And what happened when you told her this?
Well, it was more in line with appreciation and thanks rather than returning the sentiment, but I'm sure she feels the same way.
OT: Relationship Advice Thread
- Thread starter LokiDog
- Start date
Well, it was more in line with appreciation and thanks rather than returning the sentiment, but I'm sure she feels the same way.
My friend just told me that it's really weird that I haven't met up with this girl yet since I've been talking to her for a a while (a couple of months). Like, even with Covid. He said she's stringing me along and is either lonely or has some other guy. He said she would have made time to see me. He's a lot less scared about Covid than some people, I think. But maybe he's right, I'm kind of bummed.
Harbour Dog
Registered User
I haven't got much experience with online dating, much less during a pandemic, but honestly, this was my first thought as well.
Only you would have the feel for how your conversations have gone, but if you have been talking for a couple months and are still firmly planted in the friend zone, then it is very possible that she just enjoys the attention.
I have a buddy who tends to attract women like that, because he showers them with attention and praise. But for romance to bloom, you can't deny their faults, you have to like them in spite of them.
Hopefully this girl hasn't been stringing you along, but I think that you're the person who has to answer that.
I don't know, I can't really tell. I'm not showering her with praise and the only attention I give her seems mutual. It's not like I'm messaging her and it's a one-sided conversation, she seems very engaged. That's the thing it's not one of those examples where I'm messaging her and she either seems disinterested or only talks about herself. She's said certain things about me thinking she's risk-averse when it comes to Covid and her thinking I wasn't (these were at separate times) that makes me think it may be Covid. But at the same time it's not like everyone stopped dating. How scared could she be? I guess everyone is different.
My other friend suggests I just straight up ask her if it's due to Covid. I want to do it without appearing desperate.
Harbour Dog
Registered User
That does certainly make it sound like Covid is a big factor for her.
Asking her outright would certainly be the best air-clearer. And if it is Covid, then getting her to say that out loud (or in writing) would make it an easier topic to breach in the future, as you guys near an in-person date.
I will say though, that by this point I would have expected her to have already brought up her reservations about physical dates in the pandemic. Especially if she had concerns about you maybe slipping through her fingers.
I've only had relationships with girls that I've met through friends though. I'm not well-versed in online dating etiquette.
She did, the first time I asked and I think there second time too (I remember her saying in few weeks, I don't remember if she flat out said it was Covid). So maybe I'm just panicking due to one person's opinion.
The last time she didn't.
Harbour Dog
Registered User
Sounds like you may be over-thinking a bit, yeah. It would probably help put your mind a bit at ease if you could get her to just outright say that it is because of Covid.
And I'm sure she would appreciate the blunt honesty that it would take for you to ask her about it directly. It would probably lead to an even more comfortable rapport than you already have!
I guess it is a little bit weird to me since I used to be terrified of Covid and still am but I haven't stopped living life. How scared could you be of meeting one person?
It’s nearly August. Everything but indoor dining and gyms is open. It isn’t covid. I’m not trying to be a jerk, I wish I could read this situation any differently, but unless you think this girl is literally living more strictly than the NHL bubbles, she’s seen friends, she’s been out to the stores and shopping, she’s done outdoor dining. There is absolutely nothing stopping her from meeting you and taking a walk in a park. You could literally walk side by side while 4-6 feet apart and still get to meet in person. The stereotype of the one sided conversation and the girl not being engaged is misleading. Girls will very much engage, they will even initiate - and flirt - when they have someone who is always available and makes them feel good, whom they don’t need to give anything to. Whether it’s out of boredom, loneliness, to boost self esteem, to fill a conversation void that someone else isn’t filling.
Again, I’m not trying to be an ass, at all... but the odds that this is Covid related are very low. If you can sit at an outdoor dining table, surrounded by perfect strangers not wearing masks, and let a stranger in a mask come and take your order and bring you food and drinks that they touch, you can sit 5 feet across the table from someone you actually want to meet. Or you can go to a park and walk around while keeping a safe distance (6 feet isn’t exactly far apart, it’s less than one car length). Museums and stuff are open. You could literally both wear a mask and go to a museum.
Also when you described telling her how you felt, that her response was appreciating you saying that and thanking you, rather than returning the sentiment... that’s a pretty big indicator. When you tell someone I really like you, or I’m finding myself attracted to you and they say thanks, rather than I’m feeling the same way about you... that’s a gut check. I can’t stress enough I’m really not saying any of this to hurt you, or discourage you even. I just think it’s worse to sugar coat it. You should just ask her out right, how she feels about you.
