GWT: EPL - Matchweek 32 (ft. MW 29)

[Machinehead]

Needed a break from the other forum on Page 1?

I need a break from being a Rangers fan.

Since October, I've had a World Series trip, a WNBA title, and soon a Premier League title.

My son the doctor, my son the astronaut, my son who eats glue.

 

[HeHateMeFrisbee]

It's been the longest and most frustrating season.

 

[HeHateMeFrisbee]

He's good. That goal yesterday was due to Vicario being shit though.

 

[Stray Wasp]

Aston Villa fans, live in fear.

Not of NUFC, you understand. That game on Saturday evening could go either way. It's the prospect of Crystal Palace on 26 April in the FA Cup Semis should give you the shivers. If Martinez so much as leaves the ground while in the same postcode as any Eagles, the best you can hope for is a penalty awarded against you. However, pour decourager les autres, the Jean-Philippe Mateta Reparations Committee may also demand for Martinez be bludgeoned to death with that World Cup goalkeeping award he once used as a phallic symbol.

I am biased, but I think it fair to say that this evening Palace were given a penalty for Liam Roberts' foul. On March 1. Playing for Millwall in the FA Cup. It's as daft as the Oscars giving Martin Scorsese Best Director for The Departed.

Nick Pope was admittedly fallible for dashing almost to the edge of his own area to try and punch away a deep free kick that some Palace player floated (nobody needs to know who, it's Crystal Palace and they love being underdogs). Pope misjudged the flight and it's hard to be sure whether he and Joelinton missed the ball or whether one of them diverted it. Some Crystal Palace player (see the above) had also misjudged the flight and, in consequence, barely left the ground when he headed the ball, which skewed off the back of his head after it had passed beyond Pope. As Pope's momentum carries him through the air, his left ribs then, a moment later, his left bicep, connect with Anonymous geezer's head. Anonymous geezer falls (without a Willem Defoe-Platoon style death throe, I should stress). Palace plays on, preoccupied with trying to score, no one checking their team mate. NUFC clears the danger (Dan Burn's header is the vital first stage of the process). Ball swiftly goes out of play. Video review...

While it's an objective fact that 2024/25 League Cup Winners Newcastle United are the only team that matters, Londoners do not understand this, because they are weird, insular people. In consequence, the pub 5 minutes away from my front door didn't show the game. An unfortunate discovery at any time - even more so when I had rolled up five minutes late.

A 10 minute walk and I had reached in the pub where they play four different TV channels on different screens at the same time. This is disorienting under any circumstances, the more so when you're watching one of the games for which the sound is turned down and you're hearing commentary utterly at odds with the pictures you're seeing. To say nothing of another game happening on a TV right next to the one you're watching, which means there's constant movement in the corner of your eye.

The penalty award ramped the audio-visual madness up to 11. VAR took the usual 302 minutes to adjudicate and Sky TV reran the exact same piece of footage about six times in a row in quick succession. My head span; then Ebe's run up for the penalty made it worse, as he seemed to be trying to enter the Guinness Book for World Records for the most stutter-steps squeezed into a journey lasting 36 inches. This must have been intended to outpsych Pope. Except Pope remained upright, feigned to dive left while retaining his balance, then enjoyed the sight of Ebe rolling the ball to his left far too gently to beat his real dive.

Prior to this, by the friendly, attractive barmaid who couldn't understand my accent had supplied my drink, Newcastle had already gone 1-0 up. What little I'd seen of the game before the penalty had been open, because Palace only wanted possession when at least half United's team was ahead of the ball and NUFC were indeed charging forward trying to double the lead. (The goal itself turned out to have come about by dint of Jacob Murphy spotting that Dean Henderson had left an inviting near-post gap and lamping the ball through it. I do think he meant it - Murphy often tries ambitious things. It's just that before this season his success rate was roughly 0.02%. Whatever spirit took control of Almiron for those 10 weeks or so in 2022 has seemingly returned from a well-deserved holiday and possessed a new loveable trier.)

