OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[SnowblindNYR]

He knows about HF and I'm gonna tell him HF agrees with me.

I mean f*** relationship, it's poor life skills if you fly off the handle for a thoughtful gift. It's ungrateful.

 

[romba]

Asking for a friend here.

So my friend met a girl online (I think it was Match) and they went on four dates. Smashed during the fourth date. He really likes her. After that fourth date, he tries to have the conversation about "are we an official thing, or nah, what's the label? etc." She tells him "I'm not sure yet, I need to get to know you better."

Two days later, he got her a small gift that he saw in a store. Some card game of something they're both into, I don't know what it was, but it's not important. It was nothing crazy. He texts her that he has a little surprise for her. She flies off the handle with "I told you I don't like surprises, you don't listen to me, this and that" and a whole back and forth ensues. He hasn't heard from how now in five days.

He calls me Sunday night and he's like "what did I do wrong?" and I'm like "Nothing. You thought it was serious and she didn't. She never thought it was. That's why she backed out of the labeling question, and then she pretended to be mad over nothing. She got laid and she's back on whatever app you guys met on."

Am I wrong?

To me it sounds like she flew off the handle because she knew he wanted serious, she let him know she didn’t, and then he bought a gift which she saw as him trying to cut the line and make it serious-adjace. You don’t buy surprise gifts for f*** buddies. She completely read into it, and instead it thinking ‘this sweet guy must really likes me and was thinking of me’ she toxically thought ‘I told him I wanna asleep around and he knows that and by accepting this gift I can’t sleep around’. She can’t say that so she turned it into the classic male trope of ‘you just don’t listen’ so she won’t seem like a you know what. Good riddance.

 

[Machinehead]

I mean f*** relationship, it's poor life skills if you fly off the handle for a thoughtful gift. It's ungrateful.

That's what I told him too. It's for the best.

To me it sounds like she flew off the handle because she knew he wanted serious, she let him know she didn’t, and then he bought a gift which she saw as him trying to cut the line and make it serious-adjace. You don’t buy surprise gifts for f*** buddies. She completely read into it, and instead it thinking ‘this sweet guy must really likes me and was thinking of me’ she toxically thought ‘I told him I wanna asleep around and he knows that and by accepting this gift I can’t sleep around’. She can’t say that so she turned it into the classic male trope of ‘you just don’t listen’ so she won’t seem like a you know what. Good riddance.

And I know him, he's not like that. "Oh, I'm gonna scheme, and play some game." Nah, this dude is solid. True blue. He saw that and knew it was a common interest and said "this might be fun."

I'm gonna end up playing it with him now.

 

[KirkAlbuquerque]

To me it sounds like she flew off the handle because she knew he wanted serious, she let him know she didn’t, and then he bought a gift which she saw as him trying to cut the line and make it serious-adjace. You don’t buy surprise gifts for f*** buddies. She completely read into it, and instead it thinking ‘this sweet guy must really likes me and was thinking of me’ she toxically thought ‘I told him I wanna asleep around and he knows that and by accepting this gift I can’t sleep around’. She can’t say that so she turned it into the classic male trope of ‘you just don’t listen’ so she won’t seem like a you know what. Good riddance.

yeah, he didn't do anything wrong, it sucks to be rejected but its not like he made a large investment and hey, still banged

 

[I Eat Crow]

Right?

He's blaming himself so I just wanted to get some second opinions.

Hoes be fried today. I'm so thankful I'm not in the dating game the past 4 or 5 years or so.

This girl got scared off by your friend asking the exclusivity question too soon when that wasn't her intent. Sorry to break it to your friend, but he probably isn't the only guy she was messing around with and she chose someone else.

 

[Machinehead]

Hoes be fried today. I'm so thankful I'm not in the dating game the past 4 or 5 years or so.

This girl got scared off by your friend asking the exclusivity question too soon when that wasn't her intent. Sorry to break it to your friend, but he probably isn't the only guy she was messing around with and she chose someone else.

It's a tough scene, but I found not just one woman I love, but 12 (sometimes 13 if there's an injury and we have the cap space).

@SnowblindNYR

 

[Machinehead]

yeah, he didn't do anything wrong, it sucks to be rejected but its not like he made a large investment and hey, still banged

That's what I told him, too.

Me: "You got used for sex"

Him: "Oh..."

Me: "But that means you hot tho"

Both of us:

 

[kovazub94]

To me it sounds like she flew off the handle because she knew he wanted serious, she let him know she didn’t, and then he bought a gift which she saw as him trying to cut the line and make it serious-adjace. You don’t buy surprise gifts for f*** buddies. She completely read into it, and instead it thinking ‘this sweet guy must really likes me and was thinking of me’ she toxically thought ‘I told him I wanna asleep around and he knows that and by accepting this gift I can’t sleep around’. She can’t say that so she turned it into the classic male trope of ‘you just don’t listen’ so she won’t seem like a you know what. Good riddance.

Don't know why you had to put it in these terms.

Maybe the girl could have got burned in the past by psycho guys and is apprehensive of getting into the same boat again. Not surprising this day and age. She straight up told the friend that she wanted to get to know him better before making it into a serious thing. IMO it doesn't need to be related to her having other intimate relationships at the same time. While it sounds like the guy had only good intensions getting her a small token of a gift - he didn't say that he got a card game, he said that he got her a gift which (not knowing what it was and also on the background of her being apprehensive to begin with - triggered her). If anything this friend could have done differently would be either not getting anything at all or just bring this card game for them both to enjoy and then just leave it with her afterwards. On the whole this wasn't a big deal but judging the girl without knowing her much from just four dates by the friend or especially someone who only heard this snipet of information on HFBNYR is weird.

