OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[HFsNumber1Heel]

I thought I wanted to be a dad til I got into my late 20s, early 30s. That's when my friends started having kids & I witnessed what it did to their relationships. I'm glad I realized it wasn't for me, because it was hard enough to maintain a functioning relationship with women without the child element present.

The thing I've seen with so many couples with kids is when one partner (usually the mom) forgets she was actually an individual before marriage & kids. They completely give up on the concept of self & her only reason for existence is her husband & kids. Men can only stand so much of that before they want to run for the hills. A good couples counselor would hopefully relay to your wife that she needs to have somewhat of a life independent of you & your son.

Women in general have a hard time making friends, because most of them are catty & superficial. (no offense to our female members). My GF doesn't have a lot of girlfriends because she's not your typical girly girl on the inside...she prefers watching sports to shopping or gossip. Her lack of female friends has been an issue with us in the past because she was overly reliant on me to be her entire support system. She used to get "jealous" that I was out playing golf or having a few beers with the guys without taking her along. But we've talked through it & reached a common ground for the most part. She's made more of an effort to be more social with coworkers, attending more female functions, going to yoga etc.

The last part about the way she acts around your son, I am unqualified to comment. Doesn't sound healthy, so I hope you can find a resolution.

Haha my female friend who I've mentioned here I want to visit and is in a bad covid state now, we both turn into Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet making fun of all these couples we know who go full cult when they get married and have kids.

You got bills and responsibilities I get it but you don't have to disappear from society for years at a time. There are ways around it even occasionally.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

This is great news for me since this new girl I'm talking to lives in the city and I figured I'd have to take expensive Ubers to see her.

Is the Subway Risky? It May Be Safer Than You Think

 

[NYSPORTS]

Some woman from Russia i never met says she likes me and is willing to hide in my basement until i get her a Green Card.

 

[New York RKY]

Some woman from Russia i never met says she likes me and is willing to hide in my basement until i get her a Green Card.

What are you gonna tell the other girl you already have locked up down there?

 

[NYSPORTS]

What are you gonna tell the other girl you already have locked up down there?

idk, but she keep speaking to a guy named snowstorm but won’t meet him. Must be Covid.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

So I'm back in this thread. I took a break because I felt like at least with one poster it was used as a way to vent his frustrations about my anti-Lundqvist posting habits. Anyway, I went back to the matchmaking well and did 2 zoom call dates with this girl. I really liked her and thought we were clicking but I got rejected yesterday. I considered ending the service and recouping some of the money but in the end, I think the only thing worse than getting rejected by 13 girls is being rejected by 11 girls and quitting.

 

[Hi ImHFNYR]

So I'm back in this thread. I took a break because I felt like at least with one poster it was used as a way to vent his frustrations about my anti-Lundqvist posting habits.

You brought up the NYR G, unprompted, in the discussion we had. Because a small part of the overall discussion involved me saying you MIGHT potentially have some personality flaws bc you have a history of questionable behavior here.

Personality flaws YOU further highlighted when you admitted you wanted to hide your height (dishonesty by omission... that I empathized with btw before explaining why it was bad for you to do). It was also highlighted bc you said you were upset you weren't responded to in less than a day (which is something else I empathized with. Then I ended up advising you to not sweat it bc you don't want to waste time chasing someone you barely know.)

I also said that you had chilled out around here in recent years and that it was for you to reflect on several key things that ANYONE should bring into a relationship.

I gave you clear, grounded explanations of why your thoughts could be detrimental to you and gave you practical advice that can be applied to any situation.

You only took Henrik Lundqvist out of it. All these days later it's the literal first thing you had to bring up. Wtf

 

[Irishguy42]

We don't have a generic OT thread on here, I think, but this is relevant to this thread since it's about relationships: I'm getting married tomorrow.

7 years, with us being "basically married" for the last year or so. We wanted something bigger next year, but with the pandemic as it is, and with people postponing weddings to next year because of it (lord knows that it's killing my job because of all the event postponements...), we decided to get married NOW and do a more elaborate ceremony to be determined in the future with vow renewals and whatnot.

