Here, I'll go slightly further with it. Mostly because I want to, partially because I have no idea of where or when to stop.
In 1974, the NHL renamed the divisions and conferences based on the following.
Clarence Campbell Conference - NHL president at the time; would later be convicted of bribery related to a corruption scandal. His career in hockey was tumultuous; he was involved in two separate major incidents while an official, and was only kept around because Frank Calder needed an office boy. He suspended Rocket Richard for the Hal Laycoe incident. And he was the league president for every one of those 21 post-WWII years when expansion was never even considered.
Prince of Wales Conference - Actually named after the trophy. This was donated in 1925 by the Prince of Wales, who later became King Edward VIII. He reigned as king for less than a year before abdicating. In the grand scheme of things, Edward is irrelevant in hockey history.
Conn Smythe Division - War hero, philanthropist, builder of the Rangers' early team and then of the Maple Leafs franchise (and MLG). Also sold to Harold Ballard, triggering the collapse of said franchise. Fought ferociously against anything that could be considered "progressive", from the NHLPA to expansion to a new Canadian flag. Was still alive when this division was named.
Lester Patrick Division - HOF player with the Rangers, patriarch of the legendary hockey family that saw three generations suit up in the NHL. No major controversies to report.
James Norris Division - Son and nephew of a businessman, and himself a businessman who had no life in hockey outside of his ownership. Orchestrated the deals that led to a consolidation of ownership within the league, causing the entire thing to be tagged as "Norris Hockey League". His sons (James D. Norris and Bruce Norris) were shady as hell, and are perfect examples of what I mean when I say the league was run by crooks and criminals for most of its history.
Charles Adams Division - Founded the Boston Bruins; was previously a businessman with no experience in hockey. Ruthless in the boardroom, and was actually banned from MLB ownership due to his involvement in horse racing.
So there you have it. That's four divisions and two conferences, only one of which (Patrick) was named after anyone who did anything in hockey before rising to prominence. Adams, Campbell, Smythe, Norris, and the Prince of Wales had absolutely no playing career to speak of. So the idea that the new divisions need to be named after great players simply wouldn't be in line with tradition.
Instead, we need to look for the following while modernizing.
- Family patriarch, HOF player himself
- Owner, preferably one who sold to a pathetic excuse for a human being
- Owner whose father and uncle built a family business
- Owner who's unethical, and persona non grata in other sports
- Uninvolved monarch, or else merely a trophy given by someone who never suited up
- Head of the NHL
Teams covered should be Chicago, Toronto, Boston, and NY (Rangers). With this in mind, I give you....
The Gary Bettman Conference. Bettman is the second-longest serving head of the NHL, behind only Clarence Campbell. Campbell already has a trophy named after him that predated the conference being named after him; why should he get both honors?
The Lady Byng Conference. Lady Byng never played hockey, but donated a trophy in 1925...just like the Prince of Wales.
The Bryan Hextall Division. Hextall was a HOF player with the Rangers who had two sons (Bryan Jr. and Dennis) and one grandson (Ron) have NHL careers of their own, with the possibility of a fourth generation (Brett) coming up. Bryan Hextall and both of his sons played for the Rangers, just as Lester Patrick and his sons were involved with that same team. And just like Patrick, Hextall isn't anywhere close to the best player in the HHOF.
The Jeremy Jacobs Division. Owner of the Bruins, and son and nephew of the men who built the family business.
The Harold Ballard Division. Continue honoring the Maple Leafs by promoting this jackass, the stories about whom are absolutely legendary.
The Bill Wirtz Division. We need to cover the Blackhawks and "unethical" all in one fell swoop, and who better?
If the new divisions and conferences were named using the same standards as last time around, this is exactly what we'd end up with. Does anyone really think this is a good idea?
