What's truly sad is that I can't figure out if being mismanaged by Ralston Purina is better or worse than being a literal front for the Yakuza, and still sucking. I mean say what you will about Pablo Escobar but when he bought a team to launder money they at least became a quality team.
December 29, 1997.
The secretive back room of an exclusive Ginza nightclub.
Menacing Yakuza operatives, each wearing dark sunglasses inside the neon-lit room, surround the lair of the oyabun
, who is also wearing dark sunglasses.
The lifeless body of a captured rival is dragged from the room as the DJ segues to a remix of “Da Dip”. The oyabun gestures for his advisor to approach.
Advisor: *bows deeply* “Two urgent pieces of news have come to us from overseas,
oyabun-
sama. First, our meth trafficking operation has failed.”
Silently, the oyabun
makes the subtlest of gestures to a shadowy man lurking in the corner. He slips stealthily through a hidden door. By morning, nobody will be alive to speak of any trafficking operation.
Oyabun: “And the other?”
Advisor: “The...”
*
nervously glances toward the hidden door*
“... the Oilers are offering Jason Bonsignoire for Roman Hamrlik.”
The Oyabun
sits silently. “Da Dip” segues into “Barbie Girl”. Long moments pass. Someone coughs, then apologizes.
Finally, the Oyabun
removes his sunglasses.
Oyabun: “What the hell does that even mean?”
Advisor: *
can only open his mouth and gesture vaguely*
Oyabun, glancing around the room: “Anyone? Who’s involved in this? Haruto?”
Haruto: *shrugs* “I’m more of a soccer guy. Yoshi got a call from the team the other day. Ask him.”
Yoshi: “It was some guy named Espo. He didn’t speak any form of English that I recognize.”
Oyabun: “Has not one of you fools yet unlocked the power of the Internet???”
Advisor: “With deepest respect... I was able to access the World Wide Web for 2 hours today. In that time, I was just able to download a stat sheet. It shows me the leaders in PIM and +/-.”
Oyabun, helplessly: “The **** is a PIM!?”
Advisor: “I think it’s like... a point? Kinda? I’m not sure if it’s like golf where lower is better. Most of it’s written in Canadian so the spellings are all ****ed up.”
Oyabun: *
contemplates*
Oyabun: “Very well. Respond to these “Oilers” and tell them that we will only accept Bonsignoire for Hamrlik if they add more Canadians who will provide many PIMs and very low +/-. If they refuse, you know what to do.”
Advisor: *
bowing deeply* Your wisdom is boundless as always,
oyabun-sama.
The next day.
Lightning fan: “WHAT THE ****, MAN!?