So when does this thing start anyways? I got signed to this wrasslin crap last year and I’m still waiting to make my debut. Yeah that’s right. Kurt Russell,
King of Hollywood, the man who took down Lo Pan over in Chinatown, the lug who escaped New York
AND L.A., is here waiting to do this hokey wrasslin crap. And you know why? One thing, sweeter than all my Oscars and my stars on the walk of fame and the ocean of tail I get every day – revenge.
Last year some flake out in Hollywood approached me. Tried to squeegee my ‘vette when I was waiting on Rodeo Drive I think. Wearing little daisy duke cutoffs or some shit. Called himself “HandsomeHollywood” and begged me to lend him my star power. Got on his knees begging me to look up his IMDB and check out his stuff with his big collaborator. Talked about some wrasslin shit. Kinda reminded me of Rick Baschoff and when he begged me to save his wrasslin company back in the day. Offered me some “big gold belt” as if I didn’t already have GOLDIE FREAKIN HAWN. Said only I had the star power to save his ass and then turned to that moron Arquette instead. Sleazy idiot. Anyways I said to myself ‘you know what big guy? You’ve made careers all your life. Quentin was nothing before you. Johnny Carp was just playing with puppets before you agreed to be his Thing. Wasn’t Spielberg workin at Kodak before I made him?’ Whatever. I figured hey – why not help out this little creep? Then that little creep “HandsomeHollywood” signed me in some wrasslin draft. Plastered my name all over his event. Heard that getting that Kurt Russell rub even drew in toothness rednecks to support him in droves. No surprise there. But guess what? Even though that little creep signed me he didn’t. even. use me. That’s right – he signed THE Kurt Russell and just left me to rot. Top billing and then I was nowhere to be seen. The ol bait n switch. It’s disgusting. Now he claims to be the KING of Hollywood? Hell no. I’m gonna run him outta this town just like I ran that other little creep Polanski outta here. Lotta similarities there now that I think about it.
So that’s it ya toothless hillbilly rednecks. I’ve joined forces with THE JackSlater – the real Tango to my Cash. I’m gonna make history and put that Hollywood reject back where he belongs. Remember – this is a hockey website or some shit. Probably every page is about my boy Wyatt. I’m the man who coached us over the Ruskies back in ’80 baby and when the show starts I might even call up my buddy Wayne to stop by. Stay tuned plebs.