We're also kind of doing it out of necessity for my medical insurance and whatnot, as I'd rather not be paying ~$650 a month for COBRA and the crappy insurance that provides, when I could just be paying ~$50-70 for the fancy doctor insurance my fiancee has. No shame though. Not the first couple to do it because of that, nor the last. We were planning to get married anyway, but circumstances just happened to force it a little sooner than we wanted.

UNFORTUNATELY I will be forced to miss PHI/NYI Game 7 tomorrow because of it, which sucks (just kidding hahaha...unless...)

 

[NYSPORTS]

We don't have a generic OT thread on here, I think, but this is relevant to this thread since it's about relationships: I'm getting married tomorrow.

7 years, with us being "basically married" for the last year or so. We wanted something bigger next year, but with the pandemic as it is, and with people postponing weddings to next year because of it (lord knows that it's killing my job because of all the event postponements...), we decided to get married NOW and do a more elaborate ceremony to be determined in the future with vow renewals and whatnot.

We're also kind of doing it out of necessity for my medical insurance and whatnot, as I'd rather not be paying ~$650 a month for COBRA and the crappy insurance that provides, when I could just be paying ~$50-70 for the fancy doctor insurance my fiancee has. No shame though. Not the first couple to do it because of that, nor the last. We were planning to get married anyway, but circumstances just happened to force it a little sooner than we wanted.

UNFORTUNATELY I will be forced to miss PHI/NYI Game 7 tomorrow because of it, which sucks (just kidding hahaha...unless...)

Congrats - Good Luck

 

[Sparksrus3]

Some woman from Russia i never met says she likes me and is willing to hide in my basement until i get her a Green Card.

and her name is Dimitri

 

[HFsNumber1Heel]

Minor updates: I've watched a lot of videos the last few months since this thread was started on relationships and male/female dynamics. I'm not saying go full "red pill" as the kids call it nowadays because there are a lot of chauvinistic and potentially sexist undertones (not to mention getting grouped with certain political beliefs at a core level which are not my cup of tea) but I feel this time during lockdown has been a lot of positive reflection for me on what I did that can be remedied for the future. I'm still not happy about my last situation and current one but it's good to know how to asses them from beyond my personal narrative.

The bottom line is don't chase and don't be too nice. Don't be needy. Do you.

I get why I have been that way and seen friends goes through affairs/bad breakups.

I've started talking to someone I briefly knew a few years back, long story but I've been so busy with my own stuff. So she called back recently and I think I get the dynamic here and how to handle it. no chasing. I'm controlling the pace, and if it's too slow for her, then that's ok for me.

 

[LORDE]

I haven’t been in here in months but again, I feel folks are overthinking things.

Be urself and trust me, it will work out, and if when it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be.

You CAN NOT FABRICATE IT

ALL THE. MONEY IN THE WORLD CANT BUY IT

It will be. Eventually

 

[Embryo]

My relationship advice as a 33 year old male, been in a couple serious relationships, been in love, experienced all the highs and lows, stay single and get a few f*** buddies.

 

[Machinehead]

We don't have a generic OT thread on here, I think, but this is relevant to this thread since it's about relationships: I'm getting married tomorrow.

7 years, with us being "basically married" for the last year or so. We wanted something bigger next year, but with the pandemic as it is, and with people postponing weddings to next year because of it (lord knows that it's killing my job because of all the event postponements...), we decided to get married NOW and do a more elaborate ceremony to be determined in the future with vow renewals and whatnot.

We're also kind of doing it out of necessity for my medical insurance and whatnot, as I'd rather not be paying ~$650 a month for COBRA and the crappy insurance that provides, when I could just be paying ~$50-70 for the fancy doctor insurance my fiancee has. No shame though. Not the first couple to do it because of that, nor the last. We were planning to get married anyway, but circumstances just happened to force it a little sooner than we wanted.

