bribing someone with a Tupperware of leftover falafel lasagna), we found a dilapidated roadside lodge.

Juan’s eyes lit up. “This… is it.”

“What?” I asked.

“The plushie safari experience,” he said dreamily. “Zimbabwe is full of majestic wildlife. But plushies? The world lacks plushie wildlife tourism!”

Brenda nodded. “Banger of a pinched log, honestly.”

I felt an immediate sense of doom.

The Grand Opening of Plushie Safari Lodge​

The next morning, Juan had transformed the rundown lodge into a full-fledged catastrophe.

  • The entrance sign now read: “GENERAL FREEDOM’S PLUSHIE SAFARI LODGE: Experience the Wild, Hug the Cuddly!”
  • Life-sized plush elephants, lions, and rhinos were scattered across the property.
  • A terrifying stuffed zebra stood by the bar, with button eyes that stared into my soul.
Worst of all? Juan was wearing a pith helmet and khaki shorts.

“Juan,” I said, rubbing my temples, “you look like an idiot.”

“Correction,” he replied, striking a heroic pose. “I look like a safari icon.”

Then he lifted a plush giraffe.

“I shall name him Diplomatic Relations.”

I was too tired to argue.

Plushie Disaster #482: The Wildlife Incident​

Against all odds, we got tourists.

A group of unsuspecting Europeans wandered in, looking for an actual safari experience. Juan, ever the salesman, convinced them that a plushie safari was the superior alternative.

“No risk! No danger! Just soft, lovable wildlife!”

Somehow, they paid for it.

Then things went south.

  • A real elephant wandered onto the property.
  • Brenda, slightly drunk, tried to befriend it with a lasagna offering.
  • The elephant was not a fan.
  • Chaos ensued.
Juan, screaming, attempted to distract it with plush elephants.

It didn’t work.

Within minutes, the lodge was in shambles, a stuffed rhino was impaled on a tree, and a European tourist was screaming in German.

Police arrived within the hour.

The Escape to Nowhere​

As the authorities arrived, Juan did what Juan does best.

He ran.

Brenda and I had no choice but to follow.

As we sprinted toward the nearest getaway option, Juan shouted over his shoulder:

“It’s time for Plan B!”

“What the hell is Plan B?!” I yelled back.

Juan pointed dramatically. “WE STEAL A TRAIN.”

I immediately regretted every life decision that had led me to this moment.

Brenda just grinned. “Now that’s a banger of a pinched locomotive.”
 
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The Plushie Express: Zimbabwe’s Fastest Disaster​

We barely had time to process the utter destruction of Juan’s Plushie Safari Lodge before we found ourselves sprinting toward a train yard under the cover of darkness.

“Juan, this is insane!” I hissed as he gleefully climbed onto the side of a rust-covered locomotive.

“Correction,” he said, flipping his pith helmet backward, “this is revolutionary.”

Brenda, panting behind me, took a sip from a bottle of off-brand Zimbabwean beer she had somehow acquired. “Banger of a pinched locomotive, honestly.”

I hated that her weird phrases were starting to sound normal.

Hijacking, Plushie Style​

Juan fumbled with the train’s controls, muttering things like “How hard can it be?” and “I played a train simulator once.”

The train jerked forward.

Brenda yelped and spilled her beer on the control panel. Sparks flew, but somehow, The Plushie Express was now in motion.

“See?” Juan grinned, ignoring every possible safety concern. “We’re officially train conductors!”

Brenda rummaged through her bag and pulled out a half-eaten lasagna square. She slapped it onto the control panel like an offering to the gods. “To new beginnings.”

I felt a migraine forming.

The Plushie Express Rolls Out​

The train chugged through the Zimbabwean countryside, gaining speed. The fact that none of us knew where the tracks led was a minor issue.

Juan, drunk on both power and delusion, leaned out of the train window and shouted into the night:

“THE PLUSHIES SHALL RIDE! TO GLORY! TO FREEDOM!”

