John Price Goes to Hollywood: The Case of the Missing Plushie and the Wrath of Vince McMahon
@John Price, HFBoards legend, Useless Thread poster extraordinaire, and plushie collector par excellence, was off to Hollywood. Whether it was to chase stardom, reunite with his favorite bear Bertie, or just escape the Dunkin’ Donuts employees who’d finally banned him for "disruptive menu commentary" was unclear. Regardless, John boarded the flight with Bertie in tow and dreams as big as the Hollywood sign itself.
Act I: A Rough Start
After landing in LAX, John immediately fell for the first travel scam he encountered. A man promising him a ride in a “celebrity shuttle” instead dropped him off in a suspicious alley downtown, taking both his dignity and—horrifyingly—his beloved Bertie the Bear.
“BERTIE!” John cried, fist-pumping the smoggy sky.
Determined to recover his plushie and restore order to his universe, he began an odyssey through the chaos of Los Angeles, cutting through film shoots, busy boulevards, and a questionable street parade featuring Elvis impersonators on unicycles.
Act II: The Vince McMahon Incident
Somehow, John found himself wandering onto the set of
The Wrath of Vince, a bizarre film starring none other than WWE magnate Vince McMahon as a multiverse-wrestling overlord. John, spotting a prop bear on a table, mistook it for Bertie and lunged.
“BERTIE, I’VE FOUND YOU!”
“CUT!” someone yelled.
A furious Vince McMahon turned, veins pulsing in his forehead. “Who’s this jabroni, and why is he touching my bear?!”
Before John could explain, Vince launched himself into full wrestling mode.
What followed was equal parts terrifying and awe-inspiring: John Price, Useless Thread king, was hoisted into the air and slammed through a stack of cardboard boxes with a textbook suplex. Hollywood’s cameras rolled as Vince struck a triumphant pose over John’s crumpled body.
“That’s a wrap!” the director yelled, mistaking the incident for an improvised scene.
Act III: A Hero's Return—Or Not
Hours later, after Vince had taken pity on him, John recovered Bertie the Bear with the help of Hollywood's crew (and Vince's PA, who knew a guy who knew a guy). Newly invigorated, bruised but triumphant, John took his victory to the streets.
That night, he wandered into a bar just off Sunset Boulevard—Bertie under his arm, limping slightly from his encounter with McMahon. At the bar, he spotted her: a striking woman with flowing hair, sipping a martini like she owned the place.
This was John Price’s moment.
He sauntered over, cleared his throat, and leaned against the bar.
“Hey there,” he said coolly. “I don’t mean to brag, but I just had Vince McMahon suplex me. I’ve been through Hollywood hell today.”
The woman barely looked up. “Oh. Cool, I guess.”
“And, uh, I’m kind of a big deal online.” John grinned, adjusting Bertie under his arm. “I’ve got
386,000 posts on HFBoards. That’s… you know, a lot of posts. I’m pretty much a legend.”
“HFBoards?” she replied, raising an eyebrow. “Is that, like, a cooking forum or something?”
John blinked. “No, it’s a hockey forum. The best one. I post a lot. You might’ve heard of the Useless Thread? That’s kind of my kingdom.”
She stared at him blankly. “Right. Cool story.” Then she turned to the bartender. “Can I get my tab? Thanks.”
Defeated, John watched as she gathered her things and disappeared into the night, leaving him alone with Bertie and a half-empty glass of soda water.
John sighed and turned back to his plush bear. “They just don’t get us, Bertie. Hollywood’s overrated anyway.”
And so, as the neon lights flickered above him and the echoes of distant fame buzzed all around, John Price, the man with 386,000 HFBoards posts, took another sip of his soda water and embraced his truest role: the king of the Useless Thread.
Maybe next time, Bertie thought (if Bertie could think), he should’ve just stayed home.
The End.
Grub's Canucks & NHL News, Rumours, and & Fantasy GM | Christmas Presents
Championship Milwaukee Bucks vs Oklahoma City Thunder - Las VegasWagers: 5Staked: $1,125.00Event closes