Useless Thread MCMXCIX: Miss Piggy Appreciation Thread

[John Price]

Monday Night Raw debuts on Netflix tonight!

Nobody is going to watch

Netflix: Put The Rock on for the debut of RAW on Netflix

who's gonna watch? How are people going to watch on TV

 

[John Price]

 

[End of Line]

Nobody is going to watch

Netflix: Put The Rock on for the debut of RAW on Netflix

who's gonna watch? How are people going to watch on TV

Yeah, a service that has 282 million worldwide subscribers won’t have anyone watching. Dumbass.

And I finally found you a woman

 

[John Price]

"Frank Fleming’s Devils Rant"

It was a chilly January evening, and the Prudential Center was packed with New Jersey Devils fans, their red-and-black jerseys dotting the stands like embers in a fire. The team had been struggling for weeks, losing winnable games and squandering opportunities. The mood in the arena was tense, but no one felt the weight of the team’s shortcomings quite like Frank Fleming.

Frank, a die-hard Devils fan known for his passionate rants, sat in Section 119, Row 10, arms crossed, a scowl on his face. His Devils jersey was pristine, contrasting his mood. Around him, fans were shouting and cheering, but Frank was simmering, waiting for the right moment to let it all out.

---

The Breaking Point​

The Devils were trailing 4-2 in the third period against the rival New York Islanders. A sloppy turnover in the neutral zone led to an Islanders’ breakaway goal, sending the visiting fans into a frenzy. Frank shot out of his seat, his face redder than Martin Brodeur’s goalie pads.

“That’s it! I’ve had it!” Frank bellowed, his voice carrying over the din.

The fans around him turned their heads, many grinning—they knew they were about to witness one of Frank’s legendary rants. Someone nearby started recording on their phone.

“This team is a JOKE!” Frank roared, pointing toward the ice. “What are we even DOING out there? Passing to nobody, giving up breakaways like we’re hosting a charity event! You call this a power play? I’ve seen better coordination at a toddler’s birthday party!”

---

The Crowd Joins In​

A small crowd began to gather around Frank as he gesticulated wildly, his frustration spilling out like a tidal wave. Even fans who didn’t know him personally nodded along, their own frustration mirrored in his words.

“Where’s the DEFENSE?” Frank continued, pacing in his row. “We’ve got a goalie out there playing his heart out, and what’s he get in return? TURNOVERS! SCREENED SHOTS! They might as well hand the Islanders the puck and say, ‘Here, have another goal!’”

A fellow fan shouted, “You’re right, Frank! Fire the coach!”

Frank turned, locking eyes with the fan. “The coach? Don’t get me started on the coach! What kind of system is this? We can’t kill penalties, we can’t win faceoffs, and we’re changing lines like we’re playing musical chairs! FIRE THEM ALL!”

---

A Stir in the Arena​

By now, security had noticed the commotion. Two ushers approached cautiously, unsure whether to intervene. Frank wasn’t causing trouble—well, not exactly. But his booming voice and fiery passion were drawing attention from the game itself.

“Sir,” one usher began, “can we ask you to tone it down a bit?”

Frank wheeled around, fixing the usher with an incredulous stare. “Tone it down? TONE IT DOWN? Have you SEEN this team? You should be asking THEM to tone it UP! I paid good money to watch hockey, not whatever this is!”

The usher hesitated, then stepped back, deciding it wasn’t worth the effort.

---

Frank’s Call to Action​

As the Devils called a timeout, Frank seized the moment to rally the fans. He climbed onto his seat, his arms raised like a preacher at a revival.

“Listen up, Devils fans!” he shouted. “We deserve better than this! We’ve got tradition, we’ve got pride, and we’ve got three Stanley Cups! We’re not some expansion team figuring things out—we’re the New Jersey Devils! It’s time for this team to wake up and play like it!”

The crowd erupted into cheers and chants of “Let’s go Devils!” The energy in the arena shifted, as if Frank’s words had sparked a fire in the fans. Even the players on the bench seemed to notice, glancing toward the stands.

---

The Comeback​

Inspired or not, the Devils suddenly found their rhythm. A quick goal brought the score to 4-3, and the crowd exploded. Frank was back in his seat, pounding the armrests and shouting, “That’s what I’m talking about! More of that!”