Moments after the penalty, erm, 'collection' seems closer to conveying it than 'save', NUFC counter-attacked. Joelinton set Barnes away down the left. Barnes cut the ball back. Into the net it diverted. Steve Parrish thought he was very clever last summer, messing Paul Mitchell around over Marc Guehi. How often does a club have a bid turned down for a player, only for him to score for them home and away regardless? Such has been Guehi's fate. An own goal that gave NUFC a point in reward for a dreadful performance at Selhurst Park, an own goal that deflated Palace utterly here.

Another counter, a pass from Bruno creates a 3 on 2 - with none of the Newcastle three in Palace's half. Tonali took out both defenders with a lovely pass to Barnes, who galloped down the slope towards the Gallowgate goal. He finished nicely with the same left foot he struggles to use if you ask him to play on the right flank and cut inside.

A deft Trippier-Murphy free kick routine, Murphy's cross, Schar's stooped, flicking header. 4-0. All the while, Isak was rolling his eyes because he'd missed chances of his own. That was in about the sixth minute of injury time at the end of the first half. I'm sure at least one of those arose from the ref forgetting to restart his watch while Ebe made his icebergian progress towards his penalty attempt.

I was feeling tired at half time, so I went home. History tells us that approaching the hour, Guehi served a bit of a hospital pass to another Palace player who isn't called Guehi or Henderson or Mateta or Adam Wharton but who was facing his own goal. (All indications were that Adam Wharton wasn't especially interested in being Adam Wharton) Isak nipped in and curled his shot past Henderson. Shortly after, Jason Tindall OBE (services to football, self-promotion and the tanning industry) began resting players.

The last time NUFC was on a run this good, they met with a downturn in form like Wile E Coyote splatting into a boulder. The boulder could be Villa, but even if Villa win, they must go again in midweek at City, which guarantees dropped points to one of Newcastle's rivals, maybe both, before United host Ipswich in round 34. Whatever, the last three games have turned NUFC's goal difference from +10 to +21, surpassing everyone bar the top two. 59 points from 32 games leaves a magic number of 14 from six games. It seems unlikely that the League Cup winners will be coasting to the season's end.

 

[luiginb]

Aston Villa fans, live in fear.

Not of NUFC, you understand. That game on Saturday evening could go either way. It's the prospect of Crystal Palace on 26 April in the FA Cup Semis should give you the shivers. If Martinez so much as leaves the ground while in the same postcode as any Eagles, the best you can hope for is a penalty awarded against you. However, pour decourager les autres, the Jean-Philippe Mateta Reparations Committee may also demand for Martinez be bludgeoned to death with that World Cup goalkeeping award he once used as a phallic symbol.

I am biased, but I think it fair to say that this evening Palace were given a penalty for Liam Roberts' foul. On March 1. Playing for Millwall in the FA Cup. It's as daft as the Oscars giving Martin Scorsese Best Director for The Departed.

Nick Pope was admittedly fallible for dashing almost to the edge of his own area to try and punch away a deep free kick that some Palace player floated (nobody needs to know who, it's Crystal Palace and they love being underdogs). Pope misjudged the flight and it's hard to be sure whether he and Joelinton missed the ball or whether one of them diverted it. Some Crystal Palace player (see the above) had also misjudged the flight and, in consequence, barely left the ground when he headed the ball, which skewed off the back of his head after it had passed beyond Pope. As Pope's momentum carries him through the air, his left ribs then, a moment later, his left bicep, connect with Anonymous geezer's head. Anonymous geezer falls (without a Willem Defoe-Platoon style death throe, I should stress). Palace plays on, preoccupied with trying to score, no one checking their team mate. NUFC clears the danger (Dan Burn's header is the vital first stage of the process). Ball swiftly goes out of play. Video review...

