OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[Boris Zubov]

We have become a strange society where more and more people are choosing just to be alone. I do not think they want to be alone. Maybe they just do not think the dating process is worth it. I think the internet plays a role. As do other factors.

Online dating was bad enough, but the apps really took it to another level. Now you have two-three generations in the dating pool with seriously out of whack, unrealistic, shallow expectations.

There's days I wish I was single, but then reality smacks me in the face. I have a beautiful girlfriend who is a great person...plus the prospect of meeting someone in this dating climate is not something I'm interested in undertaking. I think I'd rather be alone than play those games.

 

[Machinehead]

This. A few years ago I moved out of Midwood (probably just as hard of an area to meet women as Bay Ridge) to Downtown Brooklyn. Literally just ask any woman at a bar “hey what book are you reading” even though it says right on the cover, and you’re good. Is the bar doing trivia? Go ask some random group if you can join their team. That’s what I do and it’s the easiest icebreakers in the world.

Hell yeah, you live in Liberty Country!

 

[NickyFotiu]

Online dating was bad enough, but the apps really took it to another level. Now you have two-three generations in the dating pool with seriously out of whack, unrealistic, shallow expectations.

There's days I wish I was single, but then reality smacks me in the face. I have a beautiful girlfriend who is a great person...plus the prospect of meeting someone in this dating climate is not something I'm interested in undertaking. I think I'd rather be alone than play those games.

If you already have that then you are way ahead of most. Glad to hear that you appreciate her.

 

[GoAwayPanarin]

This. A few years ago I moved out of Midwood (probably just as hard of an area to meet women as Bay Ridge) to Downtown Brooklyn. Literally just ask any woman at a bar “hey what book are you reading” even though it says right on the cover, and you’re good. Is the bar doing trivia? Go ask some random group if you can join their team. That’s what I do and it’s the easiest icebreakers in the world.

Exaaacctly.

We moved to Brooklyn Heights in late September from Carroll Gardens (not astronomically far) and heard horror stories about how tough it was to make friends in the area (especially in comparison to CG where the people are genuinely lovely.)

We already have a trivia group (if you're into trivia in DTB - I highly recommend sound and fury... Hell I recommend sound and fury in general that place is awesome) and we've made friends with soon to to be parents in the area as we're expecting our first this Friday. For dating, the same rules pretty much apply.

A little effort goes a long way.

@Machinehead if Liberty Country is Barclays thats in Park Slope and will fight anyone who says otherwise LOL.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Exaaacctly.

We moved to Brooklyn Heights in late September from Carroll Gardens (not astronomically far) and heard horror stories about how tough it was to make friends in the area (especially in comparison to CG where the people are genuinely lovely.)

We already have a trivia group (if you're into trivia in DTB - I highly recommend sound and fury... Hell I recommend sound and fury in general that place is awesome) and we've made friends with soon to to be parents in the area as we're expecting our first this Friday. For dating, the same rules pretty much apply.

A little effort goes a long way.

@Machinehead if Liberty Country is Barclays thats in Park Slope and will fight anyone who says otherwise LOL.

I do think a lot of people underestimate how difficult dating is for some people. I've always been one of those people. I haven't really dated until I met my wife at 36. The stereotype of some incel was not true of me. I wasn't some big fat loser (though I was a small fat loser for a while, lol). I'm a bit quirky as you can tell my posting habits but I'm actually pretty socially adept. I just had an incredible anxiety over talking to women. Plus being 5'4 didn't help. In general my whole life I got feedback about how likeable I was. But also I think some people thought I was an entertaining clown at times and even if they didn't think that I was always liked platonically. So if a place isn't the easiest to find someone it makes it all the more difficult for someone who is super anxious in dating. Just another obstacle.

 

[GoAwayPanarin]

I do think a lot of people underestimate how difficult dating is for some people. I've always been one of those people. I haven't really dated until I met my wife at 36. The stereotype of some incel was not true of me. I wasn't some big fat loser (though I was a small fat loser for a while, lol). I'm a bit quirky as you can tell my posting habits but I'm actually pretty socially adept. I just had an incredible anxiety over talking to women. Plus being 5'4 didn't help. In general my whole life I got feedback about how likeable I was. But also I think some people thought I was an entertaining clown at times and even if they didn't think that I was always liked platonically. So if a place isn't the easiest to find someone it makes it all the more difficult for someone who is super anxious in dating. Just another obstacle.

You've always been one of my favorite diatribe prone short kings.

To be honest though, you would have probably run into those obstacles no matter where you were. If you yourself know how anxious you were, I can almost guarantee that you exuded those same things to people you were dating. Comfort is paramount in a relationship (or even in the early dating stage) and if you aren't comfortable, theres now way the people you're dating are going to be comfortable.

It doesn't make you (or anyone else feeling this way) a bad person or undatable or doomed for life - It just means that theres other shit that you all have to get sorted before really being out on the "market."

Plus you did the work and got through it all. You're a success story! I wouldn't put the past on anyone else though. I mean sure you probably went on a few dates with some real snob goblins but they happen to all of us.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

You've always been one of my favorite diatribe prone short kings.