With two minutes left, the Devils pulled their goalie. The tension was palpable as they swarmed the Islanders’ zone. Frank was on his feet, fists clenched, willing the puck into the net.

And then it happened. A perfect one-timer from the blue line beat the Islanders’ goalie, tying the game. The arena erupted in chaos, and Frank jumped up and down like a kid on Christmas morning.

“They’ve got a pulse!” he shouted. “I don’t believe it—they’ve actually got a pulse!”

---

Overtime Glory​

The game went to overtime, and the Devils were relentless. Frank was leaning forward, his hands gripping the seat in front of him, his eyes glued to the ice.

When Jack Hughes deked past two defenders and roofed the puck for the game-winner, the arena erupted. Frank screamed louder than anyone, hugging strangers and high-fiving anyone within reach.

“That’s how you do it!” he bellowed, his face a mix of joy and relief. “That’s Devils hockey!”

---

Frank’s Fame Grows​

As fans filed out of the arena, many stopped to congratulate Frank on his impromptu pep talk. Someone showed him the video they’d recorded, which had already gone viral on social media.

“You’re a legend, Frank!” one fan said.

Frank grinned. “I’m just a guy who loves his team. But if they pull that turnover nonsense again next game, you’ll be hearing from me!”

---

The Aftermath​

By the next morning, Frank’s rant was trending. Clips of his fiery speech were shared on sports shows and social media, with many calling him the voice of the fans. The Devils themselves even tweeted: “We heard you, Frank. Thanks for keeping us accountable. #LetsGoDevils.”

For Frank, it wasn’t about fame. It was about passion. And as long as the Devils took the ice, he’d be there, cheering, ranting, and keeping the team honest—one unforgettable moment at a time.

---

Yeah, a service that has 282 million worldwide subscribers won’t have anyone watching. Dumbass.

And I finally found you a woman

Why? You won't be watching. Even if they tuned in they wouldn't see anything. The servers would just get DDOS'd

 

[John Price]

How does this ChatGPT get Frank down like this

Title: "Frank Fleming’s Jets Fiasco: Week 18 Woes"

It was a crisp January afternoon, and the parking lot outside MetLife Stadium was buzzing with anticipation. Jets fans were cautiously optimistic. A win against the Miami Dolphins in Week 18 would keep their slim playoff hopes alive. Among the sea of green and white, one fan stood out: Frank Fleming. Known for his unfiltered rants and unshakable devotion to his teams, Frank was brimming with a mix of hope and dread.

---

The Pregame Optimism​

Frank arrived early, his green Jets jersey proudly on display, a bag of pretzels in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other. He joined a tailgate, where fans debated the Jets’ chances.

“This is it, Frank,” one fan said, slapping him on the back. “We’re taking this one. The Dolphins don’t have Tua, and their defense is shaky.”

Frank took a deep breath. “I don’t know. This team has a way of pulling the rug out from under you. Every time you think they’ve turned a corner, BAM—they let you down.”

Another fan chimed in, “Come on, Frank, have a little faith. Mike White’s starting. He’s been solid.”

Frank grimaced. “Solid? Sure, but he’s not Joe Namath. And don’t get me started on our offensive line. If they don’t block, we’ll be lucky to get a first down.”

Still, as game time approached, Frank felt a flicker of hope. The Jets were technically still in the playoff hunt, and stranger things had happened in the NFL.

LOL AI THINKS FRANK IS A JETS FAN

 

[End of Line]

Yes I’ll be watching bc what else am I going to watch? I don’t watch degenerate gamblers like you do.

 

[John Price]

The Long Walk Home​

As the final whistle blew, Frank trudged out of MetLife Stadium, his shoulders slumped. The Jets fans continued their mockery, but Frank didn’t have the energy to respond.

On the way to his car, he pulled out his phone and started recording a video for social media.

“Here we go again, folks,” he said, his voice heavy with frustration. “The Dolphins find new ways to disappoint. Missed field goals, turnovers, bad play-calling—it’s like they’re allergic to winning when it matters. How do they do this to me EVERY SINGLE YEAR? I’m done. I’m done… until next season.”