While it's an objective fact that 2024/25 League Cup Winners Newcastle United are the only team that matters, Londoners do not understand this, because they are weird, insular people. In consequence, the pub 5 minutes away from my front door didn't show the game. An unfortunate discovery at any time - even more so when I had rolled up five minutes late.

A 10 minute walk and I had reached in the pub where they play four different TV channels on different screens at the same time. This is disorienting under any circumstances, the more so when you're watching one of the games for which the sound is turned down and you're hearing commentary utterly at odds with the pictures you're seeing. To say nothing of another game happening on a TV right next to the one you're watching, which means there's constant movement in the corner of your eye.

The penalty award ramped the audio-visual madness up to 11. VAR took the usual 302 minutes to adjudicate and Sky TV reran the exact same piece of footage about six times in a row in quick succession. My head span; then Ebe's run up for the penalty made it worse, as he seemed to be trying to enter the Guinness Book for World Records for the most stutter-steps squeezed into a journey lasting 36 inches. This must have been intended to outpsych Pope. Except Pope remained upright, feigned to dive left while retaining his balance, then enjoyed the sight of Ebe rolling the ball to his left far too gently to beat his real dive.

Prior to this, by the friendly, attractive barmaid who couldn't understand my accent had supplied my drink, Newcastle had already gone 1-0 up. What little I'd seen of the game before the penalty had been open, because Palace only wanted possession when at least half United's team was ahead of the ball and NUFC were indeed charging forward trying to double the lead. (The goal itself turned out to have come about by dint of Jacob Murphy spotting that Dean Henderson had left an inviting near-post gap and lamping the ball through it. I do think he meant it - Murphy often tries ambitious things. It's just that before this season his success rate was roughly 0.02%. Whatever spirit took control of Almiron for those 10 weeks or so in 2022 has seemingly returned from a well-deserved holiday and possessed a new loveable trier.)

Moments after the penalty, erm, 'collection' seems closer to conveying it than 'save', NUFC counter-attacked. Joelinton set Barnes away down the left. Barnes cut the ball back. Into the net it diverted. Steve Parrish thought he was very clever last summer, messing Paul Mitchell around over Marc Guehi. How often does a club have a bid turned down for a player, only for him to score for them home and away regardless? Such has been Guehi's fate. An own goal that gave NUFC a point in reward for a dreadful performance at Selhurst Park, an own goal that deflated Palace utterly here.

Another counter, a pass from Bruno creates a 3 on 2 - with none of the Newcastle three in Palace's half. Tonali took out both defenders with a lovely pass to Barnes, who galloped down the slope towards the Gallowgate goal. He finished nicely with the same left foot he struggles to use if you ask him to play on the right flank and cut inside.

A deft Trippier-Murphy free kick routine, Murphy's cross, Schar's stooped, flicking header. 4-0. All the while, Isak was rolling his eyes because he'd missed chances of his own. That was in about the sixth minute of injury time at the end of the first half. I'm sure at least one of those arose from the ref forgetting to restart his watch while Ebe made his icebergian progress towards his penalty attempt.

I was feeling tired at half time, so I went home. History tells us that approaching the hour, Guehi served a bit of a hospital pass to another Palace player who isn't called Guehi or Henderson or Mateta or Adam Wharton but who was facing his own goal. (All indications were that Adam Wharton wasn't especially interested in being Adam Wharton) Isak nipped in and curled his shot past Henderson. Shortly after, Jason Tindall OBE (services to football, self-promotion and the tanning industry) began resting players.

The last time NUFC was on a run this good, they met with a downturn in form like Wile E Coyote splatting into a boulder. The boulder could be Villa, but even if Villa win, they must go again in midweek at City, which guarantees dropped points to one of Newcastle's rivals, maybe both, before United host Ipswich in round 34. Whatever, the last three games have turned NUFC's goal difference from +10 to +21, surpassing everyone bar the top two. 59 points from 32 games leaves a magic number of 14 from six games. It seems unlikely that the League Cup winners will be coasting to the season's end.