Again, I’m not trying to be an ass, at all... but the odds that this is Covid related are very low. If you can sit at an outdoor dining table, surrounded by perfect strangers not wearing masks, and let a stranger in a mask come and take your order and bring you food and drinks that they touch, you can sit 5 feet across the table from someone you actually want to meet. Or you can go to a park and walk around while keeping a safe distance (6 feet isn’t exactly far apart, it’s less than one car length). Museums and stuff are open. You could literally both wear a mask and go to a museum.
Also when you described telling her how you felt, that her response was appreciating you saying that and thanking you, rather than returning the sentiment... that’s a pretty big indicator. When you tell someone I really like you, or I’m finding myself attracted to you and they say thanks, rather than I’m feeling the same way about you... that’s a gut check. I can’t stress enough I’m really not saying any of this to hurt you, or discourage you even. I just think it’s worse to sugar coat it. You should just ask her out right, how she feels about you.
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The worry about appearing desperate is also unfounded. There’s nothing desperate about saying “you know, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you these couple of months and I’d really like to take you on a date”. That’s not desperate, that’s assertive. If she stalls and says in a few weeks or whatever, just say “fair enough, but may I ask, is that due to Covid, or is that because I called it a date?”
You deserve to know her intentions and not be strung along. There’s nothing desperate about that.
You deserve to know her intentions and not be strung along. There’s nothing desperate about that.
Well, she's SAID it's Covid. I can ask her if it's Covid, though she's said it was so I wonder if it's necessary. Finally, this is minor but girls not being engaged is something that DOES happen.
I never said it doesn’t. I said that engagement isn’t a sign of mutual attraction. You mentioned that she said it was Covid quite a while back. Then a second time suggested a few more weeks. Then a third time made no specific mention but was still not willing to meet. While I understand that she did originally say it was Covid, we’re going back what, 6 weeks now? More? Meeting someone you’d only recently begun talking to and may not be sure they’re worth it, back at the beginning of June vs meeting someone you’ve been talking to for months now at the end of July have different implications. Either way, it seems to weigh on you, and there are ways to be direct while still being charming and not seeming desperate. I would side with the friend who says you should ask her. “So when are you going to let me take you on a date?”
It doesn’t have to be “is the reason you don’t want to meet up because you’re not interested in me, or is it just Covid”. That’s an awkward question that does seem desperate. Don’t worry about specifically asking if it’s Covid, just ask her when you can take her on a date. Being explicit about the fact that it’s a date kills two birds with one stone. It shows that you have a romantic interest and it gives her an opportunity to either say no to a date, or say yes to a date and let her pick the time.
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I'll ask her tonight.
I'll say something like "we've been talking for a while now, is the reason you've been opting for video calls over meeting in person concerns over Covid or something else?"
I'll say something like "we've been talking for a while now, is the reason you've been opting for video calls over meeting in person concerns over Covid or something else?"
Well, I believe the second time she also said it was Covid.
The thing is if it IS Covid I don't want to pressure her. I don't think that's fair. And I think if I don't mention Covid and just ask "when will you let me take you out on a date?" it might be taken as every other time I asked that question.
Have you explicitly asked for a date, or have you casually asked for a get together? It feels like you would benefit from some clarity, but if you don’t want her to feel pressured, you’ll have to find a way to guide the conversation in a more flirtatious direction and get her to actually give you some impression that she sees potential romance there.
I don’t get a good vibe from you expressing your feelings to her and she thanking you. That’s rarely a good sign in the dating world but I don’t know this girl and if she’s a mild mannered, shy person it could just be that that’s how she reacts to being complimented. If that’s the case though, I wouldn’t be too averse to leaning into it a bit. You can ask when you get to take her on a date without making it feel urgent. Something along the lines of, oh, I don’t care when it is, I just wanted to make sure I get to take you out, I really like you.
Of course, if you’re comfortable, do you. Ultimately my advice from day one was be yourself, so if patience is the path you choose, own it and don’t listen to me or your friend or anyone else. Only you know your conversations with this girl. But it seems like the uncertainty is something you’d like to do away with, so perhaps just mindfully try and steer a discussion in that direction or look for an opening to get yourself some clarity.
