Chapter 65: Welcome to the DPRK, Idiots
I had exactly ten minutes of peace before my phone buzzed with a text that shattered what little sanity I had left.
Brenda: Oi, ya silly galah! Get to Vladivostok. We’re off to North Korea!
I stared at my phone. North Korea.
North. Korea.
I should have ignored the message. I should have thrown my phone into the nearest body of water and disappeared into Siberia. But against my better judgment, I found myself booking a train ticket to Vladivostok, muttering curses under my breath the entire way.
By the time I arrived, Brenda, Juan, Hunter Biden, and Julian Assange were already waiting for me near the docks, standing next to what could only be described as the most suspicious-looking fishing boat in history.
Brenda grinned and waved. “Good on ya, mate! Thought you mighta bailed on us!”
“I
should have,” I said, staring at the rust bucket they were calling a boat. “What
is this?”
Juan puffed out his chest. “This, my friend, is the
USS Freedom Plush. Our noble steed to Pyongyang.”
“It’s a
boat, Juan.”
“Correction—
a fishing trawler repurposed for diplomatic purposes.”
Hargrave stood off to the side, rubbing his temples. “I can’t believe I’m part of this.”
I sighed. “And
why are we going to North Korea?”
Brenda threw an arm around Juan. “Johnny Boy here has decided he’s gonna reclaim his title as
General Freedom, North Korean Ambassador to Japan.”
I blinked. “That’s…not a real thing.”
Juan scoffed. “That’s
what you think.”
A Not-So-Diplomatic Arrival
Against every instinct in my body, I got on that boat. And, against all odds, we made it across the East Sea without sinking.
Unfortunately, when we arrived on the shores of North Korea, we were greeted by a full platoon of armed soldiers.
Brenda stepped off the boat first and threw up her arms. “G’day, comrades! We come in peace and plushies!”
The soldiers did not look impressed.
Juan strutted forward in a cheap military uniform he had somehow acquired. “Fear not, fellow warriors of the glorious DPRK! I am
General Freedom, returning to my rightful post as North Korean Ambassador to Japan!”
Silence.
Then, the highest-ranking officer stepped forward, looked Juan up and down, and said something in Korean.
Juan nodded sagely. “Yes, yes. You recognize me, I see. Please, take me to your leader.”
The officer turned to his men, muttered something, and within seconds, Juan was tackled to the ground and handcuffed.
Hunter snorted. “Yeah, saw that coming.”
Assange winced. “This is worse than the Ecuadorian embassy.”
Hargrave sighed. “I swear to God, I’m not bailing you out again.”
Juan, face pressed into the dirt, wheezed, “Tell Mr. Freedom to take care of my affairs.”
Brenda folded her arms. “Bugger me, that didn’t last long.”
Meeting the Supreme Leader (Sort Of)
We were all detained for several hours in what I could only describe as the
Plushie Embassy Incident.
Despite Juan’s utter failure at diplomacy, Brenda managed to talk her way into a meeting with a lower-ranking government official. We were led into a dimly lit office, where a humorless man in a gray suit sat behind an enormous desk.
“State your business,” he said, expression unreadable.
Brenda placed a single plushie on the desk—a tiny, stuffed version of Kim Jong-un. “Right, listen ‘ere, mate. We wanna open a plushie and lasagna empire right here in Pyongyang. You’ve heard of global soft power?
This is global soft plush.”
The official stared at the plushie. Then at Brenda. Then back at the plushie.
“You are aware,” he said slowly, “that capitalism is forbidden here?”
Brenda waved a hand. “Bah, details, details.”
Juan, who had somehow wriggled out of his restraints, leaned in. “We’re talking a
plushie revolution, my friend.”
The official stood up. “Guards.”
Hargrave groaned. “Here we go again.”
The Grand Escape (Again)
We didn’t make it past the lobby before we realized we were, once again, being
very politely escorted to what I assumed was a labor camp.
Juan whispered, “Time for Plan B.”
I frowned. “Do I want to know what Plan B is?”
Brenda pulled out a lasagna pan.
“Brenda,
no—”
Brenda
yes’d.
She launched a steaming tray of lasagna straight at the guards. The moment the cheesy, saucy chaos exploded in their faces, we
bolted.
Juan, surprisingly fast for a man shaped like an overstuffed plushie himself, led the charge through the building. “RUN, YOU FOOLS! FOR FREEDOM!”
I was too busy dodging armed men to argue.
We crashed through a side door and sprinted toward our boat, guards shouting behind us.
Brenda cackled. “That was a
bloody ripper of a distraction!”
Hargrave, completely out of breath, wheezed, “I
hate you all.”
Somehow,
somehow, we made it back to the
USS Freedom Plush, jumped aboard, and sped off into the night.
As we put distance between ourselves and North Korea, Juan collapsed onto the deck, panting. “Okay.
Maybe they weren’t ready for my brand of diplomacy.”
Brenda stretched. “Ah well, no worries! We’ll find another country.”
I groaned. “No.
No more countries.”
Juan sat up, eyes gleaming.
“I hear Mongolia is lovely this time of year.”
Everyone groaned.
Hargrave shook his head. “I should have left you in Russian prison.”
And with that, we sailed blindly into yet another disaster.
TO BE CONTINUED…