SoupNazi
Keeps paying for Hangman’s OF to get promoted
- Feb 6, 2010
- 27,405
- 17,995
@John Price, known as the infamous "Useless Thread" poster on HFBoards and a self-described plushie aficionado, found himself in an unusual predicament. @MetalheadPenguinsFan, a fellow HFBoards user and longtime rival in pointless arguments about fourth-line grinders, had begrudgingly asked John to take care of his beloved goldfish, Lemmy, while he was away on a week-long trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
John, seeing this as an opportunity to prove himself useful for once, agreed, albeit with a twist. Rather than taking the task seriously, he decided to delegate the responsibility to his plushie collection, a ragtag group of soft, lifeless characters ranging from Pikachu to a rare, oversized Totoro.
Before MetalheadPenguinsFan left, John made a big show of introducing Lemmy to the plushies. "Don’t worry," John said, standing proudly in his room filled with mountains of plushies and the faint smell of pizza rolls. "Totoro has got this under control. He’s very responsible."
MetalheadPenguinsFan, already regretting his decision but out of options, left instructions taped to the tank. "Feed Lemmy once a day," the note read in big, bold letters.
As the days passed, John fully entrusted his plushies with the task, often narrating fake scenarios in which Totoro diligently measured out just the right amount of fish food and Pikachu kept a watchful eye on the tank. However, in reality, Lemmy's flakes remained untouched, floating sadly on the surface before being sucked into the filter.
By day four, Lemmy was no more, floating belly-up in his bowl. John discovered the grim scene but, in true John Price fashion, refused to accept any responsibility. Instead, he went straight to HFBoards and created a thread titled, "Why Plushies Can’t Be Trusted: A Cautionary Tale."
The post described, in painstaking detail, how Totoro had "neglected his duties" and how Pikachu "seemed more interested in watching anime than ensuring Lemmy’s well-being." Naturally, this thread quickly devolved into arguments over who was at fault—John, the plushies, or MetalheadPenguinsFan for trusting him in the first place.
When MetalheadPenguinsFan returned and discovered the tragedy, he was livid. "I knew you’d screw this up, Price!" he bellowed on HFBoards. John, however, doubled down, blaming the "communication gap" between himself and the plushies.
“I mean, sure, they’re plushies,” he said in his defense. “But they’ve been reliable before. Totoro always holds my snacks during playoff games, no problem.”
As MetalheadPenguinsFan demanded reparations, John proposed a compromise: He offered to send a "plushie representative" to Metalhead’s home as an apology. When Metalhead received a crumpled Pikachu plush in the mail three weeks later, the feud only escalated, spawning dozens of threads, memes, and even a legendary HFBoards poll titled, “Who Killed Lemmy: John, Totoro, or Society?”
Though Lemmy was gone, his legacy lived on. The incident became a permanent in-joke on HFBoards, with every future thread by John Price greeted by comments like, “Did you ask Totoro before posting this?” or “Fish lives matter.”
Meanwhile, John, unfazed, continued collecting plushies and posting his usual nonsense, blissfully unaware of the life lessons he’d failed to learn.