I don’t get a good vibe from you expressing your feelings to her and she thanking you. That’s rarely a good sign in the dating world but I don’t know this girl and if she’s a mild mannered, shy person it could just be that that’s how she reacts to being complimented. If that’s the case though, I wouldn’t be too averse to leaning into it a bit. You can ask when you get to take her on a date without making it feel urgent. Something along the lines of, oh, I don’t care when it is, I just wanted to make sure I get to take you out, I really like you.
Of course, if you’re comfortable, do you. Ultimately my advice from day one was be yourself, so if patience is the path you choose, own it and don’t listen to me or your friend or anyone else. Only you know your conversations with this girl. But it seems like the uncertainty is something you’d like to do away with, so perhaps just mindfully try and steer a discussion in that direction or look for an opening to get yourself some clarity.
I casually asked to get together. I mean I figured it was six of one, half a dozen of the other. I thought it was obvious, we didn't meet at work, it was bumble. And the other day when I wanted to move a houseparty call, she joked about "you have another phone date?" So she seems to think it's a date, even the virtual calls.
Boris Zubov
No relation to Sergei, Joe
I agree with Loki & was going to post something similar before he did. Reading your posts about this girl, I got "friend zone" vibes immediately. Especially after you keep making it clear how you feel & this most recent time you received "thank you" in return. That's not a good sign.
I guess because I'm older I've grown more direct, but I'm also way past the point of beating around the bush or having someone string me along because they are afraid to hurt my feelings. I also wouldn't want a female "friend" at this stage of the game.
The longer you keep up the online thing, the less likely this will blossom into something romantic. In the near future, you would be wise to just ask her out & if she hedges or keeps using Covid as her answer, you pretty much know where you stand.
I guess because I'm older I've grown more direct, but I'm also way past the point of beating around the bush or having someone string me along because they are afraid to hurt my feelings. I also wouldn't want a female "friend" at this stage of the game.
The longer you keep up the online thing, the less likely this will blossom into something romantic. In the near future, you would be wise to just ask her out & if she hedges or keeps using Covid as her answer, you pretty much know where you stand.
HFsNumber1Heel
FKA Roo Returns...Still A Contrarian Apparently
@SnowblindNYR first before I start, Black Sabbath rocks! Hopefully that makes you smile. And check out Mac Sabbath for a laugh (trust me you will not be disappointed!).
Ok so in an effort not to keep layering what people have just said or to contradict my comments from a week and a half ago; you are doing a great job. You're building rapport and chemistry which is awesome. You're getting to know someone under unique conditions. And you're not sending pics of your anatomy to her (this is a real thing; my friend I met when I briefly tried dating apps four years ago told me she appreciated me not sending her any when like a dozen guys did...I can only shrug).
Ultimately, what do you want out of this short term, long term, and for the rest of the summer? If you're cool letting it go until the fall when work might be a little busier (stage 5, 6, of reopening) awesome. But if you really like her now and want it to progress, or just want resolution because you have 7 weeks of summer to "rebuild the farm system and acquire prospects" that's cool as well. Neither is wrong.
You seem to be really into your job and serious with your career. If things will get crazier, maybe now is the time for resolution.
And this is the part where I want you, anyone else on this board who will read this to call me out and tell me this next part is total BS and I'm just a bitter and jaded person. @Loki Dog 74 @Boris Zubov @Riche16 go for it.
Is she texting you back? Like do you always initiate or does she randomly say what's up, share memes, etc.? That's a tell tale sign right there.
From my experience, when I say my piece to a girl, usually (if not always) when I say I like them, it's toasted. Like the cat is out of the bag and there is no more mystique or uncertainty. I can think of maybe one case where I'm still "friends" with a girl after I said I like her and she's socially a little off. She's very successful and enjoys when guys chase her, but even as recently as last week she's sending me pics of her kid. I stay cordial with her but I know I will never see her again and and it's like "dude, what's the point of you sending me pics?" I keep her as a "professional contact" because she knows a lot of people in data but I will never initiate texts.
Also, and I have a feeling Loki will not like this from what he's said in posts. To me 99/100 dating is submarine warfare it's Horatio Hornblower or the Enterprise vs. the Reliant from Wrath of Khan. Tricks, strategize, who has the upper hand? If you tell her you like her and want to go on a date, she may "have the upper hand" and power and therefore lose attraction or interest.
I don't want to speak about my own situation because there is nothing new to report, and I still have my daily struggles and thoughts and it's busy season at work for me despite being the summer, but I have a friend who just broke up with his g/f he still cares about her and has reached out trying to get back together. His best bet after she has not been cool and is very cold to the idea, is to take a few steps back and not pursue. She has the upper hand power wise and wants to be left alone. His best bet is to either lay low and wait for her to miss him, or get over it and move on.
