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Useless thread MMII: Eagles & Buckeyes championship appreciation thread

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Oh god did DOGE get hold of this website

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General Freedom’s Humiliating Retreat​

By the time we found Juan, he had climbed a streetlight and was clinging to it for dear life while screaming for help.

Below him, the furious woman in the red dress paced back and forth, knife in hand.

A small crowd had gathered, watching the spectacle. A group of tuk-tuk drivers were taking bets on whether Juan would fall before the woman got tired of waiting.

Brenda crossed her arms. "Well, this is embarrassing."

Danny DeVito grabbed a bag of popcorn from somewhere. “Nah, this is art.”

Juan saw us and shrieked, “HELP! FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, HELP ME!”

Brenda smirked. “I dunno, looks like General Freedom has this under control.”

Juan wailed. “I WAS LYING!”

Brenda turned to the woman. “Hey, sweetheart, how about we call it a night?”

The woman spun to face her, eyes blazing. “Are you with him?”

Brenda hesitated. “With him? Absolutely not. I’d rather lick a gas station toilet seat. But legally speaking, we’re kind of stuck together.”

The woman sneered. “Your friend is a North Korean puppet.”

Danny DeVito snorted. “Lady, I promise you—if Kim Jong-un ever saw this idiot, he’d defect from himself.”

The woman thought about that. Then, finally, she sighed and tucked the knife away. “Fine. But if I ever see him again—”

Juan let go of the streetlight and dropped to his knees in the middle of the road. “I PROMISE YOU WON’T! THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.”

She spat at his feet, turned, and disappeared into the night.

Juan slowly turned to us, shaking. “I need a drink.”

Danny DeVito threw an arm around his shoulders. “That’s the first smart thing you’ve said all night, kid.”

Escaping Bangkok​

We dragged Juan back to the hotel, where he spent an hour lying face-down on the floor, mumbling to himself about the dangers of "deceptively muscular women."

Brenda tossed a pillow at him. “You gonna wallow in self-pity all night, or are we getting out of here?”

Juan’s head shot up. “Where?”

I shrugged. “Anywhere but here.”

Juan sat up too quickly and nearly passed out. “I’ll choose. But first—” He crawled to his suitcase, pulled out a plushie of Babe Woof, and held it to his chest like a stress ball.

Danny DeVito watched in pure amusement. “You really live like this, huh?”

Juan didn’t answer.

Instead, he grabbed his phone, bought plane tickets on impulse, and grinned at us like a lunatic.

Brenda frowned. “Where did you just send us?”

Juan giggled.

Not a normal giggle. A Juan giggle.

Brenda rubbed her temples. “Oh, great. We’re screwed.”

And just like that, the next morning, we boarded a flight to a location only known to Juan.
 
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General Freedom’s Mystery Flight​

The flight attendants had barely started serving drinks when Brenda leaned over Juan’s seat and grabbed his collar. “Alright, spill it. Where the hell are we going?”

Juan grinned and pried her fingers off. “Brenda, Brenda, Brenda. What’s life without a little mystery?”

Brenda narrowed her eyes. “A lot less dangerous.”

I leaned over. “Juan, for real, just tell us.”

Juan shook his head. “Nope. Not until we land.”

Brenda glared at him for a solid ten seconds before slamming her seat back and muttering, “If I wake up in another war zone, I’m feeding you to a pack of stray dogs.”

Juan just smirked and pulled out a plushie of Winston Churchwoof. “Courage, my friends.”

Danny DeVito, who had somehow still not abandoned us, leaned into the aisle. “Are we at least going somewhere legalthis time?”

Juan shrugged.

Danny sighed and flagged down a flight attendant for a whiskey.

Six Hours Later…​

We landed at a small airport in the middle of nowhere.

The moment the doors opened, a blast of humid air hit us like a truck.

Brenda blinked. “Why does it feel like I just stepped into somebody’s mouth?”

I looked around. “Where are we?”

Juan stretched, took a deep breath, and threw his arms wide.

“Welcome… to Papua New Guinea!”

Brenda’s face was blank.

Danny DeVito started laughing so hard he almost fell down the stairs.

I sighed. “Juan, why—”

Juan beamed. “Because nobody has tapped into the Papua New Guinean plushie market!”

Brenda buried her face in her hands. “I cannot believe I let this happen.”

Juan grabbed her shoulders. “Brenda, my dear, this is history! We’re about to introduce plushie capitalism to the entire island nation!”

Brenda slowly lifted her head. “If you say ‘General Freedom’s Plushie Empire’ I am going to suplex you off this plane.”

Juan pouted. “But it’s such a good name.”

I shook my head. “What’s the plan here, Juan? Just… show up and start selling plushies?”

Juan nodded. “Yes. And also—” He pulled out a poorly drawn map. “I heard there’s a tribe here that’s never been contacted by the outside world. I’m thinking… first contact… but with plushies.”

Brenda looked at me. I looked at Brenda.

Brenda sighed. “Welp. We’re gonna die.”

Danny DeVito wiped a tear of laughter from his eye. “Now this I gotta see.”

And just like that, General Freedom’s Plushie Empire had officially arrived in Papua New Guinea.
 
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Bored out of my mind. No work to do, only 3.5 days left, yet we are getting a foot of snow today so can't really do anything outside either.
 
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