AlphaLackey
Registered User
(Deep in the head offices of KACL 780 AM talk radio…)
“Look, Tom, I’m telling you, there’s nothing to worry about -- this is the perfect time for us to experiment with expanding our format. Sports is very popular these days, and it’s not like I’m saying to turn this into a.. salsa music station or something”
“Yeah, I know that.. but.. I mean.. have you looked at the lineup?!”
“Relax, Tom. Everyone and I do mean everyone in Winnipeg, like all ten thousand of them or whatever, are going to be listening to their football team playing some playoff game. So we have a perfect window for this experiment. In fact, I see the the show’s kicking off now, let’s tune in and you’ll see what I mean!”
“Hello, Seattle hockey fans. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, and I’m.. err, you’re listening to a first here on KACL 780 talk radio, as we kick off the pregame show as the *ruffles paper*… Winnipeg Jets..? are here in town to take on our brand new hockey team, the Seattle Kraken!”
“Ironic, as I should be at the game crackin’ open a bottle of ’61 Chateau Haut Brion right now!”
“.. and with me is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, whose unrealistic expectations of what concessions are served at sports events might just cause him to have a rough time at tonight’s game.”
“Not as rough a time as you had when we first went to go watch a hockey game.”
“I still don’t know why the whole auditorium started booing me; I thought I did an excellent job catching that puck that got thrown over the boards.”
“Perhaps it had something to do with that little girl in the seat ahead of you, who came very close to catching it herself?”
“Oh come, Niles, it’s not like I jostled her or her crutches; the fact is, despite their low center of gravity, children slip on concrete all the time! Furthermore, if I hadn’t caught that puck, why, we wouldn’t be here to further the great tradition of intellectualism in sports broadcasting today! Men like.. Howard Cosell, and.. Dennis Miller, and…”
“…. and ….”
“Niles! Remember on Saturday mornings, when Dad would sit with Eddie by the TV and watch that wrestling broadcast he loved.. and throughout all that trite morality play, there was that large Italian broadcaster named.. Gorilla Monsoon, I believe it was.. and remember how provided us our first anatomy lessons?”
“Medial collateral ligament!”
“Anterior cruciate ligament!”
(together) “External occipital protuberance!”
“Oh, such halcyon days.. but we mustn’t get soggy with nostalgia, we’re about to introduce our special guests who will be discussing the upcoming game with us: two gentlemen from a local.. internet collective of hockey fans, that go by the names Alpha Lackey and Kanadalainen.”
“I assume that it’s because they’re appearing on our show, that their names have been changed to protect their identity?”
“Come now, Niles, don’t listen to what Boomer’s screaming into your headset, I think we’re doing an exceptional job. And in fact, I have been told that they’ll fit right in here, save for their occasional wasted time about whether Gilbert or Shakespeare was the greater English wit. What a silly thing to argue about!”
“Oh, I couldn’t agree more, especially since everyone knows Gilbert is the greater wit!”
“Surely not, Niles! I mean, think of all the many ways in which one quotes Shakespeare, and it’s not like you can just.. go around quoting Gilbert all willy-nilly!”
“Your notions, though many, are not worth a penny.”
*exasperated sigh*
(quietly) "...he little thinks how eloquently he has pleaded his rival's cause!"
“Enough, Niles! Look, I’m just saying, that if you’re an actor, you should be aspiring to do great works of drama, not.. not.. performing some silly comedic nonsense just because it’s popular!”
“Oh, is that right, SIDESHOW BOB?”
*gasp* “Your mother!”
“She’s your mother too!”
“Have at thee, blagg..”
