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The Backstory[/size]
After its team was swept by the Detroit Red Wings in the recent Alumni Showdown, the Toronto Maple Leafs organization began an undercover operation to recruit the best and brightest of its alumni for future games of this nature. Never again would the greatest franchise in the league suffer humiliating losses in crucial alumni matches. Most of the new recruits were former Leafs draft picks, those chosen few lucky enough to have gone through the greatest prospect development program in the National Hockey League. The rest had been drafted elsewhere, but then ninjaed onto the Leafs by the wizardry of Dave Nonis.
A new team was formed which was younger, faster, smarter, and grittier than any other alumni team in history. The Leafs brass call it "some kids who won't suck as much." The players call it: Top Gun....or something.
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What?[/size]
In a monumental affair, the new alumni team will make its first appearance before a viewing public in an exhibition match against the current Maple Leafs.
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When?[/size]
Today, Jan 9, at 7pm Eastern Maple Leaf time.
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Where?[/size]
PNC Arena in Raleigh, North Carolina, USA. The game was originally going to be played at Air Canada Centre, but Nonis was touched by a TV commercial about a poor southern small-market team that had been forced to kick its top free agent out on the street, unable to afford a new contract for him.
As a result, the event will serve as a fundraiser of sorts for the poor Carolina team, with Canadians flocking to the area for this special event like those annoying migratory geese that also come from Canada. The Leafs and Leaf Nation are sure to set arena records for ticket sales and concessions spending, provided the local food is edible.
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Who?[/size]
Today's Leafs in all their glory up against those who were considered great enough to merit a spot on the team but have since moved on... This one is tough to call, but the most likely outcome is a 5-1 win for the Leafs. Look for the alumni to be wearing specially-designed black jerseys symbolizing the long Toronto winter nights, or something like that.
Here we profile a few of the most important players from each side.
[size=+2]The Toronto Maple Leafs[/size]
Phil Kessel
Perhaps the deadliest sniper to ever play the game of ice hockey, the mere mention of his name is enough to make most goalies shiver. Any weak attempt at challenging his greatness can be quickly shot down by simply responding "He's Phil Kessel..." For example, "He's really bad in interviews." "He's Phil Kessel..." "But he's fat." "He's Phil Kessel..." "But he sucks at defense." "He's Phil Kessel..." "But the picks they gave up to get him turned into a 21-year-old forward who is currently outproducing him and a 20-year-old defenseman who is already a top-4 D on a good team. Oh and he's fat." "He's Phil Kessel..." etc.
Tim Gleason
Gleason is a recent acquisition brought in as an excellent stay-at-home defensive presence with good skating ability and some offense. Once a reverse-aging formula that instantly makes a person 5 years younger is developed, the Leafs will surely get this performance out of Gleason. It's too bad distilled beverages don't have this effect as he is a big fan of pre-game drinking, resulting in drunken stumbling and frequent falls during his shifts. Reportedly Gleason didn't want to waive his NTC to play in Canada, but his good buddy Jim Lahey convinced him by promising to meet him in Toronto with a suitcase full of assorted liquors. Gleason's off-ice antics are probably best left to the puck bunnies, but suffice it to say he isn't exactly on the straight-and-level with one or two guys around the league.
David Clarkson
Reliable 30-goal scorer who took a discount to play in his hometown. Truly a heartwarming story.
Dion Phaneuf
They say that some people's reputation precedes them. Neon Dion's reputation can play an entire hockey game, taking home first star honors, while Dion is still smoking cigs with exotic dancers and playing captain with his movie star wife, if he feels like it. Still, if you don't think he's all that great of a defenseman, you should know that Dave Nonis just signed him to a 7-year deal with a $7 million annual cap hit. So you're wrong.
[size=+2]The Alumni Team[/size]
Jiri Tlusty
This former Leaf draft pick's name should be written with several funny accent marks but considering that he is a Soft Lazy Euro[sup]TM[/sup] he was lucky enough that they bothered to learn his name in the first place. Still, he hasn't been a total bust, scoring 23 goals last year, good for 5th in the league and more than anyone on the Leafs. In a sad twist, the Leafs had cultivated this goal-scoring greatness in him years before, only to be forced to trade him due to some minor off-ice shenanigans and the bad press that followed.
John-Michael Liles
Recently traded away from the Leafs, Liles had an interesting start with his new team, going +5 in his first 3 games without registering a point. He was even on the ice for a couple of power-play goals by his team. Clearly the opposing teams were quick to recognize the former Leaf on the ice and concentrated their efforts on shutting him down, freeing up Liles' teammates to do damage. Seriously, though, he seems to be a capable bottom-pairing defenseman at worst. Strangely, he has spent most of his time in Toronto this season with the Marlies. If Randy Carlyle weren't employed by the greatest organization in hockey, one might wonder if he has any idea what the hell he's doing.
Mike Komisarek
Der Kommissar spent several successful seasons with the Habs before being signed by the Leafs in 2009. Sadly, the Leafs soon realized that his time in Montreal had ruined his development. Apparently he arrived in Toronto knowing only French and American English, and couldn't understand anyone. This is why his performance declined so much with the Leafs, or it at least seems to be the most logical reason.
Jeff Skinner
Technically, Skinner has never been Leafs property. But consider the fact that he grew up in the greater Toronto area, learned to skate on Ontario ice, and breathed the rich Canadian air. And like any good kid from his hometown, he cheered for the Toronto ****ing Maple Leafs. For this reason, he has been invited to participate in the event as an honorary alumnus. Even if he isn't a Leaf yet, he almost certainly will be soon. Reliable internet sources have reported that Skinner is set to demand a trade to the Leafs within the next year or so. Backed into a corner, the hurricanes will have no leverage in negotiations. Strictly out of generosity, the Leafs plan to send Clarkson, Gleason, and a 3rd-round pick conditional on 3 straight Leafs cup wins to Carolina in exchange for Skinner. Jeff Skinner is strong.
Jay Harrison
I really wanted to talk about Jay but I've wasted enough time on this stupidly long GDT already. And that pic says a lot more than I would have said, anyway.
Other Attendees
Kirk Muller, Head Coach
Ron Francis, Director of Alumni Development
Jeff O'Neill, Twitter Commentator. Don't count on political correctness.
Invited but Unable to Attend
Tim Brent
Alexei Ponikarovsky
Paul Maurice
Eric Fichaud
Mike Zigomanis
Tomas Kaberle
Jeff Hamilton
Martin Gerber
Ian White
Glen Wesley
Kevyn Adams
Tom Barrasso
Bates Battaglia
Harold Druken
Jean-Sebastien Giguere
Trevor Kidd
Justin Pogge
Philippe Paradis
Dennis Robertson
etc...
Good luck with getting tickets to this once-in-a-lifetime experience, and for those who don't make it, a friendly reminder that this game will be televised locally on the SportSouth network, as Fox Sports Carolinas is showing an all-important ACC basketball matchup.
Uhh, lines.... Looks like Clarkson probable and Gunnarsson doubtful for the Leafs. EStaal is out for alumni, Lindholm probable, Nash and Tlusty questionable. 8 D are healthy, guessing Harrison and Komisarek still scratched. Khudobin likely in goal.
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Not only does he get his elbow up, he looks at his forearm afterwards as that was his biggest concern.