To be honest though, you would have probably run into those obstacles no matter where you were. If you yourself know how anxious you were, I can almost guarantee that you exuded those same things to people you were dating. Comfort is paramount in a relationship (or even in the early dating stage) and if you aren't comfortable, theres now way the people you're dating are going to be comfortable.

It doesn't make you (or anyone else feeling this way) a bad person or undatable or doomed for life - It just means that theres other shit that you all have to get sorted before really being out on the "market."

Plus you did the work and got through it all. You're a success story! I wouldn't put the past on anyone else though. I mean sure you probably went on a few dates with some real snob goblins but they happen to all of us.

Thanks for this! I thought I was suave on my date and my wife tells me she thought I was really nervous.

This reminds me how in business school I would have interviews where I felt super comfortable and they gave feedback about how nervous I was.

 

[PANARIN BREAD FAN]

Three Dog Night, isn’t that the guy who claimed he split his dong in half due to too much Groupie sex

oh yeah. that singer talking about that on the howard stern show. split and blood bursting while inside a beauty pageant contestant.

 

[Ben Grimm]

Always be kind. You'll be paid back seven-fold. If your wife is pregnant, asks for a gyros, you miss your turn, go back and get it. Otherwise, you'll be hearing about it for the next thirty years.

 

[Ben Grimm]

Before I met my wife I took classes in Magic Mike style dancing. My body rolls helped me get more dates.

 

[TopShelfSnipes]

We have become a strange society where more and more people are choosing just to be alone. I do not think they want to be alone. Maybe they just do not think the dating process is worth it. I think the internet plays a role. As do other factors.

They are afraid of rejection because they were not taught how to be resilient and do not understand proper risk-reward calculations in social settings.

Leaving with what you came with (nothing) is seen as a "humiliation" instead of popping up to second base and going back to the dugout to wait your next turn at bat. Rejections aren't just an indicator of non-interest or incompatibility, but are seen as a referendum on one's sexuality on the whole. This is why some men are choosing to be alone.

Women are inundated with creepy guys bragging about their dick and sex, who go on awkward dates with them and then text them desperate thirsty messages later (sometimes for months if the women don't block him). Granted, this is a small minority of men, but when she finally rejects him they insult her or beg for another chance. Or, alternatively, they hit it off with some guy and half the time, he doesn't want to commit to a relationship because he wants to get boyfriend/girlfriend treatment while he continues to date in hopes of doing better (this last part remains unspoken), and the women intuit this and don't like it. This is why some women are choosing to be alone.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

They are afraid of rejection because they were not taught how to be resilient and do not understand proper risk-reward calculations in social settings.

Leaving with what you came with (nothing) is seen as a "humiliation" instead of popping up to second base and going back to the dugout to wait your next turn at bat. Rejections aren't just an indicator of non-interest or incompatibility, but are seen as a referendum on one's sexuality on the whole. This is why some men are choosing to be alone.

Women are inundated with creepy guys bragging about their dick and sex, who go on awkward dates with them and then text them desperate thirsty messages later (sometimes for months if the women don't block him). Granted, this is a small minority of men, but when she finally rejects him they insult her or beg for another chance. Or, alternatively, they hit it off with some guy and half the time, he doesn't want to commit to a relationship because he wants to get boyfriend/girlfriend treatment while he continues to date in hopes of doing better (this last part remains unspoken), and the women intuit this and don't like it. This is why some women are choosing to be alone.

Seems like an amazingly biased take that is just another version of men bad, women good.

 

[TopShelfSnipes]

Seems like an amazingly biased take that is just another version of men bad, women good.

Confident normal guys are still getting what they want in sex and relationships.
Confident creeps are getting initial attention, then pissing women off and blowing any shot she was willing to give him.

Guys that are scared of rejection are sitting around hoping women will talk to them. If they're really attractive, they might get that, but most aren't. They are increasingly frustrated and turning to online, and when told of this flaw in their approach often double down on what's not working. The men in this category who internalize the advice given and make improvements see better results given time and practice.

Most women are drowning in attention, much of it unwanted. If she's going to give someone a shot because she decides she wants to date, it's not going to be someone who's not even on her radar because he hasn't even made his existence in the world known to her.

The worst thing you can be in dating is spineless. The second worst thing you can be is awkward. The third worst thing you can be is boring.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Confident normal guys are still getting what they want in sex and relationships.
Confident creeps are getting initial attention, then pissing women off and blowing any shot she was willing to give him.

Guys that are scared of rejection are sitting around hoping women will talk to them. If they're really attractive, they might get that, but most aren't. They are increasingly frustrated and turning to online, and when told of this flaw in their approach often double down on what's not working. The men in this category who internalize the advice given and make improvements see better results given time and practice.

Most women are drowning in attention, much of it unwanted. If she's going to give someone a shot because she decides she wants to date, it's not going to be someone who's not even on her radar because he hasn't even made his existence in the world known to her.

The worst thing you can be in dating is spineless. The second worst thing you can be is awkward. The third worst thing you can be is boring.

It's funny I spent my whole dating life being spineless complaining I wasn't getting dates even though I wasn't particularly awkward and definitely wasn't boring.