I cannot get away from feeling absolutely and overwhelmingly gutted for the Gaudreau family primarily.
But also for the CBJ players - and the organization overall.
It's a relatively constant feeling for 6 days,
And I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed too, which makes no sense. For this 60+ year-old man, it is out of character and over the top.
But it's there.
Just watched the entirety of the press conference.
I was struck by how each of the 5 speakers was unable to speak with much emotion or energy.
Not being critical. If you don't read the entirety of this admittedly TL;DR post, then just know that my take is that DW, Boone, Z, Guddy and Kurls did all they humanly could today.
I watched the presser with hope of hearing something, anything, to lift me up.
I anticipated sadness.
I anticipated quietness.
I didn't expect funny stories (yet), but I thought there might be some kernel of insight into Johnny via their words that would at least help me (selfish thought).
But there was no new insight - no start to any healing. Just deep sadness.
During the presser, I kept wanting detailed personal stories, more emotion, more energy. More SOMETHING.
In short, I expected more from the press conference.
At the end of the presser, I felt like I got nothing. Nothing but deep sadness.
I felt worse.
And then after a while, it hit me. How could I expect anything like that level of intimacy/disclosure from any of those 5, who knew Johnny personally (some intimately as teammates do), whose lives are directly turned upside down by Johnny's death, when.... someone like me, who never met Johnny personally, who will not experience any direct loss or effect on my day-to-day life as a result of his death, who isn't some hero-worshipping fan but does love hockey and the Jackets, has been in tears every morning, again in the evening and then again late at night for 6 days?
Of course they are doing the same, at a deeper level, with their careers directly tied to Johnny. Of course they are...how could they not?
This afternoon, the tears dried up.
Instead, this afternoon I have been in an almost catatonic state, eyes hollow.
Almost emotionless, yet full of emotion. Full of sadness but nowhere to go with that sadness...it's just there.
Kind of what I saw at the presser.
And then at 5:30 pm today, I finally see that I totally missed on how all 5 of those speakers would (understandably) be completely and utterly washed out - gutted to their core. They have to be at the utter empty stage.
They have not been emotionless; they were not really emotionless today.
It's that their emotions have been out there, raw, for almost 6 days now, just not for us to see.
That has sapped every ounce of energy any of them may have. They have nothing left in the tank to express their emotions, without just sobbing on a shoulder/pillow. And yet there they were, at a microphone, in a very sterile and somber presser, and idiot me wanting more than they could possibly give.
This wasn't the funeral or memorial service...those 5 haven't processed anything but pain, loss and devastating sadness - and will be processing that for a while, if not forever. They weren't speaking directly to the Gaudreau family today, they weren't hugging the Gaudreau family or their teammates today. Today was simply a necessary but painful step of showing the CBJ presence to the media and the CBJ base - something that the organization needed to do, for PR purposes before more days passed. The truly meaningful messages from the CBJ to the Gaudreau family and within the CBJ family happen much more privately.
And that, for me personally, helps explain why I feel the way I do, still today.
I can't imagine the pain, the loss, the loneliness, and yes, even the fear of what this coming season will be like, that each one of those 5 is feeling.
For me to have expected more from any of them was not just unrealistic but grossly unfair.
I usually am one to think that what goes on in the room stays in the room - but somehow, Johnny's passing and the outpouring of pain and support made me want to be part of that team today, inside that room, to start healing with them. I have no business thinking that- but I do. Not because I have anything to offer them - but because I needed something from them to pull me out of whatever "this" is.
It's what being a Jacket fan does to me - they are in many respects an escape hatch from the real world; it is reality tv as only sports can be.
Only the last 6 days have not been an escape hatch of any kind. And so I (and presumably others) feel a deeper sense of loss - not only for Johnny but in losing our escape from reality. Because the last 6 days have been the true human reality show. And it's hard.
Those 5 did the absolute best they could today.
None of them, including DW, should have been expected to put cogent thoughts together on paper, let alone express those thoughts orally in some eloquent way. At the funeral, maybe. But not today. The healing for them will start, maybe after hugging the Gaudreau family, maybe after hearing others speak of Johnny at the funeral/memorial service. Maybe that healing doesn't start for days/weeks/months later for some. But it will start someday. And maybe, just maybe, my someday started now - writing has always been my catharsis. Just never thought to share it here on the CBJ board like this. But here I am, wanting to support the Gaudreau family and the CBJ players/staff - and wondering why I am affected as much as I am?