I'm so happy for Murphy

 

[hatterson]

Aston Villa fans, live in fear.

Not of NUFC, you understand. That game on Saturday evening could go either way. It's the prospect of Crystal Palace on 26 April in the FA Cup Semis should give you the shivers. If Martinez so much as leaves the ground while in the same postcode as any Eagles, the best you can hope for is a penalty awarded against you. However, pour decourager les autres, the Jean-Philippe Mateta Reparations Committee may also demand for Martinez be bludgeoned to death with that World Cup goalkeeping award he once used as a phallic symbol.

I am biased, but I think it fair to say that this evening Palace were given a penalty for Liam Roberts' foul. On March 1. Playing for Millwall in the FA Cup. It's as daft as the Oscars giving Martin Scorsese Best Director for The Departed.

Nick Pope was admittedly fallible for dashing almost to the edge of his own area to try and punch away a deep free kick that some Palace player floated (nobody needs to know who, it's Crystal Palace and they love being underdogs). Pope misjudged the flight and it's hard to be sure whether he and Joelinton missed the ball or whether one of them diverted it. Some Crystal Palace player (see the above) had also misjudged the flight and, in consequence, barely left the ground when he headed the ball, which skewed off the back of his head after it had passed beyond Pope. As Pope's momentum carries him through the air, his left ribs then, a moment later, his left bicep, connect with Anonymous geezer's head. Anonymous geezer falls (without a Willem Defoe-Platoon style death throe, I should stress). Palace plays on, preoccupied with trying to score, no one checking their team mate. NUFC clears the danger (Dan Burn's header is the vital first stage of the process). Ball swiftly goes out of play. Video review...

While it's an objective fact that 2024/25 League Cup Winners Newcastle United are the only team that matters, Londoners do not understand this, because they are weird, insular people. In consequence, the pub 5 minutes away from my front door didn't show the game. An unfortunate discovery at any time - even more so when I had rolled up five minutes late.

A 10 minute walk and I had reached in the pub where they play four different TV channels on different screens at the same time. This is disorienting under any circumstances, the more so when you're watching one of the games for which the sound is turned down and you're hearing commentary utterly at odds with the pictures you're seeing. To say nothing of another game happening on a TV right next to the one you're watching, which means there's constant movement in the corner of your eye.

The penalty award ramped the audio-visual madness up to 11. VAR took the usual 302 minutes to adjudicate and Sky TV reran the exact same piece of footage about six times in a row in quick succession. My head span; then Ebe's run up for the penalty made it worse, as he seemed to be trying to enter the Guinness Book for World Records for the most stutter-steps squeezed into a journey lasting 36 inches. This must have been intended to outpsych Pope. Except Pope remained upright, feigned to dive left while retaining his balance, then enjoyed the sight of Ebe rolling the ball to his left far too gently to beat his real dive.

Prior to this, by the friendly, attractive barmaid who couldn't understand my accent had supplied my drink, Newcastle had already gone 1-0 up. What little I'd seen of the game before the penalty had been open, because Palace only wanted possession when at least half United's team was ahead of the ball and NUFC were indeed charging forward trying to double the lead. (The goal itself turned out to have come about by dint of Jacob Murphy spotting that Dean Henderson had left an inviting near-post gap and lamping the ball through it. I do think he meant it - Murphy often tries ambitious things. It's just that before this season his success rate was roughly 0.02%. Whatever spirit took control of Almiron for those 10 weeks or so in 2022 has seemingly returned from a well-deserved holiday and possessed a new loveable trier.)