He ended the video with a sigh, posting it with the caption: “Dolphins: Masters of Misery. #FinsUp #FinsDown”

---

The Aftermath​

By the time Frank got home, his rant had gone viral, with Dolphins and Jets fans alike sharing it. Even the Dolphins’ official Twitter account cheekily replied: “We feel your pain, Frank. #FinsUp”

For Frank, the loss was another chapter in a lifetime of heartbreak. But deep down, he knew he’d be back next year, hoping—just hoping—that one day, the Dolphins would finally make it worth the pain.

Yes I’ll be watching bc what else am I going to watch? I don’t watch degenerate gamblers like you do.

I think this is the first time you have acknowledge WWE exists or the post-PG era in this thread

Me and Sega have rambled about it for some time and you never said anything

I won't be watching. Yeah I'll be watching those degenerate gamblers and blackjack players.

 

[John Price]

The product is just so bad now, nobody's on WWE other than liv, dom and his tendies and rhea

boring ass RAW roster no point watching

I don't think I have seen RAW since 2017

Has @PanthersPens62 discussed these allegations against Skip Bayless.

 

[John Price]

Forgot the Caps play tonight

 

[End of Line]

Just bc I don’t talk about it in this thread doesn’t mean I don’t watch it from time to time. I’m not a diehard like I was when I was kid or early teenager. But I still do enjoy the road to Wrestlemania and I watch Summerslam. Other than that meh. It’s also a far cry from being the worst era as well. WM 25 - WM 28 was prettt shit. Got decent again in 2013 through 2015 and shit the bed again. It was downright awful in 16, 17, 18, and 19. Didn’t watch the bubble era at all. I started getting into AEW as well which at the time was a better product. Hell, I even went to the fist AEW Dynamite they did here in Columbus in 2022. But that was also when WWE started to hit another gear while AEW started to fall apart. But at the end of the day it’s just entertainment.

 

[SladeWilson23]

Nobody is going to watch

Netflix: Put The Rock on for the debut of RAW on Netflix

who's gonna watch? How are people going to watch on TV

CM Punk vs Seth Rollins

Forgot the Caps play tonight

So do the Devils.

 

[John Price]

Just bc I don’t talk about it in this thread doesn’t mean I don’t watch it from time to time. I’m not a diehard like I was when I was kid or early teenager. But I still do enjoy the road to Wrestlemania and I watch Summerslam. Other than that meh. It’s also a far cry from being the worst era as well. WM 25 - WM 28 was prettt shit. Got decent again in 2013 through 2015 and shit the bed again. It was downright awful in 16, 17, 18, and 19. Didn’t watch the bubble era at all. I started getting into AEW as well which at the time was a better product. Hell, I even went to the fist AEW Dynamite they did here in Columbus in 2022. But that was also when WWE started to hit another gear while AEW started to fall apart. But at the end of the day it’s just entertainment.

ok

 

[John Price]

playing CFB 25. Up 9-7 at the half. Asshole missed a PAT kick lol

Tuch scores.

 

[End of Line]

ok

Ik it’s still real to you and that’s okay

 

[John Price]

Ik it’s still real to you and that’s okay

I don't watch and barely know anything about it

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

The product is just so bad now, nobody's on WWE other than liv, dom and his tendies and rhea

boring ass RAW roster no point watching

I don't think I have seen RAW since 2017

Has @PanthersPens62 discussed these allegations against Skip Bayless.

I wouldn't mind watching 3 hours of Rhea

 

[Sega Dreamcast]

Go to play my Switch for the first time in a long while.

After getting asked to sign in like 5 times, I can't play some games because they're queued to update.

Not even actively updating, they're offline games I can't play because there's an available update. That's stupid.

Couldn't stop Rocket League from updating, so I deleted it, and then everything else updates quickly.

Wtf, how is this complicated in any way

 

[John Price]

I thought about getting a switch but it seems difficult to play the games I want to play which are largely Super Mario World, Super Mario Kart, Pokemon red etc

 

[John Price]

 

[John Price]

what happened on RAW

 

[End of Line]

I don't watch and barely know anything about it

That’s a lie considering you had that douche Logan Paul as your avatar for months

 

[End of Line]

@John Price should do us all a huge favor and sit on a broom handle top side down

 

[John Price]

does anyone else play ultimate x video poker

 

[SoupNazi]

does anyone else play ultimate x video poker

Just you, pretty boy

 

[SoupNazi]

John Price’s Wild Night at WWE Raw​

John Price, better known on HFBoards as ixcuincle, was a legend in niche circles for his bizarre antics. A self-proclaimed "400lb wrestling savant and plushie curator," John boasted a collection of 10,000 plushies stacked wall-to-wall in his one-bedroom apartment. But tonight wasn’t about forum banter or dusting off his army of stuffed animals. Tonight, John was taking his elite squad—a handpicked selection of his most prized plushies—to WWE Raw.