Brenda, now eating the control-panel lasagna with her bare hands, nodded sagely. “To freedom.”

I slumped against the wall, resigned to my fate.

Trouble on the Tracks​

Somewhere around dawn, things took a turn.

  • We realized we were heading toward an active railway station.
  • Hargrave showed up.
  • The Zimbabwean police, who had clearly had enough of us, were waiting on the platform.
Juan, undaunted, stood proudly at the front of the train, holding up a plush lion like Simba in The Lion King. “We do not stop for tyrants!”

The train plowed through a fruit stand.

Brenda, wiping tomato off her face, simply said, “Banger of a derailment, honestly.”

The Grand Escape… Again​

Realizing that we were about to be arrested for grand theft locomotive, Juan pulled the emergency brake.

The Plushie Express screeched to a halt just as Hargrave and the police officers swarmed us.

“You idiots stole a train?!” Hargrave bellowed, climbing onto the engine.

Juan saluted him. “General Freedom reporting for duty, sir.”

Brenda shoved a plush zebra into Hargrave’s hands. “Bribery?”

Hargrave facepalmed so hard he nearly knocked himself unconscious.

Just as the police were about to cuff us, Juan had an idea.

“Wait!” he said. “What if… we go to Australia?”

Silence.

Hargrave sighed. “You know what? Fine. Let’s get you people as far away from here as possible.”

And just like that, we were deported.

Next Stop: The Land Down Under​

As we boarded the next plane out of Zimbabwe, Juan looked absolutely thrilled.

“Australia will be the perfect place for the Plushie Empire’s expansion!”

Brenda raised her beer. “Banger of a new continent.”

I just put my head in my hands.

This could only end badly.
 
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Just happened to see what Kanye is making his gf wear to the Grammy’s…. Holy shit. I can’t even post it here because she’s basically nude
 
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Plushies Down Under​

The second we landed in Australia, I felt a deep sense of dread.

For most people, a trip to Australia meant seeing the Sydney Opera House, snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef, or maybe even hugging a koala.

For us, it meant Juan declaring himself “The Kangaroo King” and Brenda setting up an illegal roadside lasagna stand within the first hour.

Meeting the Locals​

Juan, in his infinite wisdom, immediately attempted to ride a kangaroo.

“Juan, that is a wild animal,” I said, watching him approach a large, muscular marsupial with absolute confidence.

“It’s fine,” Juan said, holding out a plushie shaped like Steve Irwin. “We have mutual respect.”

The kangaroo punched him in the face and hopped away.

Brenda took a swig of something that definitely wasn’t legal in most countries and nodded sagely. “Banger of a boxing match.”

The First Australian Business Venture​

Brenda’s illegal lasagna stand—“Brenda’s Down Under Delight”—was set up next to a gas station in the middle of nowhere.

It took exactly ten minutes for a group of Australian truckers to show up, confused yet intrigued.

“What the hell is this?” one of them asked.

“Authentic Australian-Italian cuisine,” Brenda said proudly.

The trucker poked at a soggy, meat-filled square of lasagna. “What’s in this?”

Brenda winked. “Mate, some mysteries are best left unsolved.”

The truckers bought three trays.

Meanwhile, at the Outback Plushie Stand…​

Not to be outdone, Juan set up a plushie stand directly next to Brenda’s lasagna operation.

The products?

  • Koala plushies wearing cowboy hats
  • Plush crocodiles with tiny sunglasses
  • A very poorly made plush of Hugh Jackman that looked like it had survived a fire
One trucker picked up the Hugh Jackman plush and squinted at it. “What the hell am I looking at?”

Juan clapped him on the back. “That, my friend, is an investment in joy.”

The trucker slowly put it back down.

Enter Hargrave (Again)​

Just when things seemed too peaceful, Agent Hargrave materialized from the shadows like a government-issue Batman.

“I can’t believe I found you idiots,” he said.

Juan gasped. “Hargrave! Welcome to our thriving empire!”