Moments after the penalty, erm, 'collection' seems closer to conveying it than 'save', NUFC counter-attacked. Joelinton set Barnes away down the left. Barnes cut the ball back. Into the net it diverted. Steve Parrish thought he was very clever last summer, messing Paul Mitchell around over Marc Guehi. How often does a club have a bid turned down for a player, only for him to score for them home and away regardless? Such has been Guehi's fate. An own goal that gave NUFC a point in reward for a dreadful performance at Selhurst Park, an own goal that deflated Palace utterly here.

Another counter, a pass from Bruno creates a 3 on 2 - with none of the Newcastle three in Palace's half. Tonali took out both defenders with a lovely pass to Barnes, who galloped down the slope towards the Gallowgate goal. He finished nicely with the same left foot he struggles to use if you ask him to play on the right flank and cut inside.

A deft Trippier-Murphy free kick routine, Murphy's cross, Schar's stooped, flicking header. 4-0. All the while, Isak was rolling his eyes because he'd missed chances of his own. That was in about the sixth minute of injury time at the end of the first half. I'm sure at least one of those arose from the ref forgetting to restart his watch while Ebe made his icebergian progress towards his penalty attempt.

I was feeling tired at half time, so I went home. History tells us that approaching the hour, Guehi served a bit of a hospital pass to another Palace player who isn't called Guehi or Henderson or Mateta or Adam Wharton but who was facing his own goal. (All indications were that Adam Wharton wasn't especially interested in being Adam Wharton) Isak nipped in and curled his shot past Henderson. Shortly after, Jason Tindall OBE (services to football, self-promotion and the tanning industry) began resting players.

The last time NUFC was on a run this good, they met with a downturn in form like Wile E Coyote splatting into a boulder. The boulder could be Villa, but even if Villa win, they must go again in midweek at City, which guarantees dropped points to one of Newcastle's rivals, maybe both, before United host Ipswich in round 34. Whatever, the last three games have turned NUFC's goal difference from +10 to +21, surpassing everyone bar the top two. 59 points from 32 games leaves a magic number of 14 from six games. It seems unlikely that the League Cup winners will be coasting to the season's end.

 

[bluesfan94]

Aston Villa fans, live in fear.

Not of NUFC, you understand. That game on Saturday evening could go either way. It's the prospect of Crystal Palace on 26 April in the FA Cup Semis should give you the shivers. If Martinez so much as leaves the ground while in the same postcode as any Eagles, the best you can hope for is a penalty awarded against you. However, pour decourager les autres, the Jean-Philippe Mateta Reparations Committee may also demand for Martinez be bludgeoned to death with that World Cup goalkeeping award he once used as a phallic symbol.

I am biased, but I think it fair to say that this evening Palace were given a penalty for Liam Roberts' foul. On March 1. Playing for Millwall in the FA Cup. It's as daft as the Oscars giving Martin Scorsese Best Director for The Departed.

Nick Pope was admittedly fallible for dashing almost to the edge of his own area to try and punch away a deep free kick that some Palace player floated (nobody needs to know who, it's Crystal Palace and they love being underdogs). Pope misjudged the flight and it's hard to be sure whether he and Joelinton missed the ball or whether one of them diverted it. Some Crystal Palace player (see the above) had also misjudged the flight and, in consequence, barely left the ground when he headed the ball, which skewed off the back of his head after it had passed beyond Pope. As Pope's momentum carries him through the air, his left ribs then, a moment later, his left bicep, connect with Anonymous geezer's head. Anonymous geezer falls (without a Willem Defoe-Platoon style death throe, I should stress). Palace plays on, preoccupied with trying to score, no one checking their team mate. NUFC clears the danger (Dan Burn's header is the vital first stage of the process). Ball swiftly goes out of play. Video review...

While it's an objective fact that 2024/25 League Cup Winners Newcastle United are the only team that matters, Londoners do not understand this, because they are weird, insular people. In consequence, the pub 5 minutes away from my front door didn't show the game. An unfortunate discovery at any time - even more so when I had rolled up five minutes late.