 

[NickyFotiu]

Sadly many people take kindness as weakness. When they are not used to being treated well they react badly.

 

[effen]

Asking for a friend here.

So my friend met a girl online (I think it was Match) and they went on four dates. Smashed during the fourth date. He really likes her. After that fourth date, he tries to have the conversation about "are we an official thing, or nah, what's the label? etc." She tells him "I'm not sure yet, I need to get to know you better."

Two days later, he got her a small gift that he saw in a store. Some card game of something they're both into, I don't know what it was, but it's not important. It was nothing crazy. He texts her that he has a little surprise for her. She flies off the handle with "I told you I don't like surprises, you don't listen to me, this and that" and a whole back and forth ensues. He hasn't heard from how now in five days.

He calls me Sunday night and he's like "what did I do wrong?" and I'm like "Nothing. You thought it was serious and she didn't. She never thought it was. That's why she backed out of the labeling question, and then she pretended to be mad over nothing. She got laid and she's back on whatever app you guys met on."

Am I wrong?

You seem to have a very accurate grasp on the subject. Your friend, in too deep, will likely not listen.

Right?

He's blaming himself so I just wanted to get some second opinions.

He likes her a lot and wants it to be fixable. It's not. Tell him to be better at sex maybe?

 

[Machinehead]

You seem to have a very accurate grasp on the subject. Your friend, in too deep, will likely not listen.

Nah, I can talk to him. It'll just take a couple of days.

 

[romba]

Don't know why you had to put it in these terms.

Maybe the girl could have got burned in the past by psycho guys and is apprehensive of getting into the same boat again. Not surprising this day and age. She straight up told the friend that she wanted to get to know him better before making it into a serious thing. IMO it doesn't need to be related to her having other intimate relationships at the same time. While it sounds like the guy had only good intensions getting her a small token of a gift - he didn't say that he got a card game, he said that he got her a gift which (not knowing what it was and also on the background of her being apprehensive to begin with - triggered her). If anything this friend could have done differently would be either not getting anything at all or just bring this card game for them both to enjoy and then just leave it with her afterwards. On the whole this wasn't a big deal but judging the girl without knowing her much from just four dates by the friend or especially someone who only heard this snipet of information on HFBNYR is weird.

A general ‘what do you think’ was asked so I gave my opinion. She clearly gas lighted him but sure you can be the judgement police and give a dissertation about it here if you want though it’s your perogative.

You seem to have a very accurate grasp on the subject. Your friend, in too deep, will likely not listen.

This is very true, we’ve all been there

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Don't know why you had to put it in these terms.

Maybe the girl could have got burned in the past by psycho guys and is apprehensive of getting into the same boat again. Not surprising this day and age. She straight up told the friend that she wanted to get to know him better before making it into a serious thing. IMO it doesn't need to be related to her having other intimate relationships at the same time. While it sounds like the guy had only good intensions getting her a small token of a gift - he didn't say that he got a card game, he said that he got her a gift which (not knowing what it was and also on the background of her being apprehensive to begin with - triggered her). If anything this friend could have done differently would be either not getting anything at all or just bring this card game for them both to enjoy and then just leave it with her afterwards. On the whole this wasn't a big deal but judging the girl without knowing her much from just four dates by the friend or especially someone who only heard this snipet of information on HFBNYR is weird.

I feel like women are way more likely to get this type of benefit of the doubt and it's not warranted.

 

[Filip Chytil]

Phone at 69%. It's a sign.

 

[effen]

I mean f*** relationship, it's poor life skills if you fly off the handle for a thoughtful gift. It's ungrateful.

There is a not small subset of people who don't know how to break things off, especially when one party is really nice.

So they just become a giant jerk until the other person goes away. That's all it is.

 

[DevilDog99]

Background checks are used to find things like past violent assault charges, convictions, sex offender registration. Employment history too if they're talking a really big game. People can be very good at hiding very important information for personal gain. I can understand wanting to move on from a bad past and respect someone for not wanting to discuss their past at every turn, but I also absolutely respect someone's decision that meeting a person with a history like that is a dealbreaker. I don't know exactly what kind of checks my friend does for guys she meets, but she sends me screenshots from a site(?) called Trellis that show the type of offenses, if it was a repeat offense, where & when it happened, who filed the charges, and the status of any charges.

Some people are more honest and forthcoming. You and your girlfriend sound lucky to have found that in each other to where you don't have to worry. Having a number of people corroborate things is usually a good sign too.

I've managed to be in 4 serious relationships without having a domestic assault charge or any charge brought against me. None of my friends have any convictions or charges either. That, to me, is a red flag 9.9 times out of 10. By the time they're caught there's almost always a history. Maybe they're not bad people, but it doesn't always take a bad person to do bad things sometimes. It would take a lot of vetting to convince me.

It's a very different dating world for women compared to men. The popular meme phrase I've seen is that in dating, men are afraid of being catfished; women are afraid of being murdered. It's insane to consider that that's the other half's reality because yea, I've never ran a check on anyone I've dated or felt in any sort danger going on a date. But that's women's reality.

I appreciate your points. In fact, my gf was stalked by an ex. I don’t condone that disgusting nonsense.

I personally do know great guys with criminal records, however. I am also well-versed in background checks and their pitfalls.

My point is that….. I wouldn’t date a woman that ran background checks on men she dates. Nor would I run a background check on a woman.

Also, there are plenty of men that have been hurt by women- especially in certain circles. I do like that saying- but it’s a little alarmist for me!

It’s human nature to see a subway shoving or a crazy guy stab is gf and think “oh my G, that will happen to me.”

I will stand by this one- Be smart and use common sense. That will protect you WAY more than a background check (or a police officer).

To each their own!

ALSO! Date a hockey fan- we are the coolest! That’s my advice hahaha.