SoupNazi
Global Moderator
- Feb 6, 2010
- 27,714
- 18,732
Tanks for Nothing
Juan was getting impatient.“I’m a Russian diplomat! I deserve a tank,” he whined over breakfast, shoveling down a plate of Brenda’s "Siberian-style" lasagna (which was just regular lasagna with a shot of vodka dumped on top).
Hargrave, still in a constant state of stress, rubbed his temples. “You are not a diplomat.”
Juan slammed his plushie-covered fist on the table. “Then why do I have this badge?!”
Brenda and I leaned over to examine it.
“That’s a Moscow Zoo membership card, Juan,” I pointed out.
Juan squinted at it. “So… no tank?”
“Absolutely not.”
Brenda, forever the optimist, waved him off. “Juan, we just need to think bigger. If the Russian government won’t give you a tank, we’ll get one ourselves.”
Juan gasped. “We’re gonna steal a tank?!”
“NO!” Hargrave and I yelled in unison.
“...We’re gonna borrow a tank,” Brenda corrected with a wink.
A Mysterious Guest Arrives
Before Juan could start Googling ‘How to rent a tank in Russia’, the front doors of the Hotel Plushnikov burst open.A man in dark sunglasses and a hoodie shuffled inside.
Hargrave’s face turned white.
“Oh, no.”
Juan blinked. “Who’s the nerd?”
Brenda gasped. “Oh my God… It’s Edward Snowden!”
The man pushed his shades down slightly, giving us a wary look. “Keep it down,” he muttered. “I heard there was a new… American-friendly establishment in Moscow.”
Brenda beamed. “That’s right! Home of the finest lasagna this side of the Iron Curtain!”
Snowden eyed the plate in front of Juan, where a half-eaten slab of vodka-drenched lasagna oozed grease onto the table.
“I’ll pass.”
Snowden’s Secret Mission
Snowden took a seat in the corner, lowering his voice. “Listen. I need help.”Hargrave facepalmed. “Of course you do.”
“I need a place to lay low. Putin’s patience with me is running thin. I think he’s about to trade me back to the U.S.”
Juan, still pouting about his lack of a tank, grumbled, “Why don’t you just hack yourself a plane ticket?”
Snowden shot him a deadpan look. “It doesn’t work like that.”
Brenda grinned. “Say no more. You can stay here!”
Hargrave’s eye twitched. “Absolutely not.”
But Brenda was already pulling out a fresh plate of lasagna.
Snowden took one look at it and muttered, “I’ll take my chances with the Kremlin.”
Juan’s Plan: "Operation Plushie Blitzkrieg"
As Snowden sulked, Juan’s eyes suddenly lit up.“I got it!” he declared. “Snowden helps me hack into the Russian military! We find out where they store the tanks, and—”
“NO.” Hargrave, Brenda, and I yelled in unison.
Snowden sighed. “I’m not helping you steal a tank.”
Juan crossed his arms. “Not steal. Borrow indefinitely.”
Snowden stood up. “You know what? I think I’ll just go back to hiding.”
And just like that, Edward Snowden walked out of Hotel Plushnikov, disappearing into the Moscow streets once more.
Juan sighed dramatically. “Well, there goes my tank hookup.”
Brenda patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry, Juan. We’ll find another way.”
Hargrave groaned. “We are going to end up in a Siberian prison.”
And so, with Snowden gone and Juan still without a tank, the plushie empire continued its questionable expansion.
