Toggle sidebar

Useless thread MMII: Eagles & Buckeyes championship appreciation thread

  • Xenforo Cloud will be upgrading us to version 2.3.5 on March 3rd at 12 AM GMT. This version has increased stability and fixes several bugs. We expect downtime for the duration of the update. The admin team will continue to work on existing issues, templates and upgrade all necessary available addons to minimize impact of this new version. Click Here for Updates

Trouble in the Tropics​

We had barely set foot in Papua New Guinea when I saw a familiar figure waiting for us at the edge of the tarmac.

Hargrave.

Dressed in his usual cheap suit and with his perpetually exhausted expression, he stood next to a rickety airport jeep, arms crossed, glaring directly at Juan.

Juan, of course, was too busy unfolding his ‘Plushie Empire’ banner to notice.

Brenda sighed. “Oh great. What do you want now, Hargrave?”

Hargrave ignored her and strode toward Juan. “We need to talk. Now.”

Juan finally glanced up, grinning. “Agent Hargrave! You come to invest in the plushie business?”

Hargrave took a deep breath, clearly fighting the urge to strangle him. “Juan, this is serious.” He pulled a sealed envelope from his jacket. “This message came from the highest levels of government.”

Juan snatched the envelope and turned it over. “Ooooh, fancy. What is it? A medal for my service as North Korea’s ambassador to Japan?”

Hargrave’s eye twitched. “Just open it.”

Juan tore it open, pulled out a letter, and started reading aloud:

To Juan ‘General Freedom’ Price,
You are hereby summoned to an urgent diplomatic meeting in Washington, D.C. The matter at hand is of grave international importance and pertains to your recent activities across multiple nations. Failure to comply will result in—
Click to expand...
Juan stopped reading. “Blah blah blah, threats, legal mumbo jumbo… boring.”

Hargrave pinched the bridge of his nose. “Juan, this is serious. You’ve pissed off at least twelve world governments. They want answers.”

Juan waved the letter. “Yeah, but do they want plushies?”

Brenda slapped her forehead. “Juan, for once in your life, just listen.”

Juan thought for a moment. Then he folded the letter into a paper airplane and threw it.

Hargrave lunged forward and grabbed him by the collar. “I swear to God, Juan, I will personally drag you onto a plane back to D.C. if I have to.”

Juan grinned. “Alright, alright, I’ll go. But only if you buy a plushie first.”

Hargrave closed his eyes and muttered something that sounded a lot like a prayer for patience. Then, through gritted teeth, he pulled out a twenty-dollar bill.

Juan happily exchanged it for a plushie of a tiny, smiling Fidel Castro.

Brenda leaned over to me. “If Juan ends up testifying in front of Congress, I have to be there.”

I sighed. “We all do.”

And just like that, Papua New Guinea’s plushie empire was put on hold.

Next stop: Washington, D.C.
 
  • Haha
Reactions: PanthersPens62 and MetalheadPenguinsFan

General Freedom Goes to Washington​

I don’t know what I expected from Juan testifying before Congress, but it sure as hell wasn’t this.

The chamber was packed. Government officials, foreign diplomats, intelligence officers—all of them staring at Juan as he sat at the witness table, legs kicked up like he was lounging in a beach chair.

Brenda leaned over to me. “I give it ten minutes before he says something that gets us all arrested.”

Hargrave, looking more miserable than ever, stood off to the side, probably questioning every life choice that led him here.

At the head of the room, a stern-faced senator cleared his throat. “Mr. Price, do you understand why you have been called here today?”

Juan nodded. “Of course, Senator. You all want in on the plushie business.”

The senator blinked. “No. No, we do not.”

Juan scoffed. “Alright, fine, but if you did want in, I could offer a premium investment package—”

Hargrave slammed his forehead into his palm.

The senator ignored Juan’s sales pitch and continued. “Mr. Price, in the past year alone, you have:

  • Declared yourself the North Korean ambassador to Japan.
  • Hijacked an expedition cruise ship in Antarctica.
  • Sold illegal lasagna in multiple countries.
  • Created an international incident in Russia with a plushie named the Snuggle Czar.
  • And, most recently, bribed an Algerian official with a stuffed camel named ‘Humpy McFreedom.’”
Juan nodded proudly. “You forgot my plushie casino in Vegas.”

The senator rubbed his temples. “Juan, do you understand that multiple world governments are demanding answers? Some are even threatening to classify you as a global security risk.”

Juan waved a hand. “Pffft, that just means I’m important.”

Brenda whispered, “He’s gonna get us blacklisted from the entire planet.”

I sighed. “I know.”

The senator sighed. “Let me ask you plainly: What exactly is your goal? What do you want?”

Juan grinned. “It’s simple, Senator. I want a world where every man, woman, and child can hug a plushie shaped like their favorite dictator.”

The entire room fell silent.

Hargrave actually groaned out loud.

Brenda started coughing to cover up her laughter.

The senator just stared at Juan like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You… you can’t be serious.”

Juan pulled out a Stalin plushie. “Look at this little guy! You telling me the world doesn’t need this?”

The senator massaged his temples again. “Mr. Price, I don’t think you understand how serious this is.”

Juan grinned wider. “And I don’t think you understand how soft and cuddly Stalin is.”

At this point, one of the foreign diplomats just walked out of the room.

The senator sighed deeply. “Alright. That’s enough. Mr. Price, we’ll be deliberating your… unique case.” He stood. “This hearing is adjourned.”

Juan jumped up, pumping a fist. “YES! That means I win, right?”

Hargrave grabbed his arm. “Let’s go before they change their minds.”

As we walked out, Brenda snorted. “That went better than I expected.”

I shook my head. “Juan’s either a genius or the luckiest idiot on the planet.”

Juan grinned. “Why not both?”

But before we could leave, Hargrave’s phone buzzed. He looked at the screen, and his face went pale.

Brenda noticed. “What? What is it?”

Hargrave swallowed hard. “I don’t know how, but… Putin just invited Juan back to Russia.”

Juan fist-pumped. “The Snuggle Czar lives!”

Brenda laughed. “Guess we’re going back to Russia.”

And just like that, we were on a plane once again.
 
  • Haha
Reactions: PanthersPens62 and MetalheadPenguinsFan
@John Price was thinking of @SoupNazi

IMG_3586.jpeg
 
  • Haha
  • Like
  • Wow
Reactions: GIADF, PanthersPens62, MetalheadPenguinsFan and 2 others
PanthersPens62 said:
Hood Morning @MetalheadPenguinsFan !!! :) Yes, its a sad day with the loss of the legend. Lange was the reason I fell in love with hockey when I was a kid. The best to ever do it. RIP Mike.
Click to expand...

His calls and Mario’s goals were the things that got me into Pens hockey when I was a young lad as well.

He truly was the best to ever grace an announcer’s booth, may he RIP.
 
  • Love
Reactions: PanthersPens62
MetalheadPenguinsFan said:
His calls and Mario’s goals were the things that got me into Pens hockey when I was a young lad as well.

He truly was the best to ever grace an announcer’s booth, may he RIP.
Click to expand...
When I was a wee lad, the Pens still sucked but Mike Lange made listening to the games so enjoyable. It sucks that by the time I was able to get NHL Network and living in FL, those a-holes at Fox Sports Pittsburgh had already fired him. :( It would have been a dream to be able to hear him call games again. I'm just glad I have a second play by play man, Dougie P, who makes the radiocasts a must-listen. :yo:
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: End of Line and MetalheadPenguinsFan
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Ad

Upcoming events

Ad

Top Bottom