UNFORTUNATELY I will be forced to miss PHI/NYI Game 7 tomorrow because of it, which sucks (just kidding hahaha...unless...)

IrishLady42

 

[Thirty One]

My relationship advice as a 33 year old male, been in a couple serious relationships, been in love, experienced all the highs and lows, stay single and get a few f*** buddies.

Happy Wedding Day @Irishguy42!

 

[HFsNumber1Heel]

I haven’t been in here in months but again, I feel folks are overthinking things.

Be urself and trust me, it will work out, and if when it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be.

You CAN NOT FABRICATE IT

ALL THE. MONEY IN THE WORLD CANT BUY IT

It will be. Eventually

100% and I agree with you. You cannot fake your personality/interests/passions because the real you will come out and if it doesn't jive with the Mrs.....you best have signed that prenup. But at the same time you can also improve your game and skills because this is entirely a cat and mouse game/power dynamic struggle in 2020. You can't bring just your fists to a knife fight (I'd use the proper term but that could get overly political in this climate so y'all know where I was going with that).

 

[HFsNumber1Heel]

My relationship advice as a 33 year old male, been in a couple serious relationships, been in love, experienced all the highs and lows, stay single and get a few f*** buddies.

So here is a very general question related to @Embryo 's post for discussion purposes. Nothing to do with me at all but for the greater good and future generations.

I've seen this a lot recently the stay single, work on yourself, stop caring too much, you know all the standard be a high value man and even "red pill" philosophies that are going on and its fine. We are all free to follow this or remain hopeless romantics.

But what about having children and future generations? As my 10th grade chemistry teacher said "Biological reproduction being pleasurable in nature means people want to take part in it. If it was done by hitting a hammer over each other's head, how many of us would be here today?"

For those that are looking for relationships and those here who have said "eff it...I'm done, I'l never get married" do you ultimately want to have children or is that not a big deal to you?

Do you all feel that this movement and new direction "oh I'm a woman I don't need a man" or "women have hurt men by rejection which turns them into jerks and red pillers who don't value them anymore" will cause a huge population drop in 20/30 years.

If you've either become so disenfranchised with dating ot the role of gender or how to act, or you've just had bad luck with the opposite sex and it's not a priority anymore, how do you feel about potentially not having children and if you still want to date and not have kids, what is your main goal?

Since I asked it I have to at least answer: I absolutely do one day want to have kids but it has to be with someone relatively stable who has the same values as me and never stops working on improvement.

 

[Krams]

My relationship advice as a 33 year old male, been in a couple serious relationships, been in love, experienced all the highs and lows, stay single and get a few f*** buddies.

I'm younger than you, but for me this would be awfully unfulfilling long-term.

 

[NYR]

So I'm back in this thread. I took a break because I felt like at least with one poster it was used as a way to vent his frustrations about my anti-Lundqvist posting habits. Anyway, I went back to the matchmaking well and did 2 zoom call dates with this girl. I really liked her and thought we were clicking but I got rejected yesterday. I considered ending the service and recouping some of the money but in the end, I think the only thing worse than getting rejected by 13 girls is being rejected by 11 girls and quitting.

13 is a bad luck number and nobody likes a quitter so at least shoot for 21!
I kid

Like anything else online, dating is weird.

You have to learn how to weed out those that are actually investing their time and are serious vs who is just looking to stack their friend list in order to boost their own ego.

Don't take it too seriously.
Not everybody is for everybody and 13 people out of millions isn't even a 1/4% of what's out there.

Just be yourself, keep plugging away and stop being a little girl.

There's a match for everyone so put in your time and eventually you will hit it off with someone unless you're @Machinehead @GoAwayStaal

Those kids are f***ed

 

[Machinehead]

13 is a bad luck number and nobody likes a quitter so at least shoot for 21!
I kid

Like anything else online, dating is weird.

You have to learn how to weed out those that are actually investing their time and are serious vs who is just looking to stack their friend list in order to boost their own ego.

Don't take it too seriously.
Not everybody is for everybody and 13 people out of millions isn't even a 1/4% of what's out there.