Hargrave rubbed his temples. “You’re wanted for train theft, tax evasion, and illegal plushie trade in three different continents.”

Juan waved him off. “Old news. We’re Australians now.”

Hargrave sighed. “You are not Australians.”

Brenda shoved a beer into Hargrave’s hands. “Drink this and reconsider.”

He did.

The Next Bad Idea​

As the sun set, Juan leaned forward, eyes gleaming. “You know what this means, right?”

Brenda took a long sip. “Expansion.”

Hargrave groaned. “No. No expansion.”

But it was too late. Juan had already pulled out a poorly drawn map of the Australian Outback.

“We’re taking the plushie empire to the heart of the Outback!”

Brenda raised her drink. “Banger of a business decision.”

I buried my face in my hands.

Next Stop: The Middle of Nowhere​

With no plan, no money, and no sense of self-preservation, the Plushie Empire was heading into the Outback.

Hargrave reluctantly came along.

I was 99% sure this was going to end with someone getting arrested or eaten by a crocodile.

Either way, it was happening.
 
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Plushies in the Outback​

I’d been to some godforsaken places with Juan and Brenda before, but nothing compared to the Australian Outback.

No roads.
No signs of civilization.
Just endless red sand, heat waves, and the occasional emu staring at us like it was sizing us up for a fight.

And for some ungodly reason, Juan and Brenda were thriving.

Brenda Goes Full Aussie​

Brenda had absorbed Australian culture at an alarming rate. She wore a cork hat, carried a boomerang she had no idea how to use, and had adopted an accent so thick it sounded fake.

“Oi, ya drongo! Pass me that esky, I’m parched!” she barked at me.

I blinked. “What?”

She gestured at a cooler. “The bloody esky! Chuck us a bevvy before I kark it in this heat.”

Juan, who had also gotten into the spirit, nodded. “Yeah, mate, Brenda’s as dry as a dead dingo’s donger.”

Hargrave choked on his water. “Never say that again.”

The First Outback Plushie Stand​

Despite the fact that there were literally no customers, Juan set up a plushie stand right there in the middle of the desert.

The theme? Outback Adventure Plushies.

The product lineup included:

  • A plush kangaroo that looked like it had seen war
  • A plush Steve Irwin, complete with a tiny plush stingray (bad taste, but Juan insisted)
  • A plush emu labeled ‘Government Drone’
A dust storm kicked up around us, and still, Juan sat behind his stand, waiting for customers.

Hargrave sighed. “There’s no one here.”

Juan waved him off. “They’ll come.”

Brenda slapped a mosquito off her neck. “Fair dinkum, it’s hotter than a shearer’s armpit out here.”

I turned to Hargrave. “Are we actually watching them lose their minds in real-time?”

The Emu War, Part Two​

Not long after we set up camp, a group of emus emerged from the distance.

At first, we thought nothing of it.

Then they started charging.

“Oi, we got a full-blown emu ambush!” Brenda yelled, tossing a can of beer at the incoming horde.

Hargrave grabbed his phone. “Are we being attacked by birds?”

Juan, completely unfazed, picked up a plushie and tried to use it to reason with them. “Brothers, I come in peace.”

The lead emu dropkicked him into the sand.

Brenda howled with laughter. “That’s a bloody ripper of a hit! The bloke went arse over tit!”

Juan groaned, face-down in the dirt. “Plushies have failed me.”

Escape Plan: New Zealand?​

After the Emu Incident, Hargrave put his foot down.

“This is over. I’m done. We’re leaving the Outback before you all get mauled by some other wildlife,” he said.

Brenda huffed. “Ah, ya flamin’ galah! We were just getting started!”

Juan sat up, rubbing his face. “Maybe we should pivot. A new market.”

Brenda’s eyes lit up. “New Zealand!”

Hargrave shook his head. “Oh, hell no—”

Juan clapped his hands together. “New Zealand plushie empire, here we come!”

Brenda punched the air. “Banger of a business move, mate!”

And just like that, we were heading to New Zealand.

God help us all.
 
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