Ok so in an effort not to keep layering what people have just said or to contradict my comments from a week and a half ago; you are doing a great job. You're building rapport and chemistry which is awesome. You're getting to know someone under unique conditions. And you're not sending pics of your anatomy to her (this is a real thing; my friend I met when I briefly tried dating apps four years ago told me she appreciated me not sending her any when like a dozen guys did...I can only shrug).
Ultimately, what do you want out of this short term, long term, and for the rest of the summer? If you're cool letting it go until the fall when work might be a little busier (stage 5, 6, of reopening) awesome. But if you really like her now and want it to progress, or just want resolution because you have 7 weeks of summer to "rebuild the farm system and acquire prospects" that's cool as well. Neither is wrong.
You seem to be really into your job and serious with your career. If things will get crazier, maybe now is the time for resolution.
And this is the part where I want you, anyone else on this board who will read this to call me out and tell me this next part is total BS and I'm just a bitter and jaded person. @Loki Dog 74 @Boris Zubov @Riche16 go for it.
Is she texting you back? Like do you always initiate or does she randomly say what's up, share memes, etc.? That's a tell tale sign right there.
From my experience, when I say my piece to a girl, usually (if not always) when I say I like them, it's toasted. Like the cat is out of the bag and there is no more mystique or uncertainty. I can think of maybe one case where I'm still "friends" with a girl after I said I like her and she's socially a little off. She's very successful and enjoys when guys chase her, but even as recently as last week she's sending me pics of her kid. I stay cordial with her but I know I will never see her again and and it's like "dude, what's the point of you sending me pics?" I keep her as a "professional contact" because she knows a lot of people in data but I will never initiate texts.
Also, and I have a feeling Loki will not like this from what he's said in posts. To me 99/100 dating is submarine warfare it's Horatio Hornblower or the Enterprise vs. the Reliant from Wrath of Khan. Tricks, strategize, who has the upper hand? If you tell her you like her and want to go on a date, she may "have the upper hand" and power and therefore lose attraction or interest.
I don't want to speak about my own situation because there is nothing new to report, and I still have my daily struggles and thoughts and it's busy season at work for me despite being the summer, but I have a friend who just broke up with his g/f he still cares about her and has reached out trying to get back together. His best bet after she has not been cool and is very cold to the idea, is to take a few steps back and not pursue. She has the upper hand power wise and wants to be left alone. His best bet is to either lay low and wait for her to miss him, or get over it and move on.
Thanks for the kind words. She always texts me back but doesn't really initiate. I'm actually talking to her right now and she said she used to be more risk averse but is less so now. So I asked if that bodes well for an in person date in there near future. Waiting for her response as we speak.
HFsNumber1Heel
FKA Roo Returns...Still A Contrarian Apparently
May the wind be at your back and luck be on your side.
May you and this girl get to hang for 30 years, and may this covid thing be over so I can take my damn trip to my friend's state which is not doing well, and her and I can hang out for the next 30 years.
Thanks and good luck. I was a little taken aback at her response taking 40 minutes. Normally that's normal but she responds right away and was doing so until I asked that question and her response was "Maybe!" So somewhat enthusiastic but noncommittal. We'll see I'm not giving up or anything but I have yup be ready that this is fool's gold.
Boris Zubov
No relation to Sergei, Joe
That's not very optimistic. It's not dead yet, but I'd say it's on life support.
I'd lay low for a few days & keep radio silent. Try to let her chase after you a little bit. If she doesn't reach out, she's just not feeling it like you are. No shame in that, but there's no reason to keep wasting time.
Keep your chin up. Remember it's her loss....and someone better could be just around the corner..or just a few swipes away.
I've been told "it's her loss" quite a bit. At some point maybe I'm the problem.
Boris Zubov
No relation to Sergei, Joe
You're not the problem my brother. Sometimes we just have to re-evaluate certain things.
One piece of advice I'll give you is this. One thing that really stood out to me while reading your pursuit of this chick was you mentioned you felt like you were walking on eggshells while trying to get to know her. If that was case with this girl, you were too concerned about impressing her & worried about being who you thought she wanted you to be, instead of just being yourself. It's fine to want to leave a good impression, but when it takes away from your true self standing out, you come off as insecure & insincere.
Sometimes all it takes is some fine tuning & a little attitude adjustment. Confidence is key, but always be yourself.
