SoupNazi
Keeps paying for Hangman’s OF to get promoted
- Feb 6, 2010
- 27,412
- 18,018
After the tragedy of Lemmy the goldfish, @John Price found himself ostracized by many HFBoards users who began referring to him as "Fish Killer Price." While he pretended not to care, deep down, the constant trolling and barrage of fish-related memes (“RIP Lemmy, Gone But Not Fed”) began to weigh on him. Determined to clear his name, John concocted a plan to prove that he—and his plushies—were more than capable of taking care of a living being.
The answer? Adoption. But not a human, obviously. And definitely not another fish. No, John decided to adopt a hamster, which he named "Captain Whiskerplush," in honor of his plushie collection.
Captain Whiskerplush was an energetic little fluffball who seemed genuinely excited about his new home. John went all out, buying the largest hamster cage he could afford (which wasn’t much, but it had a wheel, a water bottle, and a few tunnels). Once again, he assigned his plushies various responsibilities:
Unfortunately, the plushies once again failed to deliver. The water bottle was bone dry by Day Two, and the hamster wheel became so squeaky it sounded like a dying accordion every time Captain Whiskerplush ran on it. Worse yet, Garfield, inspired by his lasagna-loving namesake, had managed to "misplace" the hamster treats (translation: John had eaten them during a late-night HFBoards debate about the NHL’s playoff format).
Things came to a head on Day Five when John discovered Captain Whiskerplush gnawing aggressively at the bars of his cage, glaring at Totoro with what could only be described as contempt. John, panicking, posted a thread on HFBoards titled, “HELP: Hamster Seems Mad at My Plushies???”
Predictably, the thread spiraled out of control. MetalheadPenguinsFan chimed in immediately, replying, “At least the hamster’s still alive. Progress?” Others were less charitable, with @GIADF posting, “BREAKING: Plushie Neglect Strikes Again.” @PanthersPens62 even Photoshopped Totoro behind hamster bars with the caption, “PLUSHIES: Guilty of Negligence.”
Determined not to let this become another Lemmy situation, John sprang into action. He rushed to the pet store, buying an obscene amount of hamster supplies to compensate for his neglect. He even tried to train the plushies to take their roles seriously, holding nightly "meetings" where he lectured them on responsibility.
But the plushies, being inanimate, did not improve. And John, being John, eventually lost interest in the effort. Within weeks, Captain Whiskerplush’s cage became more of a storage space for empty snack wrappers than a proper home.
The final straw came when Captain Whiskerplush, ever the escape artist, managed to tunnel out of his cage and into John’s prized plushie pile. By the time John noticed, the hamster had chewed through Totoro’s foot and was using Pikachu’s tail as a nest.
John tried to spin the incident on HFBoards with a thread titled, “My Hamster LOVES My Plushies: A Heartwarming Story.” But no one bought it. Replies ranged from “More like Captain Whiskerplush HATES your plushies” to “Did you feed him this time or let him fend for himself?”
Eventually, @MetalheadPenguinsFan got involved again, demanding to know the hamster’s welfare. John reluctantly admitted that Captain Whiskerplush had been rehomed—this time with John’s neighbor, an elderly woman who seemed more capable of keeping him alive.
While Captain Whiskerplush thrived in his new home, John doubled down on his plushie collection, swearing off pet-sitting forever. But the HFBoards community never let him live it down.
To this day, any thread John posts is met with comments like, “How’s Captain Whiskerplush doing?” or “You think a Totoro can be GM of the Penguins, too?”
John, ever resilient, continues to insist that none of this was his fault. He now has a new plushie—a large, floppy whale he named "Lemmy 2"—and has started a new thread series titled “Plushies That Would Make Great NHL Mascots.”
Because if there’s one thing John Price knows how to do, it’s double down on chaos.
The answer? Adoption. But not a human, obviously. And definitely not another fish. No, John decided to adopt a hamster, which he named "Captain Whiskerplush," in honor of his plushie collection.
Captain Whiskerplush was an energetic little fluffball who seemed genuinely excited about his new home. John went all out, buying the largest hamster cage he could afford (which wasn’t much, but it had a wheel, a water bottle, and a few tunnels). Once again, he assigned his plushies various responsibilities:
- Totoro was in charge of refilling the water bottle.
- Pikachu was tasked with ensuring the wheel stayed squeak-free.
- Garfield (a newly acquired addition) was “Head of Snacks.”
Unfortunately, the plushies once again failed to deliver. The water bottle was bone dry by Day Two, and the hamster wheel became so squeaky it sounded like a dying accordion every time Captain Whiskerplush ran on it. Worse yet, Garfield, inspired by his lasagna-loving namesake, had managed to "misplace" the hamster treats (translation: John had eaten them during a late-night HFBoards debate about the NHL’s playoff format).
Things came to a head on Day Five when John discovered Captain Whiskerplush gnawing aggressively at the bars of his cage, glaring at Totoro with what could only be described as contempt. John, panicking, posted a thread on HFBoards titled, “HELP: Hamster Seems Mad at My Plushies???”
Predictably, the thread spiraled out of control. MetalheadPenguinsFan chimed in immediately, replying, “At least the hamster’s still alive. Progress?” Others were less charitable, with @GIADF posting, “BREAKING: Plushie Neglect Strikes Again.” @PanthersPens62 even Photoshopped Totoro behind hamster bars with the caption, “PLUSHIES: Guilty of Negligence.”
Determined not to let this become another Lemmy situation, John sprang into action. He rushed to the pet store, buying an obscene amount of hamster supplies to compensate for his neglect. He even tried to train the plushies to take their roles seriously, holding nightly "meetings" where he lectured them on responsibility.
But the plushies, being inanimate, did not improve. And John, being John, eventually lost interest in the effort. Within weeks, Captain Whiskerplush’s cage became more of a storage space for empty snack wrappers than a proper home.
The final straw came when Captain Whiskerplush, ever the escape artist, managed to tunnel out of his cage and into John’s prized plushie pile. By the time John noticed, the hamster had chewed through Totoro’s foot and was using Pikachu’s tail as a nest.
John tried to spin the incident on HFBoards with a thread titled, “My Hamster LOVES My Plushies: A Heartwarming Story.” But no one bought it. Replies ranged from “More like Captain Whiskerplush HATES your plushies” to “Did you feed him this time or let him fend for himself?”
Eventually, @MetalheadPenguinsFan got involved again, demanding to know the hamster’s welfare. John reluctantly admitted that Captain Whiskerplush had been rehomed—this time with John’s neighbor, an elderly woman who seemed more capable of keeping him alive.
While Captain Whiskerplush thrived in his new home, John doubled down on his plushie collection, swearing off pet-sitting forever. But the HFBoards community never let him live it down.
To this day, any thread John posts is met with comments like, “How’s Captain Whiskerplush doing?” or “You think a Totoro can be GM of the Penguins, too?”
John, ever resilient, continues to insist that none of this was his fault. He now has a new plushie—a large, floppy whale he named "Lemmy 2"—and has started a new thread series titled “Plushies That Would Make Great NHL Mascots.”
Because if there’s one thing John Price knows how to do, it’s double down on chaos.