He strutted into the arena like he owned the place, his fanny pack crammed with chicken wings, his sweatpants tucked into his socks, and his T-shirt—a 4XL affair—featuring a poorly Photoshopped picture of himself suplexing John Cena. Dangling from his arms were five giant plushies: a Pikachu, a life-sized Totoro, an eerily realistic teddy bear, a squashed SpongeBob, and a long-forgotten Beanie Baby kangaroo.

“Tonight,” he muttered to himself, “these bad boys are becoming part of wrestling history.”

Trouble in the Front Row​

John's first move was to demand front-row seats, which, somehow, he managed to secure after trading three of his lesser plushies with a scalper outside. Settling into his seat, he immediately began arranging his plushies like they were his entourage. Pikachu sat in the chair next to him, Totoro loomed ominously over a 12-year-old sitting behind him, and the kangaroo was perched on the barrier separating the audience from the ring.

John didn’t notice the side-eyes from other fans—or care. He was too busy screaming his lungs out during the opening match between Sami Zayn and The Miz, waving SpongeBob around like a foam finger.

“GET HIM IN THE SHARPSHOOTER, SAMI!” John bellowed, smacking the unfortunate guy next to him with Totoro’s plush paw.

“Dude, watch it!” the man snapped.

“Sorry, casual,” John said smugly, not sorry at all.

The Plushie Incident​

Everything went sideways during a heated tag-team match featuring The Judgment Day. Fired up, John decided to make his mark. As Dominik Mysterio taunted the crowd, John hurled his kangaroo plush into the ring with the force of a man who had been practicing this moment in his living room for years.

The kangaroo smacked Dominik square in the face. The crowd erupted in laughter, but Dominik? Not amused.

He pointed directly at John. “You think this is a joke, fat boy?”

John, instead of backing down, doubled down. “You’re lucky that wasn’t Totoro! You couldn’t handle him!”

That was enough. Security swarmed John’s section as Dominik demanded satisfaction. Before he knew it, John was being yanked over the barrier by two guards. But the real trouble started when John’s sweatpants betrayed him, slipping halfway down in the struggle and revealing his Pikachu-patterned boxers.

“LET ME GO!” John screeched, clutching at Totoro like a lifeline.

Dominik vs. John​

To everyone’s surprise, Dominik invited John into the ring, clearly sensing an opportunity for cheap heat. Egged on by the crowd, John waddled in, dragging Totoro along with him.

“This is my moment,” he whispered to Totoro. “Let’s show them what we’re made of.”

Dominik snatched the plushie from John’s hands and dropkicked it into the fifth row.

“NOOOOOO!” John howled, collapsing to his knees like someone had just spoiled the ending of his favorite K-drama.

Dominik wasn’t done. He delivered a swift slap to John’s face, sending the 400lb man toppling like a poorly constructed Jenga tower. The crowd roared with laughter as John flailed on the mat, his T-shirt riding up to expose his belly.

“Help! I have rights!” John screamed as Dominik put him in a humiliating headlock before releasing him with a shove.

Security finally dragged John out of the ring and up the ramp, his remaining plushies tumbling from his arms as fans pelted him with popcorn and soda cups.

The Aftermath​

John was unceremoniously ejected from the arena, where he sat on the curb, clutching his slightly deflated SpongeBob plushie.

“Wrestling fans are so ungrateful,” he muttered to no one in particular. “Dominik only won because of interference from that biased ref. Just wait until HFBoards hears about this.”

As he opened his phone to begin furiously typing a post titled “Why WWE Raw Is the Worst Show on Earth (and Dominik Mysterio Fears Me)”, a group of passing kids stole the remaining plushies from his pile and sprinted off.

“NO! COME BACK!”

But they didn’t. And John Price, 400lb wrestling savant and plushie collector, was left to reflect on a night that had not gone as planned.

And for everyone else, it was the most entertaining part of WWE Raw.