A 10 minute walk and I had reached in the pub where they play four different TV channels on different screens at the same time. This is disorienting under any circumstances, the more so when you're watching one of the games for which the sound is turned down and you're hearing commentary utterly at odds with the pictures you're seeing. To say nothing of another game happening on a TV right next to the one you're watching, which means there's constant movement in the corner of your eye.

The penalty award ramped the audio-visual madness up to 11. VAR took the usual 302 minutes to adjudicate and Sky TV reran the exact same piece of footage about six times in a row in quick succession. My head span; then Ebe's run up for the penalty made it worse, as he seemed to be trying to enter the Guinness Book for World Records for the most stutter-steps squeezed into a journey lasting 36 inches. This must have been intended to outpsych Pope. Except Pope remained upright, feigned to dive left while retaining his balance, then enjoyed the sight of Ebe rolling the ball to his left far too gently to beat his real dive.

Prior to this, by the friendly, attractive barmaid who couldn't understand my accent had supplied my drink, Newcastle had already gone 1-0 up. What little I'd seen of the game before the penalty had been open, because Palace only wanted possession when at least half United's team was ahead of the ball and NUFC were indeed charging forward trying to double the lead. (The goal itself turned out to have come about by dint of Jacob Murphy spotting that Dean Henderson had left an inviting near-post gap and lamping the ball through it. I do think he meant it - Murphy often tries ambitious things. It's just that before this season his success rate was roughly 0.02%. Whatever spirit took control of Almiron for those 10 weeks or so in 2022 has seemingly returned from a well-deserved holiday and possessed a new loveable trier.)

Moments after the penalty, erm, 'collection' seems closer to conveying it than 'save', NUFC counter-attacked. Joelinton set Barnes away down the left. Barnes cut the ball back. Into the net it diverted. Steve Parrish thought he was very clever last summer, messing Paul Mitchell around over Marc Guehi. How often does a club have a bid turned down for a player, only for him to score for them home and away regardless? Such has been Guehi's fate. An own goal that gave NUFC a point in reward for a dreadful performance at Selhurst Park, an own goal that deflated Palace utterly here.

Another counter, a pass from Bruno creates a 3 on 2 - with none of the Newcastle three in Palace's half. Tonali took out both defenders with a lovely pass to Barnes, who galloped down the slope towards the Gallowgate goal. He finished nicely with the same left foot he struggles to use if you ask him to play on the right flank and cut inside.

A deft Trippier-Murphy free kick routine, Murphy's cross, Schar's stooped, flicking header. 4-0. All the while, Isak was rolling his eyes because he'd missed chances of his own. That was in about the sixth minute of injury time at the end of the first half. I'm sure at least one of those arose from the ref forgetting to restart his watch while Ebe made his icebergian progress towards his penalty attempt.

I was feeling tired at half time, so I went home. History tells us that approaching the hour, Guehi served a bit of a hospital pass to another Palace player who isn't called Guehi or Henderson or Mateta or Adam Wharton but who was facing his own goal. (All indications were that Adam Wharton wasn't especially interested in being Adam Wharton) Isak nipped in and curled his shot past Henderson. Shortly after, Jason Tindall OBE (services to football, self-promotion and the tanning industry) began resting players.

The last time NUFC was on a run this good, they met with a downturn in form like Wile E Coyote splatting into a boulder. The boulder could be Villa, but even if Villa win, they must go again in midweek at City, which guarantees dropped points to one of Newcastle's rivals, maybe both, before United host Ipswich in round 34. Whatever, the last three games have turned NUFC's goal difference from +10 to +21, surpassing everyone bar the top two. 59 points from 32 games leaves a magic number of 14 from six games. It seems unlikely that the League Cup winners will be coasting to the season's end.

Listen - it’s all well and good for you to say crystal palace players shouldn’t be named, but you can’t name some and then leave out Chris Richards!!

 

[Stray Wasp]

View attachment 1016114

All that?

It was a mere 13 paragraphs.