Just be yourself, keep plugging away and stop being a little girl.

There's a match for everyone so put in your time and eventually you will hit it off with someone unless you're @Machinehead @GoAwayStaal

Those kids are f***ed

Sorry I can't just club them over the head and drag them back to the cave as was customary when you were young.

 

[JCProdigy]

My relationship advice as a 33 year old male, been in a couple serious relationships, been in love, experienced all the highs and lows, stay single and get a few f*** buddies.

Hey people reading, unless this is what you really want...

 

[Charlie Conway]

Minor updates: I've watched a lot of videos the last few months since this thread was started on relationships and male/female dynamics. I'm not saying go full "red pill" as the kids call it nowadays because there are a lot of chauvinistic and potentially sexist undertones (not to mention getting grouped with certain political beliefs at a core level which are not my cup of tea) but I feel this time during lockdown has been a lot of positive reflection for me on what I did that can be remedied for the future. I'm still not happy about my last situation and current one but it's good to know how to asses them from beyond my personal narrative.

The bottom line is don't chase and don't be too nice. Don't be needy. Do you.

I get why I have been that way and seen friends goes through affairs/bad breakups.

I've started talking to someone I briefly knew a few years back, long story but I've been so busy with my own stuff. So she called back recently and I think I get the dynamic here and how to handle it. no chasing. I'm controlling the pace, and if it's too slow for her, then that's ok for me.

I've been in a relationship for about 4 years now. It's been my first real, rock-solid thing. We actually met through Reddit of all damn things, but we spoke and got to know each other for a year before meeting. Felt natural, and it was at a point where it felt right.

Over the last 4 years, I learned a lot about myself, and, looking back, it's an opportunity for a lot of reflection. I don't know that I would say don't be too nice or don't be needy. If it's you, it's you, and trying to act in a way that you aren't naturally becomes both exhausting and obvious. If you want to change, that's one thing, but pretending is just exhausting for both parties.

For me, it came down to a number of things.

I was definitely chasing attractive women with whom I didn't have any real connection. It made conversation brutal, and it in turn made me seem ridiculous because I was straining to make conversation happen with someone who I didn't have anything in common with and who ultimately wasn't interested. I was trying too hard, and it was silly, looking back.

Chasing isn't wrong. A relationship is always that process of throwing something out there and seeing the response--some calls it "bids." A natural relationship where both parties are interested will have it going both ways. People are always careful because, understandably, no one wants to get hurt. But if you try to control the pace, it can leave them feeling neglected. It's a shame it's not acceptable to be more open about these things.

 

[Charlie Conway]

I haven’t been in here in months but again, I feel folks are overthinking things.

Be urself and trust me, it will work out, and if when it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be.

You CAN NOT FABRICATE IT

ALL THE. MONEY IN THE WORLD CANT BUY IT

It will be. Eventually

It's cliche, but it's true. Absolutely. 100%.

This bit here is a little corny, but I wanted to throw it out there for anything feeling down about this stuff. I was recently having a conversation with my brother, as he's been pretty dejected by not having any sort of relationship for a few years now. He said all he gets are "no" responses, but all you need is one yes.

 

[Embryo]

I'm younger than you, but for me this would be awfully unfulfilling long-term.

Well when you've experienced all the bullshit you have to deal with being in a relationship, and then realize you can just be single and do literally whatever you want, whenever you want, and still be happy, you'll understand. Just my 2 cents. Everyone is different.

 

[Embryo]

If you are lonely and need a gf, go for it, experience love and all that jazz, but its a ticking time bomb in most cases, not all, but most. Experience it, cherish it, be grateful you experienced it, and then get on with your life being single and being able to do whatever you want whenever you want, knowing you have already experienced the pinnacle of emotional reciprocal love. I still talk to my ex's and we are great friends, no jealousy, no envy, nothing. Notice how Derek Jeter was always single his entire baseball career? I may settle down in the future when I'm older, but I am living my life FOR ME, right now, no burdens holding me back from perusing my dreams and goals.